to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Geordieminx Mon 09-Jan-12 12:54:26

Let's not forget a similar situation not so long along when a parent at the end of her tether, unable to cope was seriously considering handing her child over to social services in the hope that she would finally get the help that she deserved.

And has dumped her children before. Did you miss this? Left them at boarding school, so not even a question of needing respite then.

I suspect that she just assumed that op's dh would take on the BIL as he had been told that he was expected to most of his life. Having come up against reality, she has perhaps realized how hard she is finding it and can't face taking up the reins again.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for her as she could have had lots of very good help for years and had lots of holidays etc. but wouldn't countenance it for her own (unfathomable) reasons.

I do have sympathy for the op and her children and dh as they have now been forced into a situation which is exactly the one they didn't want, despite trying to help in every other way.

I have no idea whether thhe MIL is being malicious or anything else, but she has certainly got what she wanted despite it being the worst option for both her sons, her DIL and her gc.

RussellGrantUniversity Mon 09-Jan-12 11:20:52
There are some cold-hearted people on this thread Remember when a much-respected MNetter was at the end of her tether? Many of you were singing a different tune then. MIL sounds at breaking point

Completely different and I can only assume you have not read the thread fully.

This is a high functioning adult, capable of living on his own for short periods of time, not a severely disabled child.

The MIL is also refusing to accept any help from outside.

squeakytoy, I would assume in turn then that you have no experience of adults with learning disabilities like Op's BIL. As I stated in my post a page ago, a person with needs such as OP's BIL can be utterly heartbreaking, complex and exhausting to care for, in part because they are high functioning and are unable/unwilling to accept their limitations. They don't fit neatly and compliantly away into traditional care services structures.

I think alot of posters on here are making assumptions. About MIL, about BIL . That's OK, it'll obviously what'll happen in a thread like this.

I'm not trying to say that MIL is in the right by what she's seemingly done and that OP should become BIL's carer, but vilifying the MIL is of no use to the OP. There's nothing to be gained with anger. The OP needs proffessional help and guidance, from clear headed non emotionally involved experienced proffessionals. Hopefully that's what she's getting now

I dread the day I'm left to live on my own with ds1.

I can see myself ending up in the situation where getting help/respite etc will be just too much - it would mean dealing with his resentlment and insistance that he is ok, and his anger at my interference . So I will put it off and off, and just cope from day to day, afraid to rock the boat.

I can see myself one day just snapping, and thinking "I can't do this any more".

Which is why I am sympathetic - living with a child with SN is tough, but I can tell you that living with an adult with SN (one who is bigger and stronger than you) is even tougher.

I'm not excusing what she has done, but some of the posts about her on here are, quite simply, inexcusable for people who don't know the situation personally.

Yes MaryZed. My own late MIL actually moved and we were all sworn to secrecy as to her whereabout and phone no etc to stop her grown up son moving back in with her. He stayed in her council flat till they rehoused him in a smaller place. He had some kind of never diagnosed condition and he took to self medicating with alcohol. In the end MIL couldn't cope any more and had to get away. It was very sad. Eventually BIL died from the alcoholism but DH & I used to drop food off to him regularly, couldn't leave money as he would buy booze.

Iirc, this was the woman who caused BIL to have foetal alcohol syndrome and then lied to everyone for years as to the cause of BIL's disability. I'd have fuck all sympathy for her - her refusal over the years to deal with this properly is completely ruining both her son's lives and now her DIL's life.

I would tell dh that he needs to return to work - he can't take any more time off, his children's security depends upon him keeping his job. MIL's actions shouldn't be allowed to screw things over for her grandchildren too.

I would tell dh to bring bil home and I would them ring SS. With the best will in the world, it isn't your husband who will get lumbered here, caring full time for BIL, it's you. Not everyone is able to be a carer, particularly when it's for someone who isn't 'theirs'. I wouldn't be able to do it - it would put too much strain on my marriage. Given that you will be bearing the brunt of this, dh can't disregard your viewpoint. Proper help is what your BIL needs and your dh has been so messed around by his mother, he can't see the wood for the trees.

Your mil doesn't deserve to have her wishes considered. I think you have to do the right thing for everyone and get SS involved. Even if MIl gets home now, this is highlighting what will be inevitable one day,so the sooner it's dealt with, the better.

Perhaps she is so proud that she feels that by involving SS she is somehow failing her son and herself. Some people are very private and hate the thought of outsiders interfering.

Who is to say she isn't depressed and struggling with the responsibility at a time in her life when most of her peers are starting to relax, and enjoy life.

Perhaps she is in a dark place and in a moment of madness thought that not getting on the plane would be the best for everybody.

It is shit that the OP is having to deal with the fall out, and it is far from ideal but there for the grace of god we go, who knows how any one of us would cope in the same situation

Hello! Thankyou so much for the responses, have read them all.

Many people have made the point that bringing BIL here is not a good idea. This morning when I got DH to calm down slightly he saw this for himself (though for slightly different reasons). He spoke to his work and arranged emergency personal leave though he will need to work from home (whichever home he is in), every day. It is very much not ideal especially after arranging a week off at almost no notice (he has been off since before xmas and extended it to be with BIL for the past week). But he was working himself up about that and we have a small window to arrange things, which helps.

DH said he was worried MIL had harmed herself in some way, that was his chief fear. I persuaded him that in that case we MUST call the police and explain that we were worried she had harmed herself, she hadn't arrived home etc. He was very reluctant to do this (he has always been told not to speak to police/baliffs/other officials, it's amazing how this stuff 'sticks', when we were burgled some years ago he initially refused to call the police).

MIL is her own business iyswim.

We have:

• texted and emailed and left voicemails on every number we can think of telling MIL that she has until 4pm our time (this is 10am where she is, or was last time we saw her), and then we are calling the police and telling them we fear for her safety.

• called all of her friends, family (including the brother who is the other trustee for BIL), asking if they have heard from her (they haven't), and telling them the above.

• spoken to SS where BIL is. It is going to be enormously difficult to get help/support for BIL as they have no 'record' of him as vulnerable etc - no DLA even. But we will do it.

• DH has been around all the neighbours (it's a v rural area), explaining that he is worried about MIL and 'showing his face' as it were. These are v v nice people and he has had lots of offers of help and assistance and as BIL knows many of them to say hello to at least DH feels a bit better, like he is amongst friends, you know?

• I've arranged kennels for the pets starting tomorrow because DH just can't cope and BIL won't be able to on his own.

• We also 'told' MIL we are going to be contacting her 'colleagues' (people she works with when doing tenders etc), which should galvinise her if she is okay and reading emails etc as she won't want them knowing about this.

DH is veering between "she's just got delayed, you are overreacting" and thinking his mother is dead. It is awful.

BIL seems fine, he was a bit distressed when MIL wasn't coming back but accepted the delayed flight explanation.

I have a lot of compassion for MIL in the general run of things, honestly. But I am unable to feel compassion now, not when DH is so distraught. She has no way of knowing his job isn't on the line, or even that BIL isn't alone.

We are going to have to try and sort something out with DC2 as they need to be back really.

I'm having a really hard time getting DH to think beyond the immediate. He seems unable to take seriously a 'what if she doesn't come back tomorrow', we had a row about the kennels on that basis.

He has agreed to try and access her emails though, he's doing that now.

The op never mentioned FAS - it was mentioned by other posters, so unless she has pm'd people or people know her usual posting name there seems to be no evidence that the MIL caused the BIL's SN .

She may not have lied - she may not have been able to insist on him getting help.

The opp's dh may not know exactly what went on when his brother was young or a young adult. My children certainly don't know to what extent we have tried (and failed) to get help for ds1.

As posters we certainly don't know enough to condemn her as thoroughly as some people on this thread seem to want to do.

Sounds like you are coping amazingly well. X

Cross posts, sonotready.

She really has done a runner hasn't she. I really feel for you.

