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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 14:20

I'm with MorrisZapp here in the men are not possesions thing. I don't see ow putting lassoos round male necks and dragging them off. If he is going to cheat, he will cheat, either with you or someone else. That is a problem for the dw sadly. I've always felt that if I was cheated on, my issue would never be with the ow. I wouldn't love her or perhaps thank her, but I wouldn't assume my silly old sausage of a dh had no defenses against her. I like woman, I admire them and don't generally credit them with supernatural power to overcome men's solid moral code.

With regard to your question though op, I don't think you can have a fling with no emotional fall out for yourself, never mind the dw. You said it was unlikely you would meet a single man as wonderful as him, therefor you have invested feelings in him already. You are incredibly vulnerable to falling head over heels, and that will be a problem if he is staying married. Apart from anything else, he will be showing you and his dw a total lack of respect from the start. If he is so 'in the clouds' about you, he will want you all to himself and to be able to shout about it from the rooftops. Why doesn't he? Why not walk away from his marriage and give you and him a fair chance?...

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 14:44

Do you live your life doing whatever you damn well please without taking into account how your actions affect others? Really??

Of couse not - but if you default to doing nothing in the fear you may upset someone, somewhere you'd never get anything dome. You have to decide who is your problem, and who is not. One of the benefits of women's emancipation is to make your own decisions about your own sex life, but you also have to live by the consequences.

I would have thought the first responsibility would be to tell the DW before you start and then she knows her options.

And pigs might fly.....

I have always found it a very good idea to deal with the world as it is, not as it might be in some utopia.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 14:48

I completely agree that men are not possessions and that this man made the vows to his wife, not Op.

However, if you start knowing getting into something that is going to deeply upset someone else, then it is wrong, bottom line.

like it or not, this is not just about you and him. others are involved.

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 23/12/2011 14:55

Oh fgs. Just go ahead then, you came on here looking for validation, not for someone to put you off, or put you right. No matter what anyone has said, you have an answer, you're going to do it anyway, so off you go.

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 14:58

Exotic - men are not possessions. You make it sound as though the OP is stealing the DWs toy.

I am a bit surprised that anyone read this into my post. Confused

I am just surprised that an adult wants to be with a childlike man who won't take responsibility. It isn't a question of stealing her toy, it is being fair to another human being and telling her what is going to happen, so that she is free to make her decisions. Maybe it doesn't bother her, maybe they have an open marriage, maybe she thought marriage vows meant something. She is the only one to know and it is fair to give her all the information. (treat others as you would like to be treated-and I don't like being lied to).

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 14:59

You make it sound as if OP and the married man are adults-they either need to act like it or they are rather pathetic IMO.

TiggyD · 23/12/2011 15:19

Go for it. But don't forget to tell her about it. His wife needs to get rid of him fast so she can get on with her life and find somebody nice to marry.

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2011 15:19

I agree, the DH should tell his wife and give her the options. It's not up to OP to tell her though.

I don't like being lied to, who does? But it would be the DH lying in this situation wouldn't it.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 15:26

completely disagree. He doesn't want to lose his dw, why should he tell her? He wants to stay with her and that's ok by me. When our fling is over I'll waste my time looking for fantastic single men (there won't be any, as we all know!).

It's because there are no single men who are as amazing as him that I'm "making do" with a fling instead of a proper relationship.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 23/12/2011 15:29

I would question how 'amazing' a man was if he was happy to betray and make a fool of his wife.

Surely an 'amazing' person wouldn't sink so low? An 'amazing' person would treat those they claim to love with respect, surely?

ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 15:31

pumpkin what happens if you fall in love with him?

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 15:32

oh he is!
He's not making a fool of his wife. He doesn't want to hurt her or leave her; maybe he needs sex with me to stay married???

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 15:34

ThePathan, if that happens then I've only got myself to blame and will pay the consequence of it by suffering! But maybe it's still worth it, or I might regret not having gone through with this.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 23/12/2011 15:37

how is shagging someone behind his wife's back not making a fool of her?

Does she know about it and agree? If so, then fair enough.

If he is betraying her - he is treating her with contempt and making a fool of her.

He is looking her in the eye, knowing he is shagging about. That is making a fool of her.

Can you imagine? Someone looks you in the eye, holds you, tells you they love you - all the time knowing that a few hours ago, they were balls deep in some other woman?

