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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 02:58

Stand well away from me if you're thinking of being a party popper missingmum Grin

The OP hasn't made me think anything is going on troll wise, but even if she is, it's been an interesting thread.

iscream · 17/12/2011 03:01

Why missingmumxox? I am sure a lot of people would not want to send their child to a sleep over at a person whom they do not know well personally, who has a mental illness?

iscream · 17/12/2011 03:03

I wouldn't want my kid to sleep over anywhere, illness or not, if I didn't know the parents.

blueballoon79 · 17/12/2011 07:30

I wouldn't send my child either; and I'm saying this as someone who has been in a psychiatric hosital myself twice and I have 2 DC.
When I was discharged, I felt a lot of it had to do with there not being enough beds in the hospital. I didn't feel ready to leave and I didn't feel I could cope.
It took me a good few months after being released from hospital before I was well again. Being discharged from hospital doesn't mean that you're suddenly better, it just means you're well enough to function outside of a hospital.
I did everything for my children on auto pilot and was prone to crying fits, which were disturbing enough for my children who are used to it, never mind somebody elses child.
I think you might find op, that this woman may well be relieved if you decline the invitation. I know I would have been.
If I were you I'd get to know her better like other posters have suggested and when she tells you herself she feels well, then by all means let your child go, but personally I'd want to hear it from her that she was well enough.
Only she will know if she's capable yet or not.

sashh · 17/12/2011 07:33

What are you actually worried about?

1/4 of the population have MH issues, a lot of them teacvhers and people in the medical profession.

As a society we allow a teacher to care for 30 children with MH issues. We allow doctors to opperate with MH issues.

If she was diabetic would you have the same reaction?

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 07:38

She has only recently been discharged, I am a big defender of those with disabilities my son has ASD but you have genuine concerns. It is not as if they have to have a sleep over, it's completely optional. I was going to suggest having her child to yours but she won't want that if she only sees her at the weekends.

I am sure she is considered safe with her own but to take on two more when just discharged, to be honest I wouldn't let my children go. Though I would make an effort to get to know the Mum, ask to share a trip to the park or elsewhere, then when you have more information, you can make an informed choice.

The trouble here is you are trying to make a decision but you are going in blind, you don't know what the problem is or how well she is recovering. With too many unknowns, I'd have to say no but then make an effort to get to know her if she is open to that.

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 07:41

ssash to be fair to the OP she has only just been discharged. A school head or head of surgery or whatever would assess how well the teacher/doctor is before they return to work, just as they would with diabetes.

Here the mum can't assess her and isn't in possession of how severe or mild, how under control or otherwise, the ladies condition is at this moment in time. My son has had times when he has been totally unable to function and other times when he's fab. Who knows where this woman is at, right now.

sweetness86 · 17/12/2011 07:54

My father has schzoaffective disorder and has the same mannerisms you describe in this woman when he is in a bad patch. I know my dads history and hes not a danger to anyone but himself. In saying that he wouldn't be capable of caring for my kids but everyone with mental health problems is different and if she has just come out of hospital she has recovered well enough to be at home.
Patients in hospital are assessed often and she wouldn't be at home if she was deemed at risk to her son.

I personally wouldnt let my son stay at her house having been around my dad when he is with my two kids he gets agitated and stressed when they are loud etc so I know he would not cope not because he is a danger. It is a hard one but I wouldnt as she is still in recovery at the moment so soon after hospital admission.
Consider it in future lots of people have mental health problems and recover in the long term with no relapses so if she seems stable in future let your son stay .

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 08:50

Don't worry about being politically correct follow your instincts.

Jacanne · 17/12/2011 08:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable - they're your children and you have to feel completely comfortable with who is looking after them - if you don't then it's a no brainer really. Not going to a sleepover will not hurt them in anyway, you won't be stunting their emotional development. I agree with sitandnatter.

Serenitysutton · 17/12/2011 09:07

My BF growing up had an alcohoic mother (i mention this because we did not know she was an alcoholic until I was about 16- she was in and out of mental health hospitals as doctors tried to diagnose her problems. Obviously now I can look back and wonder if the MH problems caused the drinking or vice versa)
I stayed there a lot- we were left completely to our own devices. My poor
friend, her mum wouldn't have noticed if she'd stuck her head in the oven.