My sympathy for her will start to slip a bit if she doesn't get her head out of the sand soon .

Do you think she has convinced herself that if she doesn't come home your dh will just take him to you and he can have a "lovely holiday"?

MIL must be at the end of her tether so deserves sympathy. She obviously cares or she would have thrown in the towel years ago.

However, stay with BIL in his own home and reiterate that this can't continue due to work commitments. I can't agree more with the posters who say that if you "cope", SS will drag their feet. He needs to be an "emergency" to go to the top of their priority list.

Hopefully the OP is sorting things out as it's been a long time since she posted.

x post again

Wow - You are an Amazon, you are handling this really well.

Karma - don't think this can be the same poster, as she would have said in her OP that it was FAS, not brain injury from oxygen deprivation at birth, surely? Unless you know different, of course.

Sonotready - glad you're getting things sorted with BIL in situ - far better plan than bringing him to your home. I do hope you find MIL very soon and that she is fine. I'm sure she will be.

If I've got it wrong, then my deepest apologies. I just remember reading something very similar before and thought it was the same person.

Good grief OP what a nightmare. I hope MIL turns up soon and there is an innocent explanation.

I have a sister with major LDs whose care will fall to me and my DB in the future. She is blind but can talk, although she is hard to understand at times.

Like everyone else I think you are doing all the right things, and MIL has been the problem.

A proper long term care plan needs to be made for BIL and SS need to be consulted and involved. Whoever is caring for BIL should accept all the help that is available. I don't know whether his special situation should be discussed with BIL, in your DH's/MIL's shoes I would want to discuss this with experts before doing or saying anything.

I remember that story too, Karma - it was very upsetting for the brother to discover the real reason for his brother's disabilities after his mother lying to him for years, wasn't it :(.

Very upsetting Thumbwitch. I often think about things I've read on MN and hope that the posters are okay. Some people have truly awful things to deal with every day.

Hiya sonotready

Well done for setting BIL up with DH for the short term. Much less stressful for BIL than a new environment, and much better to get 'local' services involved asap. If MIL doesn't come back quickly I guess you could always decamp to their house for a little bit, if it can be done without services thinking the problem is solved. The 'safeguarding' team at the council are the people to go to if you are being fobbed off by the general workers.

I know everyone always says 'phone the GP' about everything, no matter how irrelevant the issue. But I think this is actually relevant. You have a disabled adult who has been abandoned (hopefully temporarily) and the GP might just have some sort of official diagnosis recorded way back in the old notes. And a mature adult woman who, following a very hard time, has gone missing. If, eg, she has been seeing the dr for depression, he can't tell you about it, but it is relevant for how much effort police will make finding her.

Social services will very possibly initially try to bounce this back to you. And who can blame them, it's going to be a lot of hassle for the social workers... Probably best that you (rather than DH) speak to them in case they try 'but he's your blood relative, why can't you take him' and DH crumples. Presumably you don't have any proof that MIL is even actually overseas?

This may also be your only chance to apply for disability benefits on BIL's behalf. When your MIL comes back (please God) she probably won't let you. If you call 0800 88 22 00 they'll post you a claim form for DLA (datestamped so you have 6w to complete it and the payment gets backdated). When you're ready, pop over the special needs to ask for advice about filling it in.

Ask for a 'carer's allowance' form as well, though you can't complete that yet till his DLA is processed, and it's finalised where he's staying and who'll be caring. Finally ask the GP for a sick note to say BIL isn't capable of signing on like regular jobseekers / just working full-time and take it to the jobcentre so he gets emplyment and support allowance.

The fact she has 'form' for disappearing when she just can't cope, and coming back when she felt better and help had been given, is somewhat reassuring.

Also, would the residential school BIL attended still have any records about a potential diagnosis?

Hi OP

I have followed your thread with interest, although not posted.

I hope your MIL turns up and you get everything sorted. I'm all for supporting people at the end of their tether, but her behaviour is beyond reproach.

I wish you well.