Honestly - no decent human being would do that to someone they love.

I realise that it is important to you to see him as an amazing guy. But honestly - all I see is a shagger who's sticking two fingers up to his unsuspecting wife.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 15:40

maybe he needs sex with me to stay married???

What was I thinking, you are doing the wife a service and actually deserve a medal Hmm

You'll come up with anything to make it seem ok, eh?

SarahBumBarer · 23/12/2011 15:41

Regred not having gone through with it? They say the only things you regret in life are the things you don't do. I think people who have the luxury of believing that are lucky to have never truly screwed anything up Sad

How sure are you that his being unavailable (sort of) is not a huge part of the attraction? If it is then of course single guys will never measure up.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 15:43

Have you asked him why he feels the need to be with someone outside his marriage?

With most men it's just a massive sense of entilement, and it's all about them really. Can be devastating all round, for everyone involved.

Think hard and tread carefully. I'm not judging, but IME these things rarely work out well.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 15:44

*entitlement. can't spell today.

PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 15:54

I think there are people up and down the country (world probably) who are able to have affairs without their other half finding out.

I recently posted about a friend of mine, who told me that she had been having an affair with a man for 6 years, and as far as they were both aware the wife was none the wiser.

I have worked with 3 men who have all left their wives for the woman they were having an affair with and none of them were serial shaggers.

My own ex-H had an affair and left me & the DCs & he is still with the OW 9 years on.

It happens & it happens ALOT! It puts the fear of all that is unholy into everyone, hence the very strong response you'll get.

I would say be very, very cautious about embarking on an affair. Someone will get hurt & it could be very painful for you, him or his wife. If you really think he is the man for you & he feels the same about you, take a break for a bit, give it some time and see if you both still feel the same way. If you do, then he should do the decent thing and seek immediate separation from his wife.

CheerfulYank · 23/12/2011 16:01

Of course it would be on him for cheating on his DW.

But. You would really want to be a part of that? Really? Yes, it would be his fault, but I personally would never want to take part in the destruction of someone's world that way.

I had a flirtation with a married man when I was engaged. My fiancee was living away getting his degree at the time. The married man and I never did anything, but he had my number, there were a lot of looks and moments, flirtatious discussion, and a few times he "jokingly" asked 'should we do something about all this?'

Anyway, it came to my attention that a woman was, at the same time, pursuing my fiancee. And honestly, it felt fucking awful. The thought of losing my fiancee was terrible. And then I thought about the married man's wife, and her maybe coming across my number in his jeans pocket, or a text he'd sent to me, and feeling fucking awful like I did then.

Never again. I can't do it and you shouldn't either. Maybe he's just a cuntbag who will find some other idiot to give his "dw doesn't want sex" line to. But it doesn't have to be you. You don't have to be a part of making his DW feel like utter shit.

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 16:02

I would question how 'amazing' a man was if he was happy to betray and make a fool of his wife.

A huge question. He seems vastly inadequate to me and not someone that I would even give the time of day.

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 16:05

You wonder how it would work without the thrill of the illicit-probably the whole thing would be deadly boring.

ThreeNine · 23/12/2011 16:05

Their relationship will clearly be damaged by an affair, even if she doesn't find out.

'Maybe he needs sex with me to sta married??' - Yeah, you'll be doing her a favour... you fucking imbecile.

hackmum · 23/12/2011 16:13

In my experience, people usually do what they want. You know it's morally wrong, you know it'll probably end in tears, but you want to do it, so you probably will. Personally I don't judge you as much as some others on here because I realise it's very very difficult to resist temptation. But I wouldn't delude myself that it's the right thing to do or that it's going to end happily. It might - but it probably won't.

ilovemyteddy · 23/12/2011 16:15

OP You said: "ilovemyteddy, so it's ok for you to be an OW but then you flame me for even considering doing what you've done yourself? I'm confused!"

I'm flaming you because you are refusing to listen to posters who have been cheated on, and who have cheated. You are going to go your own merry selfish, entitled way, knowing that you are almost certainly going to get hurt, and that someone's DW could get hurt as well. It wasn't okay for me to me to have been an OW in the past. I was fortunate that my affairs were undiscovered, but the effect that my choice to have affairs had on me were devastating to my own sense of self. It isn't worth the suffering, but I suspect you are going to find that out for yourself.