to not want my smoker relative near the baby?

[dobeessneeze]

We're going to stay with my parents from Christmas until New Year. My aunt, who smokes, will be there for most of the day on Christmas Day, Boxing Day and probably another couple of times over the course of the week. She never smokes in the house, but will probably pop outside 5 or 6 times during the day. This will be our PFB's first Christmas, we don't see my side of the family very often as they live quite far away and DD is the first grandchild, so the excitement levels are already off the scale.

Should we:

1. Ask her to follow the guidelines for smoking around babies with regard to hand-washing after smoking, not holding the baby in clothes that she has smoked in, not breathing on baby within so many minutes of having a cigarette etc.
2. Not say anything but try and manage the situation to keep the baby away from her after she's had a cigarette.
3. Not be so damn PFB about it and accept that any toxins are probably in such small amounts that it's not worth risking offending her (and she WOULD be offended, and quite possibly make a scene).
4. Something else.

Never had to deal with this before, so will be guided by the wisdom of the MN jury...

Yes, I did think that, Bof.

Another bloody thing for us to worry about.

Tbh, I don't know if I would cause hassle and stress for a couple of days. If it were someone you were likely to see regularly, then yes.

Not sure about it, tbh

Option one. Tird hand smoke is not worth the risk to me no matter how small.

Personally I would go for option 3 but I would be a bit annoyed if she didn't make some effort to wash her hands and wait a bit before holding the baby - just to show some sensitivity of the situation.

You're not being unreasonable to worry about it - it's your new baby!

Risk of what? What exactly do you think will happen? Do you live your whole life avoiding infitessimally small risks? Better just stay home then, on case of a freak storm or a car accident, eh?

Definately 3, and this comes from a non smoker. As bloody mofo said, your baby will get far more shit in their lungs from you walking down the road with them in the pram than they would from 2nd hand smoke from a smoker. Im sure as well that your aunt will be very much aware of the baby and wash hands etc, any reasonable person would.

Christ almighty (not you OP).

Do you really think the 'risk' from 'third hand smoke' is bigger than the risk from being near heavy traffic, which no doubt a baby will do frequently.

My ILs are chain smokers and were always of the opinion that if you didn't like them smoking then you didn't have to visit them in their house. However since DD was born they don't smoke in their house when she is there and they ventilate the house before we arrive. You may find smokers are more respectful than you think. Not sure what would happen if DD was left alone with them though

1. I never knew about the hand washing thing

I would not want to offend her but like wise I think she will be carefull around your newborn 99% of smokers would understand how you feel and would not want to upset you. I think it depends on how close you are to that person too. I remember when my DD1 was born I was living with my mother at the time I came in with her and my Aunt and Uncle were there ewwwww I smelled smoke as I came in the door. I shouted god it stinks of fags, took DD straight to our room. DD was asleep so left her in the smoke free area then went storming into the living room threw open all the windows my Aunt and Uncle looked at me gone out and left shortly afterwards and I only let them look at DD when they were leaving. Do what ever you feel happy with its your little one.

We did 1.

MIL was the only person in our family who smoked and she knew that the alternative was us not visiting. She didn't smoke in the house anyway. FIL hated her smoking and he ensured she followed the rules. When DD was 1 she gave up completely because she decided it was nasty.

My baby, my rules and all that.

There are some things I won't compromise on.

Good idea MmeLindor - I think I might send that to my mum and see what she says. She can be quite defensive of my aunt when I criticise her, but hopefully her lovely grandchild will get her protective instincts up.

DD is 5 months old.

And BluddyMoFo - when she was really small, I did want to breathe her air for her to take out all the horrible pollution from the busy road into town. This whole protective instinct has taken me quite by surprise you know!

I've just been googling around this 'third hand smoke' thing. I can't find any hard evidence, only a survey done by some guy in Massachusetts about Americans' beliefs about the health risks of passive smoking and contact with trace elements of cigarette smoke on clothes. Note: survey about beliefs, not report of actual facts. In classic Bad Science style it was picked up by the papers as a 'New health risk warning' scare story, based on little but what some people said in a phone survey.

Here's a bit more about the survey that sparked the whole panic.

You're entitled to insist your relatives change their clothes before touching your PFB if you wish. But I think YABU to pick up on this relatively unfounded and minuscule risk.

PFB-tastic. Get a grip.

It's a week. You can hold down the PFB itis for a week.

3, unless you don't want to see your aunt ever again in which case 1

I loathe and detest smoking, but I grew up surrounded by it and my children grew up surrounded by it during visits to GPs and aunts. We all survived. (Even when they didn't desist when my DCs were poorly - I spent the day moving from room to room to avoid everyone)
I totally agree with people not smoking around your baby at all, and handwashing is always a good thing.
But having to change clothes or No Holding.
Really?

I'd do 1. Have never had to, I don't know any smokers. But I would have no hesitation if I did. I had a grandmother who smoked heavily, I loved her to bits but the smoke was vile and my overriding memory of her.

I have to day, I don't understand why you wouldn't wash your hands after a fag anyway, as your hands reek let alone passing on whatever.

OP - you know what, you are not being precious by not wanting smokers around your baby. You really should do what you feel is best (I'm with option 1 although not changing clothes)

Mrs Huxtable - that is awful! Stand up for yourself though - your MIL sounds horribly selfish about her smoking habit and you should be 'selfish' about not exposing your child to it.

I suppose fourth-hand smoke would be the residue on the soap after auntie has washed the third-hand smoke off. The world is going stir-fry crazy. The residue of toxins must be minimal. It's just another thing for new parents to get PFB-ish over and use as a lever against unliked friends and relatives.

So, 3.

I'd go with 3, even before reading the junk science link posted by DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee

My mum smokes outside when she comes here, and TBH, it's only the vile smell that means I ask people to smoke outside.

The idea that handwashing, or changing clothes, etc will reduce any risk has no scientific basis. If it were true, there'd be such a massive epidemic of cancer by now that governments would be doing a million times more than they do at present to reduce any risk, including banning the sale of cigarettes.

Bad smell does not equal toxins. If this were the case I'd have no hesitation in banning the Stilton cheese DP likes!

OP at 5 months she is not really a newborn is she?

I don't think there is so much need to worry, although I totally understand where you are coming from.

Five month olds tend to sit up on laps( a bit) don't they?

With a newborn you almost have to cradle them , making them that bit closer to the smokers face etc...

1 - your child's health comes before her hurt feelings.

TBH the smell is enough of an issue. Who wants their baby stinking of fag smoke?