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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is stupid enough to send cash by post ?

161 replies

shaketheshame · 17/12/2011 14:35

My mil is. She sent 60 pounds by post and my dh lost it. He put it in his wallet and he must have lost it to the shop.

So I'm pissed off with Mil for sending £60 by post when she could have made a transfer and I'm pissed off with dh for losing it.

Now my shopping day is cancelled, the 60 pounds were a contribution to our ds's xmas gifts.

AIBU ?

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 18/12/2011 09:11

again, I now can see why it's the MIL's fault, she obviously didn't teach OP's DH to put money in a safe place once it has been recieved in the post, therefore he is incapable to doing so.

OP, you will just have to make up for your MIL's failings, sit DH down and tell him all about this amazing invention called a wallet. When he receives some cash from someone, he should take said money and put it in the wallet. Or your purse, possibly a better bet.

iscream · 18/12/2011 10:57

I send cash to relatives often. My dc have often received cash over the years. Once my son lost £20, but he didn't blame the person who was so kind as to send it to him for Christmas, as he knew it was his own fault.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 11:02

"lost it to the shop" was just missing a word... "going"....

startail · 18/12/2011 11:07

My mum gives the DDs cash, it's their fault if they loose it.
Not mum's for kindly giving them proper money.
I hate cheques because I hardly ever go near a open bank, but it's not the senders fault I had to turn the dinning room upside down looking for one.

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 12:33

Maybe yes she would have been better off with another DIL, I completely agree with you ! We are like chalk and cheese, plus we we are from different countries ! Different cultures, which doesn't help !

I could tell you my story, I'm pretty sure you'll find me unreasonnable (I can leave with that Smile)...As I have said I hold grudge, I can be qualified as bizarre/weird, I also think I can be very sensitive sometimes.

Anyway why I don't like my mil..

"THE"Grudge - When I had ds1, we agreed with pil that they could come and visit when we were settled. They were all ok with that. Ds arrived, the birth was traumatic,then I have stayed 5 days in hospital. I had no family as they were all in my country but I could cope with it. What I couldn't cope with, what Mil trying to come and see me at the hospital when we told them not to. She called dh everyday, and everyday dh put me under pressure to let them come. I was over tired, I had difficulties to breastfeed, I had a bladder problem (meaning everytime I stood up, I was weeing on myself, it was very humiliating)..Everyday I was arguing/crying with dh because he was like come shake, its my mum..bla bla..We then came back home and it was our first day out as a family of 3. They came early the day after, they say they will stay only an hour, they stayed a massive chunk of the day. They did fuck all to help, expected large amount of cup of tea, we had to pose for picture in different postures etc....

That is the main big grudge I have agaisnt her...that week, I decided that no I really didn't like my mil. I tried very hard to build bridge with her but no I simply don't like her. We reached a point in that I don't see her anymore, I take news from her, I wish her all the best but that's it. I don't bitch about her in front of the ds, they have a good relationship with her etc..

OP posts:
FairyOnTheXmasTreeMcFlouncer · 18/12/2011 12:48

Bloody hell, she wanted to see her new grandchild, and your Dh wasn't strong enough to say 'Shake really isn't well, mum, so it will have to wait a few days'?

What a bitch she sounds. Xmas Hmm

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 12:51

Did I call her a bitch ? No...Let's just forget about it..I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel/felt. Mumsnet is not a therapist :-)

Yes Dh shall have been strong. I was battling with pnd from day 1.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 18/12/2011 13:00

Again, both issues, aren't PIL, but DH issues. He didn't tell his parents they couldn't come, he basically forced you to agree with it. He put his parents desire to see their DGC above your need to recover. He didn't ask them to leave when you'd had enough.

And he lost the money.

you seem to be blaming the wrong person. She might be forceful, but your DH is the one who's let you down in both situations. Aportion blame where it lies.

Sparklingbaubles · 18/12/2011 13:00

I totally understand about the not wanting to see MIL in the state that you were, and your DH should have put his foot down. Making you pose for pictures is disgraceful and also staying so long.

So you don't like her. plus you don't have to. But for the sake of your Dh and the DC could you build some sort of understanding/relationship. It would make your Dh happy I'm sure.

I am a huge holder of grudges BTW so I do understand but you have to move forward. Life is too short.

LydiaWickham · 18/12/2011 13:06

Oh, and when I had DS I had similar pushy parents wanting to see DS when I was still in hospital and really not well - I told DH no, he said "OK." they didn't get in. That was that. He stood up for me.

It's understandable that you hold a grudge, but you're holding it at the wrong person, have you said to DH, "I was really upset that you made me see your parents when I was recovering and vunerable, I'm really hurt by that, why did you let me down? Why did you put what they wanted first?"

So many woman on MN think they have an MIL problem, when what they really have is a DH problem, a better behaved DH would solve the MIL issues in seconds.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 13:09

I think you completely missed what could have been the opportunity to have a MIL who could have become a big help to you.

Your own family was in another country, and your MIL probably thought that she could be there to help you and support you. After all, you married her son, and were giving birth to her grandchild. Having given birth herself, she may have been the best and nearest person to understand the problems you were having, but you shut her out.

If my DIL had treated me like I was some unwanted stranger, I wouldnt be sending you money in the post, I would be wishing my son had married a friendlier woman.

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 13:10

Don't worry I moved on from yesterday's issues, I know it was not her fault and that I was abu. I was just trying to explain why I don't like as in trying to give the bigger picture !

I sometimes talk to her on the phone but I never go to visit them, dh takes the kids there for week end.

You must I'm mean and you probably right but I can't help it. For exemple, if they were coming now for lunch, I'll be in a really anxious state.

Maybe it is for to do with my socials skills which are clearly shit ! I have friends who don't especially like their pil but are able to see them regurlarly and I wish I was able to do it with a light heart.

OP posts:
Sparklingbaubles · 18/12/2011 13:14

Oh shake I really understand about the anxious thing.

Could you maybe go to visit next time and just try? I don't think you are mean but it's a sad situation all round. Do the DC ask why you don't go? Can you see it from their point of view?

If you really don't think it's fixable then it's sad but if that's how you feel.

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 13:14

Mil was never a big help..she gives her opinion and she likes to interfer, she thinks she knows everything. She also have no patience with the kids. She had them few years ago (a rare time) and she told me she almost smaked one of the ds because she couldn't take it anymore at the end of the day ! They haven't been invited to stay since then Grin. Also, once I had a disagreement with dh in the front of her. She turned purple with anger because I was arguing with her precious son !

In 2005, I tried to have a heart to heart with her and explained how I felt but she couldn't understand ! At the end of the day, I polite when I see them which is the main thing !

OP posts:
Sparklingbaubles · 18/12/2011 13:16

Does DH have anything to say about it all or has he just accepted it?

MamaMaiasaura · 18/12/2011 13:19

YABU and Sad how angry your post sounds

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 13:20

Sparkling - yes the ds asked why I don't come and I explain that Mummy needs a break. If we go to visit them, it has to be a week end as they don't live near. They only have 2 rooms, theirs and the room where the ds sleep then dh and I, we have to sleep in their tiny office, where they have their computer and all their achives..etc..so one sleep in the floor and one on the single bed..see I guess it is not only mil and their ways as well..

I guess a lots of people feel like me but they are clever enough not let it get to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 13:21

awen, I'm not angry, I know it is quite sad !

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/12/2011 13:23

You sound like a loon

Original poster
shaketheshame · 18/12/2011 13:26

Really usual ? You know absolutely nothing about me, about my life and you insult me ? What if I was someone really depressed and really sad ? Do you think your post will help ?

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWitch · 18/12/2011 14:22

usual does have a point, even with the back story shake this is AIBU, don't post here if your looking for a consensus.

Sparklingbaubles · 18/12/2011 14:59

I think the original question about cash not being sent through the post has been answered, it's not a good idea.

shake if everyone with family issues is a loon then I am one too. Smile

FabbyChic · 18/12/2011 15:05

LAUGHING at the fact people never give out their bank details! Some are so ridiculous in their thinking. Your details are on cheques you send out!

NO one can do anything with your bank details alone

Sparklingbaubles · 18/12/2011 15:07

Yes Fabby on a cheque there is your sorting code, account number and your signature! Grin

KittyFane · 18/12/2011 15:11

OP, you really can't come on here complaining about something that clearly wasn't your MIL's fault and expect people to read your mind with regards to issues you have with her.
Just because she is not in your good books for many reasons doesn't entitle you to blame her for everything that goes wrong. :(