Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
coccyx · 23/12/2011 16:17

You could charge an hourly rate, then his needs are met and you make some money.

CupOfGoodCheer · 23/12/2011 16:33

If he can lie to his wife, he can far more easily lie to you. And you know that, basically, he is a liar and a cheat.

You have so little respect for yourself (possibly as a result of your previous relationship) that you think this liar and cheat is the "best" you're ever going to get.

I almost feel sorry for you.

But believe me, I've been in your position. He is lying to his DW, he IS lying to you too. Never been unfaithful? Bullshit. They have no sex life? Bollocks.

You are being taken for a ride. And you are choosing to remain wilfully blind to the consequences of your actions because you'd rather behave like an entitled kid in a candy shop than do the adult thing and take responsibility for the people who are being hurt as a result of the decisions you make. Including yourself.

Xales · 23/12/2011 16:37

I think his wife has the right to know if he goes and dips his cock into any wet hole that invites him so she can protect her sexual health.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 16:55

This ^^

OP, I started a similar thread a couple of years ago on another forum - I was married and was on the brink of an affair with someone who was also married. I wanted opinions - and I got absolutely battered. I was called a bitch, a whore, you name it. I didn't end up having an affair, I left my husband instead, and it was the best thing to do.

Someone told me on that thread that the reason a lot of women were so hostile towards me, was because they were shit scared their husbands would cheat with women like me. I think there's a lot of that here today.

However - having said that - you are extraordinarily naive to think that he's not having sex with his DW, I'm pretty sure that's a lie, for a start. And when you think about it, he's not a very nice person to be thinking about cheating, is he? I wasn't, when I was thinking about it. If he's as unhappy as he says he is, he would leave, wouldn't he?

My only advice is to go into this with your eyes wide open - and I don't think you are.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2011 16:56

The thing you have not addressed is her lack of information. Condoms fail. What if he gets you infected or pregnant? Or her. You get to weigh the risks and she doesn't. She doesn't get to decide whether to stay in the crappy marriage but he does. You are making decisions on her behalf.

BTW if he gets crabs even condoms won't save you all.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 16:58

let's clarify one thing. He never said he's not having sex with his wife, I don't understand why you're all assuming this! He just said that she's not that interested in sex, not that they don't do it.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 16:58

People keep saying his wife isn't his possession which I agree with 100%-HOWEVER if he doesn't tell her he is treating her like a possession. If she is an equal, with her own thoughts and wishes, then she deserves to be told. She is not then basing her life on lies (and an immature man).

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 17:01

It will be like 99 cases out 100, he is quite happy with his wife, he just wants a bit of fun in secret. If his wife finds out then he has to act responsibly. Rather than treating her as a possession, I would say that he is acting like her extra Child.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:03

exotic, they haven't got children, btw

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 23/12/2011 17:04

WHy are you even asking ? Confused

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 17:05

Sorry-not an extra DC then-her PFB-all is well as long as she doesn't find out and upset his cosy arrangement.(otherwise why not tell her)

OrmIrian · 23/12/2011 17:06

How would you feel if you were her shoes? That is all you need to ask yourself.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 17:06

So - his wife isn't that interested in sex. But what about everything else in the relationship? No strings fucking is all well and good, but do you think that she sees it that way? Of course she wouldn't. So to her, it's an emotional betrayal. Although that isn't your problem, it's wilfully hurting another person... which in turn, makes you not very nice.

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 17:06

I can see only one reason for not telling her-he doesn't want any responsibility.

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 17:07

Would OP even find it exciting if she didn't come on here to get a reaction? It would be terribly dull if she has a fling and no one knows. Xmas Grin

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 17:08

You wonder when some men ever grow up!

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:15

Abby, the rest of the relationship is ok apparently, hence why he won't leave her. So, really, should he just carry on living an unfulfilled sex life? If he's very careful she won't find out, won't get hurt, they'll stay together.

OP posts:
homealone1 · 23/12/2011 17:16

OP - I think the majority of posters on here have very different views on sex to a minority of women but the majority of men.

I think the main issue here is this...will you get hurt? This is a possibility of you fall for him and he does not wish to leave his wife. You do not describe your feelings for him as purely physical, you describe him as a wonderful man. So you may already have emotional feelings for him and sharing him when you have feelings is risky.

When I was single, I had sex with a lot of men. I was not always emotionally involved. It's unusual but it can happen. You have to be very clear about your agenda. My self esteem is (and was) high and I knew what I was doing as I enjoyed sex.

My DH was married when we met. His relationship was a shambles - not because he wasn't having sex but because she was very emotionally disturbed and he wasn't strong enough to leave her. He stopped having sex with her the minute we had sex and they got divorced 6 months later. We now have 3 wonderful kids and I have absolutely no fear that my DH will be unfaithful to me as we both have a past but are content with our present. ( apart from being too tired to sleep around!)

The issues of being unfaithful lie with the married person and not the single person. But you just need to make sure you don't get hurt and it sounds like you don't have that emotional experience to be embarking on this journey.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:17

Orm, if I was in her shoes I'd think "my dh is great, I've got him on tap, I'm gonna shag him senseless every day" and he'd be too tired to even consider other women Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 17:20

thanks homealone. I think your story shows that there are other shades between black and white and every single situation/person is different.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 17:21

I think everyone is entitled to a fulfilling sex life. But if the rest of the relationship is ok, then he's being a complete wanker, because he is betraying her! Can you not see that? Marriage isn't just about sex, is it? It's supposed to be a partnership.

If he's that unhappy with their sex life, surely it's something that they would have discussed and maybe come to an arrangement? But I suspect not, because I honestly believe he's full of shit. He's spinning you a line to get your knickers off - that's what they do.

I know you think you can be all detached about it, but I don't think you can - the way you speak about him is more than just a sex thing. You're heading for a massive fall in some way, I'm afraid. No good can come of it.

How would you feel if she found out and turned up somewhere to confront you? Would you just shrug it off like you are doing here? It would be hideous and you would feel like shit, honestly.

WholeLottaRosie · 23/12/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2011 17:22

Maybe she knows him better than you think and doesn't want to shag him because he's scanky and possibly diseased.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 17:23
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2011 17:25

It's key to me too Abby but the OP won't address it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread