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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 23/12/2011 13:12

Is the OP eating cheese this afternoon!

Or are things a tad fishy on the cock front.

HappyCamel · 23/12/2011 13:13

Why can't you be friends without sex?

The trouble with mindless commitment- free sex is that it might not turn out like that. you could get pregnant, he might have an STD. Without a fully committed honest relationship you'll be dealing with it on your own.

ChildofIsis · 23/12/2011 13:22

A man is quite capable of having a fulfilling sex life with his wife and doing it with someone else too.
If you believe the 'no sex life' crap then you're more stupid than you appear.

If he cheats on his wife then he is a liar!
He will tell you anything to have control over you, after all it's all about control.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 23/12/2011 13:35

OK, I'm old enough to have seen a few friends go through this sort of thing. Basically in any love triangle, 99.9999...% of the time, the cheated on spouse is made totally miserable, the OW/OM has a pretty miserable time of it too, while the philanderer lives the life of Reilly and has a high old time. If he's prepared to do that, he'll be a total gobshite. So far, so much in agreement with most upthread (though possibly, having seen close friends emotionally destroyed by being lured into being the OW, and on occasion , the OM, I have a bit less of a tendency to scream "attach the scarlet A and burn the bitch" than some).

However, another thing not mentioned so far - you've said you've come out of a shitty and abusive relationship. Are you sure there isn't an element of one or both of the following thought processes going on? "All relationships are shit, even if they put on a good face to the world, because mine was, so I'm just helping myself to cookies in a biscuit barrel that frankly are already broken so no one should mind?" (This was the attitude of one woman I knew who'd divorced, then chased a married man, and was left looking a complete plonker when he would have none of it). Or alternatively, part of you thinks (not that this is actually true, I just know that abusive relationships totally destroy people's self worth) "I was in a rubbish relationship because I am a bit rubbish and the best I deserve is someone else's leftovers, and huge physical passion is all I can get, because the emotional connection and fidelity that can and should go with that is only for people better than me."

I'd back well off this situation, maybe try to find a way of being content in your own company for a bit, and if necessary, find a single friend with benefits if celibacy doesn't do it for you while you get your head together (making sure that both of you are happy for it to be a purely physical thing).

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 13:36

People are selfish. Men and Women. If this man was unhappy with his sex life, and wanted out, he would leave. He can't be unhappy. Therefor, this is likely to be sex on a plate, and a nice man wouldn't take you up on it.

Can I ask again, how do you know he wants a fling with you op?

Icolana · 23/12/2011 13:43

Seriously?! You ask this question and then try to defend your self and justify it. IT IS WRONG. I have been the OW in the distant past and I have also been married and cheated on. It destroyed everything at the time and have long lasting affects. I can tell you not to do it as I have had the experiance from both views. I was wrong and destroyed lives when I was OW. I regret my actions and will NEVER do it again. It is one of the few things I would go back and change if I ever had the chance. Everyone is saying NO, dont do it. Wake up and sort yourself out. You cannot justify this in ANY way!

Icolana · 23/12/2011 13:44
Angry
Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 13:45

I don't think the DW's feelings are the OP's concern, she is the free agent here. The DW's feelings are the DH's concern. What I am more concerned about is that the OP understands the likley outcomes - ie that very few women seem to be able to have quick flings without becoming involved, and that very few men leave their wives for the OW

And none of us know what is going on inside the marriage - some men are bastards, some wives are bitches, some relationships are on the rocks - who knows here?. Wrt to the "no sex life", in my 6 months on MN I've seen enough threads here where OP's are basically saying they don't want to shag their DH's, or make sex such a palaver, to believe it could well be the case (and enough MN posters agreeing with the OP to make me think its not that uncommon).

So in conclusion.

Is the OP BU to shag the bloke? IMO, no - his baggage is not her problem.

Is the OP BU to think that it will probably be a no-strings fling? Yes, because IMO women find it very hard to keep emotion out of it.

pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 13:47

Lurcio, your post has struck a cord with me; no, it's not the case that I think all relationships are shit (I don't think so at all), but it's that I will never meet a bloke who is as amazing as this one PLUS single, so make do with however little I can have. Not sure if it's the result of my previous abusive relationship, I had never thought of it, but possible.

Perfume, he has told me that he just wants to see me again, that he's a bit obsessed with me and his head is in the clouds because of me.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/12/2011 13:48

Ignore the moral high-grounders from the 1950's. Men are in control of who they sleep with - no woman can ruin another woman's marriage.

It's hardly ideal, but it's reality for many people. Life doesn't always play out the way we'd like it to.

pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 13:49

Whatmeworry, thank you, I think you're spot-on!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/12/2011 13:50

Exactly whatme - I hardly ever have sex with my DP. Tis a fact. If he told a woman 'I hardly ever have sex with my DP' he'd be telling the truth.

Unless all marriages are hotbeds of lust after many years together? Ime experience that doesn't echo reality.

Icolana · 23/12/2011 13:50

You make a good point. However, if things arent good he should leave and she should wait until that has happened. If DW is a b itch or refusing sex then hes probably very unhappy and needs to sort it out but I feel (personaly) that she should (as should any other OW) back off.

MistletoeAndFlump · 23/12/2011 13:51

Grow up OP

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 13:53

"if he was single I'd totally want a relationship with him, he ticks all the boxes"

Except the boxes marked Reliable, Faithful and Honest.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 13:56

"I don't think the DW's feelings are the OP's concern"

That is nonsense. Do you live your life doing whatever you damn well please without taking into account how your actions affect others? Really??

pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 13:56

Doesntxmasdragon, my ex dh was faithful, yet a terrible husband and father, and a violent person. I know which man I'd pick! Besides, a person can be unfaithful to someone but not to someone else. In previous relationships I have been unfaithful, but never to my ex dh.

OP posts:
Icolana · 23/12/2011 13:57

Im leaving this now. You are delusional.

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2011 14:00

DragOn, it's not about how your actions affect others. It is not possible for a person to cheat on somebody they are not in a relationship with. The DH would be responsible for his DWs feelings - the OW has no more stake in her happiness than you or I do.

The OW didn't promise to be faithful to her, the DH did.

The reason I always go on about this is that I hate to see women blamed for the actions of men - it is so wrong to me in this day and age that we still see women as marriage wreckers etc, it's such a sexist and outdated concept.

Don't get me wrong, I'd happily smash the face of any woman who my DP cheated with, but from an objective pov my beef would be with him, not her.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 23/12/2011 14:01

I Bloody love Amazing Men too!!! I've heard that only the most amazing men cheat on their wives. They're so wonderful and lovely and charming and amazing and sociopathic and super and creepy I could almost squeeeee!

Fuck his brains out OP. You know its the only right and proper thing to do, don't you. His wife will thank you for it and you will be able to know that you did her a favour.

Of course a fling is better than an affair. You want to make sure you're screwing someone who sees you as a quickie or whats the point?

Enjoy and Happy Christmas!

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 14:02

I don't think the DW's feelings are the OP's concern"

I do think that their are some funny people around-they seem to have lots of rights but never any responsibilities. I would have thought the first responsibility would be to tell the DW before you start and then she knows her options. (throw DH out would be my choice).

I very much hope that those people who take what they like from life get their just deserts. I think that 'what goes around, comes around.

fanniadams · 23/12/2011 14:03

Is this still going? OP... single men... They can be perfectly wonderful too you know. Real life is not in anyway comparable with a Bronte novel and having an affair will always end badly; the danger of being caught makes them seem more exciting, more passionate, more fun. Its just sex at the end of the day so, I think you should leave him to work on his marriage and seek your thrills elsewhere.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 23/12/2011 14:07

I'm glad to have provided you some food for thought - I really would think this through more (I dimly remember the lure of swept-off-one's feet physical passion, and my abiding memory at this distance is it is incredibly hard to resist, and also that in retrospect it isn't worth the subsequent pain). I hope you can find some way of working through some of the feelings left behind by your abusive relationship and re-build some of your self-esteem. Perhaps start a new thread under a new name in relationships focussing on what your needs are (need for a physical outlet, need for validation, need for companionship, need to rebuild trust in the opposite sex) rather than this particular situation, bearing in mind that a lot of the women who post there are divorced because their husbands were philandering bastards, so wouldn't be sympathetic to your plans, but might be sympathetic about the underlying issues making you think it's a good idea.

MorrisZapp · 23/12/2011 14:08

Exotic - men are not possessions. You make it sound as though the OP is stealing the DWs toy.

What goes around often does come around - no doubt if this man is capable of cheating, he will find himself in hot water soon enough.

But the OP is not responsible for his choices and actions.

Dustinthewind · 23/12/2011 14:11

Look on the bright side OP, tell the wife, have the affair and then he gets thrown out. Then he's all yours.

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