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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:50

Ok then. You both win. I'm just a sad old bigot if I wouldn't let someone take my kids swimiing who was physically incapable of stopping them drowning.

(but at least I'm a sad old bigot whose kids will live to see their 18th birthday, and that's good enough for my conscience)

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:53

No - you're just taking an impossible situation and trying to apply it to something it doesn't apply to. Like me saying 'my uncle is blind so I wouldn't let him take my kids cliff walking even though he would say he was capable' and then saying that therefore you shouldn't let a woman who is clearly capable of caring for kids look after your child.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:55

'(but at least I'm a sad old bigot whose kids will live to see their 18th birthday, and that's good enough for my conscience)'

Implying that:

-I'm not a bigot

-I'm not old

-I'm not sad

-that my DDs will die before their 18th birthdays

-I have a lower standard of conscience

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:56
Hmm
thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:59

therefore you shouldn't let a woman who is clearly capable of caring for kids look after your child.

But actually the woman in both the OP and my hypothetical situation isn't clearly capable of looking after her/my child.

I genuinely don't understand why it's offensive to recognise that not everybody's abilities are the same.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:00

ummmmm....thanks for the help ladies....

Grin
OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

startail · 17/12/2011 01:04

11 is very borderline. I wouldn't trust my just about 11 Y6 DD not to be upset if she was unwell or to judge when to ring for help. An almost 12 Y7 having spent a term using public buses to get to school might be quite different.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 01:06

You saw me this morning princess?? Shock

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 01:06

If she has recently been an in-patient at hospital and has been allowed home she will have to have been declared fit to care for her child/children.
You never have 100% guarantee that your kids will be safe. Any time they stay at someone elses house you are passing their care over to people whose medical history you are likely unaware of.
Short of wrapping your kids in cotton wool there will always be risks.
I think the op not letting her child go on this sleepover would be a massive overreaction probably due to a bit of subconscious predjudice (that we can all be guilty of at times).

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 01:07

I did, and that thing you did in the shower was fecking nasty.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:08

I think actually, part of MY personal feelings about this have to do with my distrust of the MH assessments and care given after personal experiences over many years. I do see what you are saying about trusting her because she's been discharged. But ultimately, I do not fully trust the team which would have sent her home in the first place. So this point becomes a non starter for me sadly.

I think my only course of action here is to get to know her better if she is willing.

And to answer the person up thread who asked why I had her DC over when she didn't know me either, that has been down to the DC's father who also doesn't know me but doesn't see that as an issue. I'm not sure how he mothe feels about this as it's between them.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 17/12/2011 01:09

It is offensive to say 'I don't trust person A, therefore I won't trust person B. because they are, you know, a mental. Even though their physical competence is completely different than person A. And even though we weren't discussing physical competence in the first place. Because it's all an analogy. But hey, your kids will all die anyway so no worries.' Nice work princess.

Anyway. OP. It seems the consensus is you need to talk to the other mum?

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 01:09

I look better in the evening.

It's the dark soft light y'see Wink

Think you'll find lots of people find doing that in the shower acceptable

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 01:10

Princess how do you know she isnt capable?

You dont! How can you when you dont know her, her team, her SW, her HV...anything!

YOu are making assumptions and that is why I find what you have said to be offensive.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 01:11

OP, I agree that you do need to talk to her, perhaps to the point where you can be honest and say that you know she has had issues from what her DC said, but you dont really understand them, so could she explain?

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 01:13

Good point MP about the quality of care a person might receive on a psychiatric ward, notoriously shite and underfunded.

Very far removed from what you'd think you could expect from them.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:13

And the DC is formally in the care of the father so we don't know if the MH team will take this into account when judging her fit for discharge really.

And actually, that is what it is boiling down to for me, I simply do not know enough to make an informed judgement. I have let my DC stay at other peoples houses after meeting the parents on a few occasions and I admit that this is still as risky but it doesn't seem so does it? at the time?

OP posts:
RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 01:14

So every time your child wants to sleep over at someones house are you going to insist on reading through the medical files of everyone who lives there?
I would say that someone who is in the system and who recognises their symptoms and what they need to do is much less of a risk than someone undiagnosed for example.

Sookeh · 17/12/2011 01:20

As someone who suffers from manic depression/PND I can say YADNBU. If she has, as you say, only got out of hospital 2 weeks ago then she must surely be struggling with the children that she has.

2 weeks after getting out if hospital I could barely shower let alone host a sleepover.

Obviously, if she begins to recover and get better then that's a whole other story as I'd hate to be judged on my past breakdowns.

Another thing worth mentioning is, right before a manic episode I used to make plans and arrangements I knew were too much for me, almost as a way of sabotaging myself. It's difficult to explain but thought if worth mentioning.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 01:20

I don't know she isn't capable. But I don't know she is either. They don't section people for nowt.

I find it amusing that you think you're the ones being modern and accepting, but actually you're the ones making A Big Deal out of stuff.

In the perfect, liberal society we would all be accepted for what we are, and for what we are not. It's fine to be too metal to host a sleepover. It's a clinical illness. It's fine to not be the person to take kids swimming. It's a physical disability.

Take your judgey, hysterical pants out your arseholes and just be open to reality.

Thefearlessfreak · 17/12/2011 01:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 01:21

Too mental obv.

Tho playing too much Korn would also be wrong is some people's books.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 01:22

No RC? I'm not saying that. I'm saying (badly it seems!) That I'm obviously taking a risk when ever my DC goes for sleepovers.

I know I cannot protect against every potential problem. But equally, if you know there is a higher risk of something, in this case, some kind of upset/episode, it's something you have to consider and will feel a bigger risk then simply wondering about the unknown..

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 01:26

Who said she was sectioned? Many people in MH hospitals are their voluntarily. Again, assumptions.....

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