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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
LilTooMuchTurkey · 23/12/2011 09:47

The statistics quoted on yesterdays papers were 1/4 men and 1/5 women.

All other considerations aside. You are finding it difficult to walk away now. How is sex going to help? What if it is great? That going to make it easier to walk away from is it?

I feel sympathy for women who fall for someone they DON'T KNOW is married, I can see how that maybe a bit harder to walk away from. KNOWINGLY going into this is so morally wrong on every level. If dh had an affair I would first rip him a new one then I would come after you too.

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 09:51

I'm amazed at the opprobrium being thrown at the OP, as she is the free agent here. IMO the "OW" is more often a symptom of issues within the relationship.

LilTooMuchTurkey · 23/12/2011 09:55

Still doesn't make it ok though does it?

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 23/12/2011 09:58

Actually resurrected long dormant log in for you, OP. But you'll love that , cos you love having things being all about you. So.

He's a (lyiing and hopeful) piece of shit. You are a (potential) whore and pretty definitely a bit of a cunt for going after a married man.
Yup. That's what I wanted to get off my chest.

Grow up love and itch your own scratch...

longsigh · 23/12/2011 10:03

YANBU- If he's that easily tempted then he's obviously not happily married...happy husbands(or wives) don't want to have sex with other people.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 23/12/2011 10:33

Why whatmeworry?

The MM isn't on this thread so it's a waste of time us concentrating on him.

From the OP, it's not actually clear whether he's in on it or not, or whether she is just planning to seduce him.

Dustinthewind · 23/12/2011 10:36

'YANBU- If he's that easily tempted then he's obviously not happily married...happy husbands(or wives) don't want to have sex with other people.'

I agree, but we only have the OP's belief that he wants to have sex with her.
Perhaps like my OH, she's stumbled on a faithful partner and sees it as a challenge?

longsigh · 23/12/2011 10:48

...but a happily married man couldn't be tempted or they can't be happy-surely people don't believe that anyone can be seduced? and if they can why would you want them to stay with you?

Dustinthewind · 23/12/2011 10:53

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where my partner either didn't want me, or wanted to own me. So no, I wouldn't fight for my marriage. I'd discuss and be honest about how I felt and then live with the consequences.
You can't steal a partner from someone, they make an active choice as an adult to have sex with someone else.

PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 23/12/2011 11:34

how well do you know this man OP?

Is he lying about being married? Do you know the wife?

Why would you do that to another woman?

nancerama · 23/12/2011 11:42

I've not seen or spoken to my father for 5 years because of a home wrecking bitch like you. Seeing the pain and devastation he has caused my mother who will never recover from the betrayal means I can never forgive him. How dare you even think about having an affair with a married man.

If you really care about this man, perhaps you could encourage him to rediscover the magic in his marriage. It's easy to slip into a rut, most of us need a helping hand to get out of that rut, not a shove back into it.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:43

thanks for some of the more sympathetic posts. As for the abusive ones, it's funny how some people claim I should care for a woman I don't even know but are themselves ready to spout abuse at me.
Paula, I have known him for just a few months, I don't know the wife but know for sure he's married with no DC.
His dw is not interested in sex, he has no intention of leaving her (I wouldn't want him to do that anyway), he's a very sweet guy, has never been unfaithful before. As for me, I'm certainly no man-eater. But all the nice men are taken, or they're too young, or too old. Any lovely guy of the perfect age for me is unfortunately taken.
I wonder if there's a place for a passionate, short-lived fling that will never be discovered.
Oh and those statistics are true, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 23/12/2011 11:44

Pumpkin - two of the most damaged women I know are women who had affairs with married men. The men were different - one was very honest that he would never leave his wife the other actually did leave her for about 48 hours then went back. In both cases the story was the same: "marriage over, just stay married for the [kids/convenience/the joint business/insert crappy excuse here], not had sex in years, never really knew what love meant until I met you, blah blah, blah".

It's a very damaging situation for an OW - if you believe the shit these men spin, you feel sorry for them, they appear noble somehow putting up with this terrible relationship for the sake of the [whatever], they also call all the shots. Your meetings alre always on their terms so you end up feeling grateful for whatever they crumbs they throw you. It is a very unequal relationship guaranteed to damage your self esteem and put up with even more shit. Then when they stay with the wife, the woman they [supposedly] don't love/never love/never felt like this about - it is crushing and impossible to understand (even in the case of my friend's whose affair was honest about the fact that he would never leave his wife) why they would chose such mundanity and lack of love over the passion and intense love that you feel.

It could utterly destroy you. Many on here will think that an OW deserves no less, personally I don't like to see what has happened to my friends however stupid their decisions.

Please walk away.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:45

nancerama, this man I have a crush on has no children. Do not project your traumas on me. And I have no intention of wrecking his home!

OP posts:
maryz · 23/12/2011 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2011 11:46

Oh purrleease don't tell me you've fallen for the old "My wife isn't interested in sex and I've never been unfaithful before" line.

Do people still really believe that?

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:47

SarahBumBarer, thanks. Maybe the difference between your friends and me is that I don't want or expect him to dump his wife for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:49

for example he never said he doesn't love her, from what I gather they have a good marriage except on the sex front. Maybe he's entitled to a bit of good sex?
I must admit if he had said he had been unfaithful before I would find it a lot easier to shag him!

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 23/12/2011 11:50

No - the only difference that I can see is that you have not got involved yet. Neither did friend A at the start and both were just as casual as you at the outset.

WorraLiberty · 23/12/2011 11:51

Maybe he already has fantastic sex but can't resist it being offered on a plate by an outsider?

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:52

SarahBumBarer, Oh, I see. I like to think that I'm an adult and won't lose the plot with unrealistic expectations. I just want to fuck his brains out and then go our separate ways.

OP posts:
maryz · 23/12/2011 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

XmasFayreToMiddlin · 23/12/2011 11:53

OP - the thing that doesn't add up for me is, if you find him so irresistible now and all the nice men are taken, what makes you so sure that this is just going to be a brief fling?

Why would you want to end it?

SarahBumBarer · 23/12/2011 11:54

Worra - I think people believe those lines because it is often true. Speaking as an ExW whose exH had an affair (and is now married to the OW) we had not had sex in at least 2 years prior to his affair. Also just think about the number of threads on MN about sexless relationships. I think it is a shitty thing to use as an excuse for an affair but I can't deny the truth of it in at least some (half?) of the cases.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 11:54

Worra, but there wouldn't be any need for him to lie about it if that was the case. And I'm not exactly offering it on a plate to him, I just know it's likely to happen.

OP posts: