to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

just read your thread to and also very sorry for all involved. Sounds like a very sad situation for all involved. I hope your MIL turns up and is OK. Poor you, DH and BIL :-(

I've worked with adults with learning disabilities for 15 years now and have met definately a few people that sound very similar to your BIL. I just wanted to say that your BIL's denial and refusal to see that he is disabled isn't unusual. Even people I've worked with who've been in the system since childhood have a similar mindset. It's heartbreaking and very very difficult to cope with. One lady springs to mind whose learning disability prevented her from being able to hold down a job or relationship, and all she wanted was just to work, get married and have a family. She was so angry about it that on a very regular basis her support workers would have to accompany her to the houses of parliment to complain and try and get something done about it. She just didn't understand why she was different, didn't indentify with other disabled adults, couldn't find her place atall in the world. She obsessively watched soaps and lived vicariously through their characters, sometimes confusing them with reality and falling in love with actors as all she wanted was normal life. I worked with her closely for five years on a part time basis and burnt out because she was exhausting me, and the unfairness of her situation was damaging me. No matter how much help, advocacy, support and distractions I tried to get for her, it never helped, she never understood or found peace, even if she seemed to for a time you'd realise she was just pretending.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be your MIL and have coped all her life. She may have sent your BIL to a special school, but then as he grew up and turned into an adult, perhaps he refused to believe he was different and she lost the ability to insist that he was. It's incredibly wearing and emotional when you aren't the person's mother. I can't imagine how it feels when you are. What I'm trying to say is that it may not have been entirely your MIL refusing to tell your BIL that he is disabled, it may have been your BIL's disability/ brain injury making him unable to understand it. And over 20/30/ 40 years this could get very very difficult. I'm not surprised she's had a breakdown, if this is what's happened.

So don't be too hard on her too.

This situation isn't fair or easy on anyone. BUt feeling hard done by and being angry won't help. You need to act with the realisation that this is life, it is happening, it's not fair but many things aren't. Let go of the anger and act with compassion for those around you who have had a lifetime of this (BIL, MIL, DH). You possibly are the only one in this situation who has the benefit of not being blinded by emotion, conditioning and pain. You need to be the best you can now.

Contact proffessional people for help as soon as you can and get expert advice.

Good luck. I really hope all is OK in the end, I feel for you all .

ps - the lady I mentioned also had a brain injury at birth and was starved of oxygen. She knew all about this, had done all her life, could explain to people she'd just met that she was different because of the accident at her birth. And often did in inappropriate detail and with innapropriate anger for a casual meeting with a complete stranger. What I'm trying to say is don't necessarily pin your hopes on BIl being told that he is disabled and it all becoming easier, him finding his place in society peacefully and everyone relaxing. It may not ever be possible. The lady I knew's family didn't have any contact with her any more because they couldn't cope with her anger and inability to cope with her disability. They kept in touch with her carers, to make sure she was cared for, but not her. When I started working with her I was appaled, after five years I understood why. It's utterly heartbreaking and very hard not to judge others in these situations. I personally have much much sympathy with your MIL.

contact SS asap the sooner the better - they have a crisis team that will help you - DO NOT AGREE TO TAKE HIM even on a short term basis as believe me it wont be short term.

They will find somwhere for him / he will be a top of a long list. You DH may not agree but sod him... This is the best outcome for all concerned BIL will get a new place to call home AND the support he needs. You DH can still visit and be as involved as HE want's too with his care.

You MIL is a COW to leave you like this.... it is excatley the kind of thing i would expect my mother to do to us... thinking they will have to step up. but you dont - honest and it deffintley dosnt make you a bad person at all.

Be strong for you little family - things will seem easier when the cogs start turning but i repeat again DO NOT AGREE TO TAKE HIM OR BRING HIM BACK TO YOUR HOUSE he will not be deemed to be a priority, and things will be more difficult.

I too have just read this thread from start to finish and as soon as you said she was going away and leaving him in your DH's care I was cynical. I would be calling SS straight away. If your DH is thinking you can just call them and have services put straight in place he is being very naiive, you need to get the ball rolling. With MIL awol he is next of kin.

I've felt very sad reading this regarding your BIL, all his life he has been given a negative view of people with disabilities and learning difficulties, and shielded form the reality that he is one of them. He has missed opportunities to be supported, to socialise with peers, to gain an appropriate level of education, to have a fulfilling life.
I would be discussing this with the SS too, and asking about any counselling or mentoring services he may be able to access.

Please also consider - as you are a 5 hour drive away from each other, do you share the same local authority? If not you will need to decide whether to use to the one local to MIL/BIL or your current local authority.

I have a DS with autism and am shocked at how your MIL has brought up her son(s), it's such a sad story, all this shame and guilt and denial.

I agree with coffeedog in that from a SS POV if you take him in you are screwed. They will class you a 'coping' and bog off and leave you all to it. I would be calling his local SS crisis team and explaining.

I really don't think it helps to demonise the MIL. She has been coping for years with a terribly difficult situation, and sounds as if she's had a breakdown. Have some compassion people.

and as i just said it's sometimes not as simple as a person with disabilities slotting into to their alloted place in society with other disabled people.

Yes the OP needs proffesional help, but this situation isn't an easy one that can be resolved by a couple of phone calls and an empowered attitude , and the OP needs to know that. It's a long game. These people are her husband's closest family. Her children's grandmother and uncle. You can't just say YABU, no is a complete sentence and it will all go away. Anger and refusal isn't going to help. Compassion and love are.

Good God yes agree with above. If you take him in, SS will be only too pleased. Don't let that happen. DON'T!!!

AGAIN it is VERY VERY important that you DH dose not agree to take him.... just for the mean time/untill somthing can be sorted out.... PLEASE tell him this asap.

Trust me i have seen many families suffer by the struggle to get placements after agreeing to have them home for a 'couple of weeks'.

TBH it seem this could be a good thing for BIL (although not imediate) he will get some struture/independance from MIL.

I will be thinking of you all today - i know how emotional this can be for everyone involved but keep tears and feelings locked away until BIL is housed.

Good Luck

There are some cold-hearted people on this thread Remember when a much-respected MNetter was at the end of her tether? Many of you were singing a different tune then. MIL sounds at breaking point.

Do you think that your Mil has planned this simply because she is HOPING that you will do what she cannot bring herself to do for her son?

Get social services and assessment in place may be exactly what she is trying to get YOU to achieve.

I know it cant compare, but when my mum developed dementia, my dad was not able to do the right thing by her, he was too exchausted, I had to get social services involved, and take her for sectioning.

It is NOT EASY to do the right thing. It is not easy to keep your focus on how to help, and what help is best.

Short term, it was awful to take my mum to the mental A&E and leave her there with strangers. But long term, it was the right thing, and the ONLY thing to do.

Please call social services. You cannot martyr in silence. You are not helping your children, you are not helping your husband, and neither your mil nor you BIL by being unable to face doing the right thing!

I love my brother and am compasionate towards his disabilities - I also am strongly aware of what his limitaions are and how they impact me and my family.

MIL has had years to sort out care/arrangments for BIL she CHOSE not to and leave details to DH. Yes things have got on top of her but they are down to her own doing. I have little compassion towards thease people i am afraid there is help out there - she could have contacted countless agencies years ago again she CHOSE not to and leave the problem of care to somone else.

I know i can be a hard bitch - but on the flip side my brother is now housed in a great home / has activites every day / attends college / and is supervised 24hrs a day as he needs. He is HAPPY we are HAPPY. We can take him out for the day /weekend when WE want too. If he lived with us my marriage would not have survived and i wouldn't have been able to gaurentee my childrens saftey.

I was actually thinking of the much-respected MNetter when I posted, and my own situation with my very tiring DS. SS won't help if they don't have to.

The way BIL has been brought up and encouraged to live the way they do is a done thing now, and as a carer myself I can understand MIL's feelings (I often want to take off, it's an overwhelming, relentless way of life). I agree that he will prob be very angry and upset too btw.

In OPs shoes I would be wanting to try to make some positive changes for the BIL, also lets not ignore the fact that as well as the OP feeling she wouldn't be able to cope with having him in her home, he has stated he doesn't want to live there either!

sonotready YANBU at all. I would research any charities or help you can get for your BIL and MIL, I would take that responsibility seriously and never stop trying to improve their lives.

Unfortunately as a SAHM there is an assumption that you 'should' also be prepared to look after anyone who needs it as its assumed you have time.

My adored FIL is a widower, he also has alzheimers, I will always bend over backwards, go above and beyond to get him the care he needs, but he will never live with us. Apart from a huge lack of space, I will one day want to return to work. He's physically fit and healthy and if he moved in with us, could be here 20 yrs or more. I am not prepared to sacrifice my future. I also know he'd be horrified if he knew that's what I'd be giving up.

I may sound cold hearted. I also honestly believe that although the care I give him now I can cope with, I couldn't cope full time, and I couldn't provide the care he truly requires. Giving up your life to care for someone who is not your child, or your parent is a massive ask. YANBU to stand firm.

I do think a couple of weeks, a short while to give MIL some respite, well that would be reasonable, that would be kind. Any longer, unless you want desperately to do it, is too much. Don't be made to feel guilty for saying no.

Caring isn't an easy job, not 24/7. Its demanding, mentally and physically and no one should ever feel they have to do it. Good luck sonotready you sound like a good person, not cruel or callous, simply not prepared to sacrifice so much. I don't blame you at all. There are still things you can do. x

and just be prepared that this may not have a happy ending OP, you may not be able to solve this and give your BIL a good life, stop your MIL and DH feeling guilty. It may not be possible. Sometimes it's hard, but things just are the way they are. Just do what's best and get proffesional help

take care and good luck

I do feel sorry for mil but its not fair for her to just pass the responsibility on to her other son and his family.

