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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
Sookeh · 17/12/2011 01:26

I agree that she would have been assessed as per her ability and support in looking after her own children.

I know mental health trusts can differ in their quality of care etc but they were very thorough when it came to making sure I had an adequate support system in place to help me with my children.

Under no circumstances could I have hosted anyone else's though, but that was just my experience.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 01:26

*there

Thefearlessfreak · 17/12/2011 01:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

WilsonFrickett · 17/12/2011 01:26

At no point does the OP say she has been sectioned. Visiting hospital, even staying in, does not equal sectioning.

Also, at no point did I claim to be 'modern and accepting'. Because I'm not, actually. I'm ancient and judgey. See my pants for proof.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 01:29

Arf at 'too mental', you can't call people with a mental health problem 'mentals' or 'mentalists' princess!

Same as someone with a disability, you can't call them 'disableds', or gay people 'the gays'.

KateMiddlet0n · 17/12/2011 01:29

To make this really simple, if you don't know her well enough to know if she is well enough then you shouldn't send your dc. There is no way I would send my dc into a situation that we had no real knowledge of, mobile phone or not.

The decent thing to do would be to make an effort to get to know her so in the future you can make an informed decision.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

KateMiddlet0n · 17/12/2011 01:34

Oh good grief. What have I wondered into? It's like an episode of Love Thy Neighbour.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:36

I don't know if she was sectioned. I don't know how much care of her DC the trust knew she had since the DC lives with the father.

Fearlessfreak - I do not consider myself informed as I don't know the facts. I am openly saying here that I've made easier judgement calls on other sleepovers because I was not aware of any MH issues.

I think all parents make calls based in ignorance really. If we stopped to consider every possible outcome we'd never let them leave the house. But then they'd get rickets from lack of Vit D so we would let them leave the house. But only when it's not too sunny in case they burn. But with a jumper in case they get a chill. And of course with adult supervision, but being careful not to smother them so they can develop personalities etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:37

Get out now Kate while you still can!

OP posts:
cherrysodalover · 17/12/2011 01:55

Don,t. Not worth it to prove you are all pc.
My dh. MOther has manic depression he was brought up in chaos and even now we would not leave her gs with her.it is an Illness that can manifest it self in strange ways when it comes to caring for others we have found so just say no.

entropyglitter · 17/12/2011 02:07

hey this is actually more angsty than the thread I was on earlier and I did NOT think that was possible....

I agree with the concept that having a MH issue may stop you from being a good judge of your capabilities....I decided I would be okay to try and sleep in the room with my DD tonight and here I am two crying fits and a puke up later trying to chill out on MN.

Having said that I am just as bad at understanding my physical limitations..post birth (before PND drove me mad) I got stranded at sainsbury's because I thought I was just being a bit useless about not being able to walk very far...

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 02:09

Can I not say Paki either?

Good Q!

Ask the next asian person you meet and go with what they say :)

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 02:14

You're having crying fits/puking entropy?

How are you feeling now?

entropyglitter · 17/12/2011 02:16

Its getting slowly better...

I think sleep may be possible within an hour or so...of course thats around about and hour before DD will want feeding again...grrrr

This was a dumb idea..

why oh why oh why does trying to sleep in the room with her make me feel like this?

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 02:21

So not a virus or anything?

Are you saying trying to sleep in the same room as your DD caused a crying/being sick reaction?

iscream · 17/12/2011 02:22

I wouldn't allow it if I were you, since you do not really know how stable the mother is. There are 2 people in my family with mental health issues, and I would not allow (if I had a small child) my child to be in either of their care. To an outsider they may seem "ok", but as an "insider" I know they can change in the blink of an eye. One of them I used to trust with my child's life, at one time they were named in our will as who would take care of our dc if we died. But they are sick now, not their fault, but that is the plain truth.

entropyglitter · 17/12/2011 02:32

Oh yes it is solely down to MH, sorry I wasnt being clear. I had a panic, then a cry because I had panicked and then I puked and then I cried because I had puked. Now I am mostly calm although I just heard a stray moan from upstairs and came out in a sweat. Dont worry though as my DH is on the case with DD - she is excellently well looked after and all the better for no intervention from me.

I just finally thought I could do this seemingly simple thing (and god knows maybe even give my Dh a break) and apparently I was totally wrong (and now I have kept him awake for now visible success of any sort).

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 02:35

Don't give up entropy, sounds like you've got a right cracker with your DH Smile

missingmumxox · 17/12/2011 02:42

am I the only person thinking...?

entropyglitter · 17/12/2011 02:43

I do indeed...I think I will tell him that when I next see him! I probably dont tell him enough...

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 02:44

Thinking what missingmum?

entropyglitter · 17/12/2011 02:45

missing yup the rest of us are thinking ¿ instead...

iscream · 17/12/2011 02:51

Xmas Grin @ the rest of us are thinking ¿ instead...

missingmumxox · 17/12/2011 02:51

sorry not gone thro the whole thread just a couple of pages,I have been a Miss Marple but this doesn't add up? I am actually thinking of being a party popper and pressing troll alert, but I need to read properly before that. and if I am wrong many appleogies (sic) OP