to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

I am glad you have a plan together - It must be horrediousley stressfull, Keep on at the agencies they will help but my god you need to be heavy handed. If he was at a special school - they may still have old records or again same with the GP, Please just don't give up.

My SIL has a georgeous little man with cp and epilepsey - she has started to think about his future, after a frank chat with me.... Its just not ok to assume that because a 12yr old says they will look after their brother now that will still be the same in 10/20/30 years time. It is hard when you are thinking about residential car for a loved one..... but in a positive note it is a new beggining.

With my parents in their 80's now they know my DB is in a stable home which he likes has routines and set plan's and will be ok when they are not around, obviouslet me and sis will still make him part of our families.

I do feel sad for the MIL that she didnt get all the help she could have - possiable bassed on the fact she didn't want her son knowing he is different. Things could have been so much easier for her and who knows what kind of life/opertunties they both could have had with the right help.

I'm glad that you're being so proactive and organised and getting help from many diverse places. Brilliant! I hope by now you've heard from MIL and a simple explanation is forthcoming.

Another lurker here just hoping that everyone (you, your DH, MIL and BIL) gets the help they need.

Hoping against hope that she had just missed the plane - what a day for you all.

I just read this thread beginning to end. Stay strong OP - it sounds like you are the only one thinking sensibly and realistically about the situation. Any news of your MILs whereabouts?

You have done really well with that list of action points OP! Best of luck to you xx

You seem like you're really in control sonotready. Good luck with it all and please let us know when/if your MIL turns up. I'm concerned about her and I don't know her!

I hope you all manage to find the support you need. Have you friends nearby you can ask for help while you get your head/ affairs sorted? Please don't neglect yourself. Whatever the outcome of mil's bolt is (and i do have some sympathy for a woman at the end of her tether, but what she has done is despicable, even if explicable), you and dh will need time and space together to get your heads around it. Best wishes.

We've had a call from one of MIL's friends that she's okay. There is a question mark over whether she's staying with someone (a romance), in the city where she is. The 'work trip' was a fiction.

The friend wanted to know if we'd called the police, kept asking and asking and saying they 'didn't know' the answers to any of my questions. We have called the police - I did it, saying MIL had missed her flight and we were concerned she'd harmed herself. I'm afraid the police didn't seem to be taking it entirely seriously but said to call back tomorrow if still no word. We have sort of had word (via the friend), but it's not really good enough is it. No word from MIL directly. No way she hasn't recieved our messages/emails at all.

I got the message through to the friend at least that we are going to be taking charge of BIL immediately. Hopefully MIL will call them back soon.

DH has been really touched by the support he's had from MIL's neighbours. She doesn't really socialise in the village but there have been loads of people coming round with meals and offers of cars/lifts and help with the pets etc.

DH could only access her work email account and there wasn't much useful though no mention of a visit to the country she's in now (she is in it, since the hotel I called knew about her).

DH is in bits but getting angry more than worried since we've heard from MIL's friend. He's going to speak to his uncle about the trust for BIL tomorrow.

One of the things which the neighbours offered was some work for BIL! Mending fences with one of the neighbouring farmers over the next few days. Apparently BIL was very very keen to do it and DH thinks it might be a good idea.

I've had loads of practical support - one of DC1's friends' mums (just a mum from school), has been absolutely amazing and has offered to have DC1 for a sleepover if I need to go down there to collect DC2 tomorrow. Loads of offers of playdates etc and the SENCO (who I approached just in case she had any information about the procedure), has said she's going to make some calls tomorrow which given we live miles and miles away and BIL is an adult is above and beyond. I don't think she can get anything done per se but she can probably cut through a lot of the confusion about who we should be talking to.

We called the school too but they haven't kept records that far back. We do have some paperwork regarding BIL from when he was a child and if it comes to it can get a letter from the supermarket he worked for briefly and the lawyers who dealt with the trust set up by DH's grandparents - it's on record that they set it up for BIL's lifetime care which would imply he needs it!

Isnt there an uncle too?

I don't know why I am shocked. I had a feeling that the 'missed flight' was a story and now that the work trip has turned out to be fictional, that would suggest to me that this is all part of her plan. I am glad that she is OK and hasn't done what your DH feared, but I am on behalf of all of you that she has done this.

You have been bloody brilliant and I take my hat off to you.

Yeah somewhere in the wall of text I mention him! DH is going to speak to him tomorrow. We're not sure how helpful he'll be though as he was very annoyed when the GPs set up the trust and doesn't believe BIL needs/deserves it. lots of arguments apparently. But he'll have to say that yes they made the trust for BIL's care.

Sounds like you & your DH are already doing a fantastic job and good news that you're getting plenty of support.

Am and that your MIL has been so selfish & irresponsible, but glad to hear she's ok & at least you haven't got anything more traumatic to content with.

My personal theory is that MIL wanted to go and meet someone and created the work trip as a front. Perhaps it's going well and that's why she wants to stay on.

I mostly think that because (from what DH remembers), that was essentially why she went AWOL 20 years ago - she'd met the boyfriend I mentioned way back at the start of the thread (he was foreign). But she was 30s then and is 50s now... so I don't know if it's likely to be the same explanation iyswim. But it's my theory in the absence of anything else.

You couldn't make this up.

Bloody Hell!

She had this planned!

She has left you in an uneviable situation... an adult male with additional needs which he is unaware of and who is going to require some form of assistance permenantly.

Bloody hell! Your poor poor DH I would imagine this is raking up memories ( and maybe some quite unhappy ones) from the past if she has done this before.

Well done I really can't think of anything helpful to add but my thoughts are with you, I hope you get a little closer to the truth and some more formal emrgency help tomorrow.

I also think your theory is very likely to be pretty close to the truth.

Good grief! I think she's met someone online and had planned to do this if it went well, hence her request that BIL stay with you for "a few weeks".

Sonotready thank you for the updates, I have been lurking around this thread since it started and I appreciate your candidness.

I have a HUGE amount of admiration for you, your strength, your relationship with your DH.

I must admit, I was a bit when your MIL seemed to accept so readily your refusal to have him to stay with you, saying she'd "soldier on." She presumably had this extended trip in mind already and wanted you to cover. You said no, not unreasonably, so she went anyway. Charming!

I think you've been handling all this incredibly well. Just be very careful that you don't end up taking him on full-time by default. I know you're acutely aware of this, but social services will be looking for someone in the family to take him on and you're the obvious candidate. Stay strong.

Thank YOU all for being here. I have posted about BIL before under different names and always regretted it, more because of what I've disclosed than anything - it has felt disloyal. No such problem here. I want this thread to stand on its own as it were. But DC1 and are keeping me focused.

I don't see how we are going to get back from this. DH is so, so, so anti-confrontation. He will do anything to avoid a scene or address a difficult situation. I've tried to respect the balance his family have struck over the years - and there have been huge arguments over it when there have been clashes between reality and what keeps things quiet, if you know what I mean.

There have been moments, before, when I've thought DH must've had a breakthrough and have been forced to see things differently. Nothing like this though. I'm just rambling now but it's been a very fucking long day.

Continue to stand firm, you have your DC's to think of, don't be pushed into anything by anyone (including your DH). Remember you are not the bad guy here.