If your BIL lives 5 hours away, surely you shoupd be comtcatimg SS where he lives and lettimg thme know that he is now living alone and is vulnerable? Shoundt your DH go and stay there with him, instead of bringing him to your city?

im confused, perhaps soemone who knows more can advise

If you bring him to ive with you, how will you cope? Is your Dh goimg to give up work to care for him full time? What about the safety of your children? Are you and the children going tp move out?

I think you need to comtcat SS NOW as a matter of urgency. BIls welfare is the priority, not chasing your MiL. She is not a missing person in an official sense.

Oh OP, how awful. Hope MIL hasn't done a runner or worse.

Thinking of you.

OP I do hope this works out ok and MIL turns up safe soon

I actually have some (limited) sympathy for MIL.

I suspect that she has decided that she can no longer cope and that op and her dh should take a turn. So this is her way of doing it - she asked them to take him, they said no, so she is making them . She is probably justifying it by saying "oh well, they'll be fine, sonotready is at home all day anyway". She is, of course, absolutely wrong, and has gone about it in completely the wrong way. But she may well have convinced herself this is a way out for everyone, and that BIL will settle down and it will all end happily ever after.

SoNotReady, your big decision is whether or not to take over BIL's care, get on to SS where you live and do it all yourselves (all the time waiting for MIL to return and undermine what you have done, call you unfair and take him home) or to contact SS where your MIL lives and trying to sort something out there (which has its own problems as doing it from a distance will be difficult).

I think the first thing you have to do is get legal advice and get your dh named as his "carer" so that any decisions you do make and any support you set up can't be immediately removed by you MIL when she returns and realises that you haven't just happily taken him in long term.

I feel for all of you in this.

OP just read all this thread - my thoughts are with you & your family. If you need to rant / vent / get advice we are all here for you.

Call SS there, unless your dh has already left with BIL, in which case call them here. Say BIL has been abandoned but you yourself simply cannot cope with his care as well as that of your children.

If you can stop dh from bringing BIL home then BIL will be better cared for, particularly as his own carer has abandoned him. If she had called in SS for help in the first place she wouldn't have had to do this would she? I have no sympathy for her at all, tbh, as she has resolutely remained blind to the needs of her son through being too cowardly to tell him the truth from the first instance, and is now dumping her responsibility on to you (not actually onto your dh, as he'll be out at work) without consultation. I think you now owe her nothing, and you have to fight for yourself and your children.

Just read this whole thread and I think your MIL's behaviour is despicable. She wanted you to have BIL and she's got her way, hasn't she? Sounds to me like she had this planned all along. After all, if she checked out of the hotel on time, why didn't she make the flight? If you contact the police to explain the situation re. your BIL, they may be able to access the flight records and you'll know for sure if she got back to the UK. If you contact SS they may contact the police anyway.

If she does come back, how will you know she's at home? Do you think she'll phone you?

I really feel for you and your family, what an awful situation to be thrown into at the deep end.

I think there are a few posters here making an awful lot of judgements that they aren't qualified or experienced to make.

Yes I feel sorry for the OP, and there is no doubt that this is a horrendous situation for her and her family to be in. However we don't know what has driven the MIL to this point, I doubt there are many parents that would take the decision to abandon their child lightly.

It may perhaps be the case that the MIL simply cannot cope any more, and feels (wrongly admittedly) that she has no other option than to disappear and force the situation.

Let's not forget a similar situation not so long along when a parent at the end of her tether, unable to cope was seriously considering handing her child over to social services in the hope that she would finally get the help that she deserved.

I think the phrase walking a mile in someones's shoes before casting judgement is appropriate here.

Maybe our sympathies and support should be focused on helping the OP rather than using vile words to describe a parent we know nothing of.

OP this is the point where SS have to be called. Your responsibility is to your own children. Personally I would advice leaving BIL in the house 5 hrs away and you and your DH calling SS saying he has been abandoned by his carer. On many levels it would be a mistake to have him to stay at your house as there is such a danger that SS decided that you are coping. Then your only option would be to leave, with your DCs and end your marriage. Your MIL clearly knows this and has maliciously dumped it all on you. As I said though, your bottom line is your own children's welfare.

I agree with Geordieminx - I think to call the MIL despicable or malicious (or some of the other things she has been called is way over the top).

I suspect she has let things get completely out of hand, and can no longer cope. She may well have convinced herself that BIL will be find and dandy with his brother and sonotready will be there all day to "help out".

The fact that she asked them to do this means she has convinced herself that they can.

Yes she has put them in an impossible position, yes she has gone about this arseway, yes she has made a balls of it in the past, but if she has been looking after him almost single-handed with no respite for the last 35 years I can sympathise with her just saying "I've had enough" and walking away. We all have a snapping point - maybe she has reached hers.