to not want my smoker relative near the baby?

[dobeessneeze]

We're going to stay with my parents from Christmas until New Year. My aunt, who smokes, will be there for most of the day on Christmas Day, Boxing Day and probably another couple of times over the course of the week. She never smokes in the house, but will probably pop outside 5 or 6 times during the day. This will be our PFB's first Christmas, we don't see my side of the family very often as they live quite far away and DD is the first grandchild, so the excitement levels are already off the scale.

Should we:

1. Ask her to follow the guidelines for smoking around babies with regard to hand-washing after smoking, not holding the baby in clothes that she has smoked in, not breathing on baby within so many minutes of having a cigarette etc.
2. Not say anything but try and manage the situation to keep the baby away from her after she's had a cigarette.
3. Not be so damn PFB about it and accept that any toxins are probably in such small amounts that it's not worth risking offending her (and she WOULD be offended, and quite possibly make a scene).
4. Something else.

Never had to deal with this before, so will be guided by the wisdom of the MN jury...

3, or if you really can't, 2.

A combination of 2 and 3.

You can explain the guidelines and say that your child is not used to the smell of smoke.

Chances are she'll put her coat on to go outside and take it off again once she's back in, so the clothing won't be an issue.

Not sure how you can stop her from breathing though......!

My vote goes for a combination of options 2 and 3. You cannot help PFB. Just try to tactfully manage the situation, in the knowledge that the exposure levels will be low.

We did mix of 1 and 3 - hand washing and waiting for 20 mins, yes. Changing clothes - no, on grounds that she was wearing a coat anyway when out. DS is a year now and we don't worry now, was just first 6 months or so really.

It IS PFB ish and probably doesn't have any real impact unless you live in middle of nowhere with no cars or airports within a 10 mile radius - but who cares, it's your DC :-)

I have to admit that I would do (1), offensive though it might be. She must know that smoke and babies are an ill-advised combination.

You may find that she is very sensitive about it. My sister didn't smoke for hours when my PFB was a newborn and wore a special 'smoking coat' with a hood so that her indoor clothes were largely protected from the smoke.

If she is less sensitive, I'd got for 2

I think I would do 1 if possible (how would she react do you think?) or, failing that 2.

We had this with a relative in the past. I took a blanket and each time the smoker wanted to hold the baby, I passed them the blanket and explained the baby was a bit windy/just been fed and I did not want them being sick all over smokers clothes.

I did 1 mostly. If you say it politely (maybe not making her change her clothes) there is not point in you making yourself anxious over this when all she needs to do is practise decent post-fag hygene before handling your child.

I'd go for 3 if it were me (and it was once upon a time) I put up with pushing DS around in the pushchair neatly positioned at exhaust height for quite a long time and put up with it, a couple of days exposure to third hand cigarette smoke is probably a much much smaller risk.

3 unless you want to be seen as being irrationally paranoid.

2 and 3, and maybe a teeny bit of 1.

Handwashing is an OK thing to ask someone to do, not holding the baby if she has smoked in those clothes is OTT.

You haven't asked an AIBU question, by the way.

Haven't the guidelines changed in the past few years though?

I would not have thought about this at the time, but I think I reads something recently that made met think.

How old is your DD?

You are not being unreasonable, we didn't let smokers hold DS when he was a baby unless they were in clean clothes etc. All the smokers we know were understanding. It's your baby, people should respect your way of doing things. And you don't want to let saying nothing but then privately worrying put a dampner on your Christmas.

I'd go for 1 too.

Stinky smoker hands and clothes and a beautiful fragrant little baby should just never be allowed to join together under any circumstances. Euch! You have my sympathies.

1. You're there for a week. Your PFB will be fine.

I smoke, and when my closest friends baby is born next year, I will take it upon myself not to smoke before we visit. When I get to spend longer with her and the baby, I will avoid smoking as much as I can, and I will take a designated smoking hoodie, wash my hands, and won't hold the baby after I have smoked for at least 20 minutes unless she asks me to. I may even take a toothbrush too!

But my friends parents and dh smoke, so I think she will be forced into getting used to the smoke thing fairly soon after her dc is born. But as her friend and someone who wants to be supportive, I want to add to that as little as I can. I know she is a little worried about it already, and it will probably only get worse when baby is born.

If someone who smokes doesn't realise that they smell smokey and that that is not ideal around babies, then they should be told. In your position, I would do a combination of all the things you suggest. She might manage it herself, but if she is insensitive enough to ask to hold your baby just after she has smoked, then she should expect to be a little offended when you are forced point it out to her.

I think it is as much about protecting the feelings of the new Mother as it is about protecting the health of the baby.

I'm watching this with interest.

We're awaiting the arrival of our PFB in a couple of months and MIL is a horrible smoker. Constantly smoking in her house etc while she still had children as well, asthmatic ones may I add. I very clearly remember my first and only christmas with her, when she was smoking in her living room, blowing smoke in her then 12 year olds face. The 12 year old asked her to please smoke outside as she couldn't breathe. MIL ignored her and kept smoking.

So I'm very sure, I'll have some no-smoking-around-my-baby battles ahead of me...

Here from the BBC.

Can you email that to your family and say that the HV advised you to follow these rules.

Maybe do it the other way around.

"Our Health Visitor was telling me about the dangers of third hand smoke. I had never heard about this, and so had a look online and there were a few articles about it. I don't think that it is an real danger to PFB but what do you think?"

I find that my Mum will accept things like this if the BBC have reported it.

You will hopefully raise your Mum's protective instincts and she will have a word with your Aunt.

I'd do 1.

Maybe it will help motivate her to give up.

I'm just waiting for them to invent fourth-hand smoke.

3 gets my vote.

Firstly, what is PFB? Secondly, I did 1 when i went to the ILs and they were fine about it.