to not want my smoker relative near the baby?

[dobeessneeze]

We're going to stay with my parents from Christmas until New Year. My aunt, who smokes, will be there for most of the day on Christmas Day, Boxing Day and probably another couple of times over the course of the week. She never smokes in the house, but will probably pop outside 5 or 6 times during the day. This will be our PFB's first Christmas, we don't see my side of the family very often as they live quite far away and DD is the first grandchild, so the excitement levels are already off the scale.

Should we:

1. Ask her to follow the guidelines for smoking around babies with regard to hand-washing after smoking, not holding the baby in clothes that she has smoked in, not breathing on baby within so many minutes of having a cigarette etc.
2. Not say anything but try and manage the situation to keep the baby away from her after she's had a cigarette.
3. Not be so damn PFB about it and accept that any toxins are probably in such small amounts that it's not worth risking offending her (and she WOULD be offended, and quite possibly make a scene).
4. Something else.

Never had to deal with this before, so will be guided by the wisdom of the MN jury...

EFA, IMO, to do something so harmful to your health - limit your fitness, increases your chances of serious illnesses, makes your fingers yellow, stains your teeth, makes your walls brown, that is harmful to others, stinks, costs a fortune, makes you go stand outside in the cold at social events, well, yes, sounds insane to me.

I think a bit of perspective has been lost... We aren't talking about making the baby take up smoking! I think the effect of the carbon monoxide is going to be non-existent unless the aunt exhales directly into the baby's mouth, which seems unlikely.

Yes, smoking is stupid, but I think that making people smoke outside is all you can reasonably do. You can hope they wash their hands, but I don't think you can say so. I understand the anxiety but on this occasion I think it's without foundation.

YANBU - is difficult. I think the clothes thing will be difficult to pull off. I think I would ask her (or maybe ask everyone so it doesnt look like she is being singled out) to wash their hand before picking the baby up,and I would strategically keep the baby away from her for awhile after she has just been out for a fag - invent a nappy chnage or feed which means you have to take her upstairs for a bit, give her to a non-smoker for a cuddle etc. She cant completely oblivious to how foul her habot is for others if she goes outside at least.

TBH, once my babies were a bit older, say 6m + I would sometimes let it go a bit and then bath them as soon as we got home or the person left. Before that I would startegically try and keep them away from the person - but then ther is only one smoker left in my extended family and he is pretty good about it.

SnowHun so 20% of the UK adult population who smoke are insane? Should they be trusted with children/jobs/driving licences etc then?

Are people who drink alcohol or don't exercise much or are overweight or don't wear deoderant also insane?

Problem is smokers really have no idea how much they stink, they really don't get it. They'd probably wrinkle their nose up at someone with really bad BO not realising that is how bad they smell to lots of other folk. I'd be more concerned about the smell being unpleasant for the baby than the toxins as it's only for a very limited time.

1. you need to communicate your concerns to your relatives in advance in a tactful manner and possibly come to a compromise. Change of clothes is a bit OTT but washing hands after each cig is not unreasonable.

FWIW, you will not be so precious with your 2nd or further kids. With my PFB I was uncomfortable with my DH carrying him after a cple of beers but with my 3rd she was sleeping on her front at night! It's all a matter of keeping risdks in perspective. There is more risk each time you get in a car with your PFB!

My ex smoked when my little boy was born and i banned him from holding the baby up to an hour after he had a smoke and make him wash his hands.
You cant stop anyone from smoking thats their choice but you can decide if and how you want smokers to handle your baby.

MildlyNarkyPuffin: "Really? You'd be hurt by someone asking you to wash your hands when you've just been smoking?????? I never was."

I'm not sure if this was directed at me, but if it was, I am not and never have been a smoker. However, telling another adult to wash their hands is patronising - would you remind another adult to wash their hands after going to the toilet? No, you wouldn't.

Of course not everyone in the 70s was brought up in a smoking household, but a lot of us were. In the 1980s at university I had a few friends who had no qualms about smoking at the table in restaurants, or in your room in hall, or during ordinary conversation, or in the cinema, or in the pub, or during any time when it would be unpleasant for non-smokers. I absolutely hated it but it's a very far cry from someone going outside for a smoke and then coming indoors again and touching a baby.

my nephew visited my mum for the afternoon (mummy having her hair done). OMG He smelt like an old ashtray he had been to other nanny's house in the morning and she smokes like a chimney. It was soooo bad we had to strip him off wash his clothes and give the poor little tyke (around 5 months) a bath as his hair was smelly too? I felt sick.
I am an ex smoker who ALWAYS went outside for a fag wether i had to or not . His parents are also non smokers!

sorry about the story go for 2

Option 3..unless you dont mind your aunt knowing you are a complete loon!

I remember our manager used to sit at the counter smoking and blowing smoke all over the customers, a different world Thank God.

It wasn't directed at you Hackmum, it was a general comment because people were suggesting it was offensive to ask someone to was their hands before touching the baby if they'd been smoking.

Some friends had a happy mistake and though she managed to quit during the pregnancy they both had a few cigarettes a day after their DD was born. The advice they were given - and that they asked other smokers to follow - was to smoke outside with a jacket on and then come in, take off the jacket and wash their hands. How is that offensive???????

It's nothing like asking people if they've washed their hands after using the toilet.

Me too Iwantto. I smoked a lot for years and would never have smoked inside someone's home (who didn't smoke inside themselves.) And I knew then that it made my hand stink - if you're trying to hide it from your parents, you smoke outside with sleeves rolled up and use chewing gum and wash your hands to get rid of the smell.

2

Yawn - see this has turned into the usual predictable thread. Wonder how long it will be before the next one - I predict about 2 weeks.

As a general rule its reasonable to reduce the risks you can. To say that the fact that a baby is exposed to risk regardless is a reason to ignore all risk is crazy.

Also as a general rule if you can smell something then it is interacting physiologically with you. So if you can smell the smoke then it is capable of affecting your baby. It is a small risk for certain, but a totally avoidable one, so avoid it.

MildlyNarkyPuffin: "The advice they were given - and that they asked other smokers to follow - was to smoke outside with a jacket on and then come in, take off the jacket and wash their hands. How is that offensive??????? "

Well, either they will already intend to wash their hands, in which case it's patronising them to ask them to wash their hands, or it won't occur to them to wash their hands, in which case you're implicitly criticising their standard of hygiene. It's a no-win.

Yanbu. I asked my friends to not smoke when they came to see dd at 10 days old as I knew otherwise they would stand outside the front door with a fag then come in for a cuddle...the toxins etc cling to clothes. I just mentioned that the midwife had recommended it.

They were fine, completely. I'm not anti smokers, I used to be one but I don't want it round my baby when it can be avoided.

I think I'd go for getting her to wait 20 mins after a fag and hand washing. Just say it nicely and joke that you are veing very PFB but that baby is so precious

On balance though - the baby is far more likely to be "damaged" by having a weirdly uptight and neurotic mother than being held a couple of times by someone who may or may not have smoked a cigarette

This

Third hand smoke for FFS! Just stop and think about it for a sec.

I can't believe that any half sane person would be taken in by this pseudo-science. The notion that the mere act of holding a baby after having a ciggie would transmit toxins onto the child is beyond absurd.

This mumbo jumbo is one step removed from 17th beliefs about bad humours in the air causing the plague.

From what you've said your Aunt is taking ever reasonable precaution, it is not like she's flicking fag ash over your child.