To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

[lecce]

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

lurkerspeaks - the family you mention should have spent the cash on what you gave it for as they chose to accept it on that basis but I have to say that if a gift was offered to me accompanied by the sneering superiority that comes across in your post I would politely decline.

But the FIL isn't responsible for buying what the parents want is he? A gift isn't something you're automatically entitled to. The parents are supposed to provide everything a child needs and anything else from relatives is a bonus.

I'm afraid you're right. This doesn't show you in a very good light.

No but I think that the person buying a gift has a responsibility to get something they think the recipient will like otherwise what is the point?

AYBU?-It so depends.

Will they have presents from other relatives? What have you bought him and is it too late to swap it for a goat ?

Also, older people find it confusing that children have so much these days. I know MIL does. It's extravagant and unnecessary really. Perhaps FIL is anti consumerism or something. He's entitled to his beliefs and give presents according to his conscience.

Gifts are a gift not an entitlement, like lurkerspeaks pointed out.

Oh, YANBU. Of course it's FIL's choice, but your DC are too young to understand this message.

Perhaps it has got bugger all to do with the dcs, but they've probably got enough toys and it's not as though they're going to even notice. It's nice to have relatives round for Christmas to visit, not for what they're bringing with them.

Donating money to a charity of your choice that the recipient is oblivious to isn't a gift though. The fil isn't obliged to buy anything for the children (and hasn't imo) he has made a donation to a charity of his choice which I think most people do anyway.

A little of the course but someone gave us 2 oxfam goats for our wedding present not being in the slightest bit grabby or bridezilla'ish and I was a little bit , however it came in a box with 2 little plastic goats (you know the schliech ones), dc's love them and it is a memorable present. Perhaps get them a little goat each and wrap it from fil.

The fil obviously wanted to donate to Oxfam - which is great. But the children will not appreciate/want or understand the gift. It's like me saying I love this handbag in the Oxfam shop but my sister doesn't want it it so I will get it for her for Christmas. In what universe is that a thoughtful gift?

I'd love it if my dc were given this present and I think they would like this too. Much better than the full size football table thing they have been brought by the grandparents this year that we have no where to put

Maybe I am superior. I just think it is sad that what is considered 'normal' within one side of my family eg. swimming lesson/ tumble tots/ lots of books/ 'which' approved car seat/ 'big boy' bed with fanfare and celebratory trip to IKEA (so not even that posh!)/ Startrite shoes/ the odd day out to the zoo are not 'normal' in the other side of my family.

I was attempting to even it up.

Won't do that again. Or post about it on here.

On the other hand. If you know someone who would love an Oxfam goat it's a great gift. The gift isn't the problem - it's the lack of appropriateness.

I've nothing against charity goats, I get one from my mum every Christmas in fact. But a charity goat for a 2 year old is shite. There is nothing that a two year old can get from a charity goat. An older child might be able to learn about others less fortunate but a 2 year old won't.

If FIL is concerned about a 2 year old having too many toys but still wanted to get something then he could have got clothes, next size up if necessary. Or books. Or a zoo membership. A charity goat for a 2 year old is just a self-ego-massage and fuck-all for the child.

Thoughtless.

Lurker No, what you describe does not ring any bells with my own family situation. I am probably about to make myself seem even more ridiculous than I already have, but hey. My house is not full of plastic tat. My children, probably in common with most children in this country, have more toys then they need, but not, I think, a ridiculous amount. Many of their toys are wooden . They have a huge amount of books, puzzles and Orchard Toys games. They both have scooters and ds1 has a bike, ds2 a balance bike.

I am a teacher. As I said, we don't have a huge amount of money, partly because our dc are still young and dh is a sahd and, because of his illness, we have always been reluctant for him to take on part-time work. He is starting to pick some up now that ds1 is at school though.

We do not struggle to clothe our dc and, though we can't often go on expensive days out, we do go on enriching visits to country parks etc. We are members of the National Trust - I was shocked how cheap this is as to visit their properties as a non-member is pretty expensive.

No we are not idiots who have filled our home with plastic while failing to clothe/stimulate/eduacate our children and are not therefore in need of a wealthy and patronising relative to come along and show us the error of our ways.

YANBU - This is a stupid present as the children are too young to understand the meaning of such a gift.

I think £20 each in their respective bank accounts for the future, especially considering your DH's health would have been a much better idea.

Still, you can't control what people buy & everyone has different ideas. So unfortunately, I guess through gritted teeth, you will have to accept graciously.

Well said OP! Leave it at that if I were you!

Our dcs got a goat each from their FIL when they were 2 years old. We were pleased as they wanted for nothing but it was a gesture, at 2 they had no clue who gave what at Christmas, at 4 still not that wired into the whole present thing but by 5 years old they would have been ever so slightly gutted and a tad confused.

So I think YANBU and can see totally why you are feeling he is being a judgy pants = because it's the only time we have ever considered buying one was to teach a spoiled ungrateful nephew a bit of a lesson.

I'm missing something here obviously. The key word is gift. Which part of this is a gift? It's a charitable donation and help for the people who need it. All very admirable, but gift? The meaning of the word must have changed since I last looked it up in a dictionary.

if he doesn't tell the children or show them something about it, it's not a present for them, it is something he has bought instead of buying a present for them. Which may or may not be fine.

If he does tell them, then they will want to see/stroke/live with the goat. There will be tears and frustration as the poor OP tries to explain and stop them being disappointed (and showing disappointment rather than gratitude).

OP, next year get your FIL a toy from Early Learning. Presents don't have to be age appropriate or something the recipient will like or even know about after all. I think you should get a bratz doll or a pull along dog on a string which yaps. In pink.

Super. In which case are there concrete things your children would enjoy doing that FIL could fund.

I have friends whose parents pay for music lessons. Other families where grandparents buy the Nat. Trust membership.

(I realised I was getting middle aged/ metamorphosing into my Mother when I went on an en masse post wedding trip to a national trust property and only one family weren't members!)

You say you worry about University (a worry I understand wholeheartedly). Do you have a savings account you could suggest FIL contributes to in lieu of charity donations. Neither of which are not likely to get a 4yo very excited however the former will be more directly useful to your children.

As someone who has been on a rather lengthy search today to locate the 'correct' plastic helicopter to keep the myth of Santa alive. I do have a fairly good grasp of 4yo psychology.

get him one of these