Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
thepeoplesprincess · 16/12/2011 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

neversaidnuffin · 16/12/2011 23:45

So within the last fortnight she has been a hospital being treated for (mental) health problems?
What if the admission had been for cancer treatment? Angina? Broken leg? Would you then be thinking that the treatment team might have prematurely discharged her? Or is it only for mental health reasons that people think once you've been in hospital you'll always be 'a risk'?
The woman has received treatment for an illness - well done her for getting appropriate treatment.
Her illness does not define her.
Like any illness - she can walk away from a hospital admission knowing she has been assessed as well/ able to be at home.
OP I'm not having a go at you at all, but even people who think they are super-understanding have a different attitude to mental illness than to physical illness.
The stigma remains.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:46

I'm going to suggest meeting up over the holidays for all of us but say no to the sleepover. We aren't really busy but this is our last 'free' weekend for a while so will make the most of that I think.

Thanks for not flaming me! I was scared of that...

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 16/12/2011 23:47

princess I'd have no problem with a paraplegic having my DS for a sleepover though Hmm Not really sure what your analogy means actually

thepeoplesprincess · 16/12/2011 23:51

Firstly, I said swimming and secondly, I'm sure you know exactly what my analogy meant.

HmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmm

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:51

neversaid - I agree with you about the stigma. Honestly, if she had just broken a leg etc I'd say no because of the added strain physically. So is it all that bad to say no because of the added mental stress right now? Is it all that different?

And having seen how the assessments go sometimes I could not 100% trust that she is coping fine solely on their basis tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:53

I think though, it is clear I need a more information and contact with the mother before we look at sleepovers down the line. I am happy to keep having them here in the meantime as usual.

OP posts:
3inABIRDsnest · 16/12/2011 23:54

neversaid, I think the difference is that people's disabilities / illnesses affect their lives in different ways. Actually, if friend had just come out of hospital with a broken leg (I'm thinking in plaster / on crutches) then I would wonder if a sleepover at their house was a good idea - for all sorts of reasons. And yes, if someone is recovering from such a recent mental illness which meant they were in hospital, I would question it in exactly the same way. Could they help my dc in an emergency? Would my dc feel safe and happy to ask them for help? Can they provide a safe environment for my dc?
Maybe the answer is yes in both cases, (leg / mental health) but it's ok to question it, and does not necessarily mean stigma. The person has recently been ill enough to be in hospital, for whatever reason, obviously has a lot on their plate and it is sensible for the OP to think it through. I get the impression from her that if the mum had been well for ages, she would not have batted an eyelid - so I don't think she considers her 'a risk' forever - she is just concerned that she has recently been unwell an wants to make sure she's up to the potential hassle, late night, and clearing up a sleepover involves!

neversaidnuffin · 16/12/2011 23:55

No, you are right, OP. I know you were asking for good reason.
One of those subjects I have to hold back from ranting/preaching, but on this occasion I have no reason. Sorry if I came across a bit judgey.

AgentZigzag · 16/12/2011 23:56

I'm all for not stigmatising or stereotyping anyone who has mental mental health problems, but you can't equate it with a broken leg neversaid.

Just on the 'measurable-ness' of it for a start, it's such an umbrella term that you can't know how it affects the person unless you know them.

Like it or not some people who have problems can behave irrationally or unpredictably, and would you risk your child being in the midst of a situation you wouldn't want to expose them to?

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 23:56

You say you are unable to pinpoint why, but you feel uncomfortable about it. That's fine. You don't have to pinpoint or make excuses. When it comes to your children, you are allowed to say no whether or not it seems unreasonable to anyone else.

Whether or not the mother has mental health problems doesn't need to be the issue, I would say the issue is feeling comfortable with where your dc is.

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 23:58

This is so hard because you have no knowledge of her really. You don't know how serious or minor her problems are or to the extent other services are involved. People are admitted to hospital when things are at their worst BUT they can be very bad/serious and still be at home. If you have any doubts then don't send him. I would take time to get to know the mum a bit more. She sounds like she is being open and honest and that is a big plus. Do you think you could have a conversation with her. Ask her to let you know on the day if she feels OK to have your son - if not they could sleep at yours.

WilsonFrickett · 17/12/2011 00:00

princess Let me rephrase. You might feel more comfy if you un-hoicked your judgey-pants. And I know you said swimming. But no-ones actually talking about swimming, are they?

Kladdkaka · 17/12/2011 00:03

This isn't easy, I find myself in 2 minds. On the one hand I completely understand your worries and would in all likelihood feel the same. On the other hand, I'm autistic with a lifetime of mental health struggles but it hasn't stopped me being a brownie/cub leader for 20+ years. I've had hundreds of children in my care for successful weekly meets, days out, camps/pack holidays etc. Perhaps because non of the parents knew?

So I'm parking myself on the fence.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:04

We don't need to be talking about the same exact thing.

That's kinda how an analogy works.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:07

Actually an analogy has to be similar enough to the facts to be understandable.

and yes, I would let a paraplegic woman take my children swimming on the basis that she wouldnt have offered if she didnt think she was able to do it!

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:07

not understandable, translatable.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:15

YABU imo. She is home so presumably considered safe to be around children as she has her own. The vast majority of people will suffer with their mental health within their lifetime so that is what is 'normal'.
She is obviously open about her problems, seeking help for them and has them under control.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:16

I would be happy for anyone I know who can safely take their own children swimming to take mine swimming.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:17

So you wouldnt trust a person with a functioning brain and a sense of self awareness about what they are and are not capable of?

Its people like you that wont give my son a job, because as soon as they find out he has Cerebal Palsy they assume he isnt capable of anything.

You have really pissed me off with this. How dare you say that you know better than a person with a chronic condition what they are capable of?!

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:18

What they HAVE, not what they are. Shit, that sounded awful, sorry Blush

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:19

done it again! What they HAVE and what they are and are not capable of.

Proof read, you dickhead Blush

oksonowwhat · 17/12/2011 00:19

What you don't actually realise is that we mix with people with serious mental health isssues every day but we just don't realise! These are the people who either realise they have problems but don't go for help, or the others that don't actually think there is anything they need help with, they live with the problems.

You don't know what her mental health issue is do you? It could be anything, from a low risk issue to something very high risk.

Also, she could actually just be out on leave from the hospital. There are so many questions if you go down this route. You have to do what you feel is best.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:20

Yawn. You're just trying to get offended now.

If someone isn't physically/mentally capable of something, then they're not capable of it.

It isn't discrimination and it most certainly isn't unreasonable when it's your child's welfare at stake.