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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:56

XmasFayre, I'd want it to end because I don't want him to leave his dw for me. I

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 23/12/2011 11:57

Pumpkin - you find him incredibly attractive. And if the sex is really good? Are you really likely to be immune to his comments that he has never felt like that before etc etc. You are already listening to his "problems" since you know about his marriage. I just see the same old story and I hear alarm bells.

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 23/12/2011 12:01

He may not leave his dw for you, but she may well kick him out, in which case you've enabled the marriage to be fucked, anyway.
For heaven's sake, as I said before, pull yourself together and go and find a nice single bloke.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 12:04

Sarah, maybe you're right. The fact that I have no experience of affairs makes me a bit more credulous when it comes to what he says to me. However he has no reason to lie to me, I'd fancy hum just the same if he told me he was having great sex with his dw.
We have great fun when we spend time together, it's like nothing else matters, I just think having sex would be the icing on the cake and then I will be free to move on with my life and find out if there really exist any decent single men who are just as clever, funny, charming and sexy as him. (I doubt it!)

OP posts:
cantspel · 23/12/2011 12:06

You are kidding yourself if you think you just want a shag with this wonderful example of manhood.

My parents brought me up to know that you dont take something that isn't yours so no you never shag a married man no matter what bullshit story he feeds you or how many mills and boon books you read. Buy yourself a decent vibrator if you are that desparate to get off.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 12:06

FFS, grow up.

itwontwork · 23/12/2011 12:06

OP. Do it then, fuck his brains out and then walk away. Make sure that's exactly what you do though. Don't get hooked and be very careful. Karma is utter bullshit. Emotion free fucks are totally possible, but difficult. Good luck.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 12:08

"His dw is not interested in sex, he has no intention of leaving her (I wouldn't want him to do that anyway), he's a very sweet guy, has never been unfaithful before"

How, exactly, do you know this?

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 12:11

well I have no evidence, I'm going by what he tells me. I'd still fancy him if it wasn't true. In fact, if he had been unfaithful before I would've already had sex with him by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 12:12

itwontwork, that's the ideal case scenario and outcome I would like.

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itwontwork · 23/12/2011 12:14

Well it could be the scenario you would get, if you were really capable of not becoming emotionally involved. That is extremely difficult though.

Groovee · 23/12/2011 12:15

What if you are to offer it on a plate and he turns you down? Maybe he just see's you as a nice woman but has no intention of cheating on his wife.

If he was meant for you, he'd be single! I think you're living in fantasy land and should just stay there. What you think will be wonderful sex may be a huge disappointment.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 12:17

Are you really that thick and desperate?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 12:23

Actually, given that you apparently don't give a shit about anyone other than yourself and apparently don't give shit what anyone else thinks... why are you posting this on Mumsnet?

lockets · 23/12/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopsylou · 23/12/2011 12:30

For all you know his wife is a bitch, and he's deeply unhappy. Doesn't mean it'll be the same for you! :) I'd find out the situation first.

onelittlefish · 23/12/2011 12:52

To me it sounds like you are actually looking for a relationship not an affair. You talk about the fact there are no decent men before you start talking about your "Overwhelming attraction", which frequently leads to falling in love. By sleeping with him you won't get him out of your system you will want him more.

It is normal to be attracted to people, but most people don't act on it because they can see the consequences clearly - you have allowed your attraction to him to blur your views on the subject.

In your situation, I would purposely avoid him. It will be the only way you will be able to see the situation with clarity.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 23/12/2011 12:55

"I'd find out the situation first"

Fab idea - go and ask his wife about the state of her marriage and ask whether she minds if you shag her husband.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 12:59

onelittlefish, if he was single I'd totally want a relationship with him, he ticks all the boxes. But because I know he's not mine I do not delude myself in anyway and accept that the most that there can be between us is a fling, no more.
Maybe I can avoid him for a while and see how I feel? I'm completely open to meeting single men, it's just that every time I go out all the men are too young or too old or not single! And he's the most incredible bloke I've ever met! AArrrgghh!
Doesn'tchristmasdragon, I'm posting here because there's a part of me that is trying to reconcile my lust for this man with the fact that he's married; I'm looking for honest opinions as to whether this fling can happen without hurting anyone.

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Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 23/12/2011 13:03

They're all the same lines my ex h used to use. That's one of the reasons why he's my ex.

ilovemyteddy · 23/12/2011 13:04

OP I was an OW and I was going to give you advice along the lines of SarahBumBarers post:
"It's a very damaging situation for an OW - if you believe the shit these men spin, you feel sorry for them, they appear noble somehow putting up with this terrible relationship for the sake of the [whatever], they also call all the shots. Your meetings alre always on their terms so you end up feeling grateful for whatever they crumbs they throw you. It is a very unequal relationship guaranteed to damage your self esteem and put up with even more shit. Then when they stay with the wife, the woman they [supposedly] don't love/never love/never felt like this about - it is crushing and impossible to understand...why they would chose such mundanity and lack of love over the passion and intense love that you feel.
It could utterly destroy you. Many on here will think that an OW deserves no less, personally I don't like to see what has happened to my friends however stupid their decisions."

But, as DoesntChristmasDragOn said "Actually, given that you apparently don't give a shit about anyone other than yourself and apparently don't give shit what anyone else thinks... why are you posting this on Mumsnet?"

Grow the fuck up and find someone who is free to shag you in all the ways that Fabby has so eloquently described.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 13:04

loopsylou, I don't think he's deeply unhappy with his dw; maybe just bored? sexually unfullfilled? I don't know anything about her and have no feelings of hate or compassion towards her, I'm indifferent to her, but I don't want her to find out and the marriage to be wrecked.

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ilovemyteddy · 23/12/2011 13:06

OP you say you are looking for honest opinions as to whether you can have this fling without hurting anyone. Read back through the thread and LISTEN to what posters are telling you.

NO. YOU. CAN'T.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 13:06

ilovemyteddy, so it's ok for you to be an OW but then you flame me for even considering doing what you've done yourself? I'm confused!

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MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 23/12/2011 13:11

I can't believe that you can convince yourself so easily that his wife's feelings do not matter in the slightest.

How could you do this to another human being?

And yes, you are affecting her, very deeply, the moment you knowing sleep with her husband.