From that experience I'd say yanbu and go with your instinct.

MrsHankey · 17/12/2011 09:07

YANBU, I would say no.

Have MH history myself and yes, 1 in 4 people may have MH problems but I don't think that many are hospitalised (therefore quite severe).

mumeeee · 17/12/2011 09:38

She's been discharged from hospital
So the medics obviously think she's okay and they will also be keeping an eye on het. I think you should let your DC go but first meet up for coffee or something and talk to her.

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 09:43

mumeee The medics won't be keeping an eye on her while she has the children, there is a huge difference between being able to care for three children and not needing to be hospitalised.

I am on medication currently for panic attacks, my son has ASD so I am hugely sympathetic to the mother but why are people recommending this mother takes chances with her children when they don't know what this woman's illness or condition is nor how severe it currently is.

That truly baffles me.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 09:48

I wouldn't want my kid to sleep over anywhere, illness or not, if I didn't know the parents

I agree. Get to know her a bit more to reassure yourself.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 11:30

Well OP I would argue that the fact she has been hospitalised recently (possibly by her own choice) with mental health problems doesn't mean she is a greater risk to your child.
This is a raw subject for me. I have 'mental health history'. I also work unsupervised with children. I have been fully open about my history with my place of work. MH issues do not mean people are more likely to be a danger to kids (unless that is a specific issue and she would not have been sent home to look after hers if that was the case). Similarly a lack of mh problems doesn't mean that people are safe to be around kids.
Some people with mental health problems will bite off more than they can chew as will some people without. You always trust the judgement of the people you trust your children with. Even if they don't have mh history you trust them not to accidentally start a house fire, you trust that they aren't a sexual predator, you trust that they don't have people visit their house that are a risk to your child etc etc.
If you trust the woman then let your child go - if you don't know her well enough to trust her then that is the problem - not her medical history.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 11:38

I think that's the point though, the OP doesn't know the woman well enough to make any sort of decision. I think she's been fair about it by saying she will get to know her better.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 11:46

Absolutely. And if the title of the thread had been 'AIBU to say no to a sleepover because I don't know the parents' then I doubt the OP would have got any argument.
It's the insinuation that people with mental health problems are inherently a risk around kids that has got some peoples backs up I think.

eirikthered · 17/12/2011 12:15

I think it's pretty disgraceful to say that because she has mental health problems she's not fit to look after your child. How do you know that the parents of other children, who you happily send your child to stay with, don't also have mental health problems that they're better at concealing? Or, for that matter, aren't secretly watching child pornography, or snorting coke on the weekends, or drinking to excess? The point is you don't know what people might really be like behind closed doors. You always take a risk when you send your child to someone else's house. The fact that she is open about her difficulties and is seeking help should reassure you.

Frankly, I'm shocked that most of the posters seem to think that people with mental health problems are a danger to children. People with mental health problems are no more likely to harm someone than the general population. It's quite disgusting, actually.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 12:30

There is nothing in the OP's post that I find disgusting or disgraceful and I have had MH problems and have been in a psychiatric hospital. It's because I have first hand experience that I would be wary too especially as she woman has very recently been poorly and in hospital.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 12:30

And I would want to do exactly what the OP has said she will - get to know the woman better.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 12:32

Well said eirikthered! There is still a lot of ignorance around mh. I'm sure 25 years ago people would have been wary of sending a child to a sleepover if one of their parents had HIV. This thread shows a similar ignorance imo.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 12:33

There is no way there would be the same response if the op had recently been discharged with a physical complaint I don't care what anyone says.

toddlerama · 17/12/2011 13:22

But the nature of mh issues means that some illnesses manifest themselves in part by not being able to make that judgement call. A broken arm doesn't impede my judgement but manic depression might. They aren't comparable.

My mil is manic depressive and Dh had an absurd childhood. She is not allowed to be in some charge of our children. It is when she's most confident and exuberant that we suspect she has stopped taking her medication and the crash is coming.

toddlerama · 17/12/2011 13:24

Sorry, sole charge.