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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 23/12/2011 17:25

Oh, OK. So because she doesn't want to shag him senseless every night for whatever reason she deserves betrayal? Serves her right eh? Nice.

If this life-threatening lack of sex is such a problem for him he should address it with her - who knows, she might be grateful to you? But I think she should be given the chance to decline the favour....[hmm

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 17:27

Its also key for me but Op won't address it because to do so would burst her little bubble. Sad

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 17:28

From the point of view of being a betrayed wife, I'm honestly stuggling to see the merits of being reliant on the good will and morals of an unknown ow to stop my dh from cheating on me. I truly wouldn't care to stay with a man if the only thing preventing him cheating on me was the upstanding nature and self control of a myriad of ow.

This has to be about him, and what he is prepared to do to you, and to his marriage. Why does he want to stay with a wife who is not very interested in sex and yet look for it elsewhere? That would say to me he was either not in love with his wife or was simply a chancer. If it was the former, why not leave? The latter? I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole as it speaks volumes of what he thought of me, and I like me.

longsigh · 23/12/2011 17:33

Well said perfumedlife...you are so right that its not up to "other women" to be responsible for the morals of the married men of the world!

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:36

the fact that he's betraying her trust has nothing to do with me, I'm not judgemental. He's an adult and makes his choices. I still think the world of him, even despite this!

Orm, I never said she deserves it, I was just replyin to the question" what would you do in her shoes?", capiche? I don't think she deserves him to be unfaithful (nobody does), but that I inderstand the conditions that have made it possible for him to want to be unfaithful, despite still in a "normally happy" marriage, where things are ok-ish apart from the sex front.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:38

I think so many of you ladies are scared when you hear of okmarriages where the DH strays, because it means that no marriage (not even yours) is immune to it imo.

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 23/12/2011 17:41

I'm curious why you felt the need to post this? It seems a little bit odd to me to raise it on a forum like mumsnet- what did you expect, apart from perhaps upsetting a few people? Or was that the point?

onelittlefish · 23/12/2011 17:42

pumpkin what you are failing to realise is that you are half in love with him already. The way you talk about him speaks buckets about your feelings for him. A fling won't make you feel happy or fulfilled in any way - you won't get any benefits of a relationship, it will just be a shag and leave. You will probably only realise the depth of your feelings for him when you stop seeing him.

If you want to meet other men why don't you try internet dating? Speed dating? Or take up a hobby where you will meet attractive men. Just do whatever you need to do to not see him and distract yourself.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 23/12/2011 17:42

"You ladies" is a very bridgey sort of phrase, btw. Not very subtle.

PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 17:43

Having also stood in the shoes of the cheated on wife, I agree absolutely with perfumedlife. It isn't about pumpkincarver at the end of the day, it is about how the married man conducts his life.
Just out of interest Pumkincarver, what do you want from this man? Do you want a relationship or just to have sex with him? Is the attraction just physical? What do you know about him and how much time have you spent with him?

OrmIrian · 23/12/2011 17:46

No, I didn't ask what you would do in her shoes, I asked how would you feel? It isn't up to her to do anything. She's married to the man, you aren't.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 17:47

Speaking for myself only op, I am not scared of anything male related, fidelity included. What will be, will be. No marriage is immune from life's stresses. No one is that deluded. However, once trust is broken, there is no marriage imo. So, what passes for a 'normally happyish' marriage now will no longer be the same. He will know that, even if dw won't. Why does he want to stay in a marriage atall if he is prepared to lie and cheat to get sexual fulfillment. What does she have that you don't if you like? Does she put up with some truly hideous habits? Financial incontinence? Trust me, men are just as selfish creatures as women, they want what they want. He will stay because it suits him, and will use you for sex because that suits him too.

If you want to be a bit on the side, hell, it's been going on since time began. The moral argument holds little weight with you, and that's your choice, but what are you getting out of it? An ex who was abusive and a fling with someone who doesn't want you enough to be single for.

onelittlefish · 23/12/2011 17:50

Pumpkin - there are some marriage where the wife knows what is going on and reluctantly accepts it / turns a blind eye. This still does not make it right. When a couple make their marriage vows they both promise to be faithful. Being deceitful and having affairs makes a mockery of these vows.

OrmIrian · 23/12/2011 17:50

Oh, and I am perfectly aware that no marriage is immune. I have a fairly low sex-drive but personally feel that what we have far outweighs that. However if DH ever felt he was being short-changed, I'd rather he told me so I could kick him out let him go before he got involved with someone like you.

It's all about being respectful enough to everyone involved to give them the full facts and let them act accordingly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2011 17:56

I don't blame the OW or OM in an affair but you asked AIBU. Yes YWBU. He would be much more so. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

maryz · 23/12/2011 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 18:01

But Op, you were the one who came on here asking for opinions in AIBU!! Why was that, I wonder? I think AF had it right all along.

trust me, I've been the wife in this senario and no one came out thinking 'gosh that was a really good idea'. The fallout hit everyone involved and cost a great deal of everyone to sort.

Your self esteem must be so low if this is really the best you think you can do.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 18:02

oh maryz, x posting and great minds........!!!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/12/2011 18:03

"You ladies...."

I'm with BOF on that one. You could say phrase like that could trip you into a trap.

Go ahead, shag away....get fucked .... whatever

ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 18:09

Maryz and Migrating (if OP is the Man in scenario) well if his cocks as big as as his ego....Xmas Grin.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 23/12/2011 18:17

Twat. Of course someone will get hurt the only question is 'how many people will get hurt'. His wife will get hurt whether she finds out or not, because he will change, he will distance himself from her and she will sense it.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 23/12/2011 18:19

You are actually right about that. It does scare me.

It scares me to think that it is possible for someone to hold you, tell you they love you, plan a life with you, pretend that you are the only one, and screw around.

I would prefer to think that if someone promised to be faithful - they would be!

If two people agree that they are going to sleep with other people, fair enough. That's up to them.

What is unforgiveable is to go behind someone's back. To sleep with someone else and to lie about it. To come home to them, kiss them, tell them you love them and know all the time that you are knocking off someone else.

That is a terrible betrayal. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for the person you claim to love. And you don't have to know about it for it to be a terrible betrayal of you.

How someone can look you in the eye, knowing what they are doing, I will never know.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 23/12/2011 18:21

you ladies Hmm

sunshineoutdoors · 23/12/2011 18:23

If you care about this man I think you'd do him more favours by not sleeping with him, and encouraging him to sort out his marriage one way or the other. It won't do his emotional health much good to cheat on his wife if he is as lovely as you think he is.

homealone1 · 23/12/2011 18:44

Perfumed life - you are one of the few who are speaking some sense on this discussion. You have obviously reflected and learnt a lot following your experiences and it shows.

I, too, am concerned about OP's self esteem. She was in a violent relationship ( which will inevitably result in low self esteem) and now she is considering embarking on a non exclusive relationship when it's clear that it's more than just sex.

Pumpkin - you sound like you have been through a lot of trauma in your life and of course you deserve a bit of fun. But you also deserve to feel good about yourself and be cherished. I'm all for free and easy sex but you have to be the right person with the right emotional resources. I could be wrong but something tells me you are not. Am I wrong?

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