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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
nothingoldcanstay · 17/12/2011 00:21

Let's not get all defensive. We know what the OP means FFS. Perhaps you should get to know the mother a bit. I have a younger child so he only sleeps over when I know who's looking after him. More because they do more chatting then sleeping. Why has her child been over lots and yet you don't know the mother? Next time ask her in for a cup of tea and see how she is.She might not like the idea of sleepover any more than you.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:22

Yes, I am trying to get offended, at someone who assumes they know better about a person capabilities than the person themselves.

I do that for ahobby! FFS...Hmm

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:22

I don't understand why you'd be so adament about it princess, someone who's paraplegic would know whether they could take on other peoples children or not.

But with a mental health problem the processes that tell a person whether they can manage something or not may be distorted, and are unseen.

How can you assess that?

And it's not necessarily about mental health either you assess everywhere your DC go, and it has to add up to make you feel comforable.

xyfactor · 17/12/2011 00:25

You made a call Op and it was your call to make hence it was the right one for you.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:26

But she is obviously capable of caring for children as she is caring for her own. She is also obviously not considered to be a risk to them or anyone else or she wouldn't be at home.
It is probably the only time you will ever have conclusive evidence that the parent hosting a sleepover your child is attending has been recently deemed fit to care for children by a professional!

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:26

One of my best friends is paraplegic following a motorbike crash. He would be the absolute very last person that I would ever trust to take my kids swimming.

He could swear til he was blue in the face that he was capable, and I'd still never trust him.

Basic common sense comes before political correctness.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:27

That reminds me of something my Grandad used to say ROman

He said "Why do people suddenly look scared when I tell them I have a certificate to prove I am sane?" :o

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:28

Even if he sorted support to help out if he couldn't personally manage it all princess?

neversaidnuffin · 17/12/2011 00:28

Agent, I understand what you are saying, but if someone has just been in hospital - and they have a child, that they take exclusive care of on weekends - then the hospital staff will have been SURE they are safe to live every aspect of their normal life before discharging them to do so.

Kladdkaka · 17/12/2011 00:30

This thread inspired me to look up paraplegic swimmers on youtube. There are loads of videos of amazing people swimming and scuba diving far better than I've ever been able to swim. They can take my kids anytime.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:32

Just because you know one untrustworty person doesnt mean you should tar every person with that condition with the same brush.

My son and my cousins son both have CP. On paper, it is the same condition. In reality, my cousins son has severe learning problems, will be in a wheel chair and nappies for the rest of his life, which will be alot shorter than most. My son has some difficulties with his left hand and leg. Thats it, he will live a normal life but occasionally needs a hand with things such as carrying heavy objects. By your logic, you wouldnt trust my son because you once met a person like my cousins son, and thats ridiculous.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:32

Recently out of any hospital for anything would say to me 'recovering' neversaid.

Recovering from a broken leg is different from recovering from an episode of recurring mental health problems.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:33

Last post was to Princess btw

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:33

Even if he sorted support to help out if he couldn't personally manage it all princess?

Most certainly not. My girls are 5 and 6 and can't swim a stroke between them and neither can he.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:35

Well given that he cant swim, he wouldnt offer to take them then would he?!

FFS, you are making yourself sound sillier my the minute princess :o

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:37

WTF? Where have I said he's untrustworthy? I'm just using him to illustrate the point that even if someone's says they're competent, that their word shouldn't be taken as guarantee if they're clearly not going to be physically capable of fulfilling their obligation.

thepeoplesprincess · 17/12/2011 00:38

I'm really not Bogeyface. You're the one that's started all this bullshit over a perfectly sensible comment I made ten years ago.

neversaidnuffin · 17/12/2011 00:39

Is it that different Agent?
If broken leg person had sole care of a child then part of their discherge plan would have been arranging OT assistance or checking on family support - no different for a mental health issue. Her discharge planning will have considered fitness to care for her child (and friend/s if this is 'normal' behaviour for her and her child).
Hospital treatment for an illness is hospital treatment for an illness.
Same rules apply about readiness for discharge and getting on with usual routine whether illness is physical or mental.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:40

Going by that logic princess you would never let your child sleep over at anyone's house.

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:42

You said that you wouldnt allow a paraplegic to take your child swimmimg.

then that person was your brother who's word you dont trust because he may be unaware of his limitations and implied that all people with long term health issues are the same

Then it turns out he cant swim anyway and it is therefore such an unlikely scenario as to be ridiculous!

It goes back to what I said about an analogy must be translatable, and this isnt. And yes, you are being offensive.

neversaidnuffin · 17/12/2011 00:43

ps Agent - I'm only directing at you cause we're kind of 'in conversation' - not cause I think you're saying anything particularly awful about this. I usually read and enjoy (and agree with) your posts.
I see this as discussion, not argument Smile

Bogeyface · 17/12/2011 00:44

Princess, semantics aside, it comes down to the fact that you think you know better than the person with the condition. And you dont.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:46

It's because you're basing your decision not to let your children go with the bloke because he's a paraplegic princess.

But you're not letting them go with him because you find him an untrustworthy person.

If I liked someone who happened to be paraplegic and they offered to take my DD swimming I'd jump at the chance, I wouldn't like someone I didn't trust.

It wouldn't matter if my DD could swim or not, even able bodied people need help with taking children swimming! So why not if they have a disability?

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 00:47

Any time you let your child sleep over at someones house you are taking it on trust that they are fit to care for your child. Often you won't know their history or who will be coming and going.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 00:50

Grin at neversaid, I'm like you and don't like to see people making assumptions about mental health, and connections that aren't necessarily there.

But when you throw your own DC into the mix I can imagine it'd create a bit of a conflict with feeling protective of them.

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