To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

[MaybeParanoid]

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

thisis

"wow!

and yet in the OP you say " don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground"

lot of rather odd mums in your playground if they all do stuff like that.
I really hate when people get told that yes, they are being unreasonable and then they decide to just add a whole lot more stuff in that they didn't feel necessary to put to start with, just to win the argument,"

I was trying to point out that although I had seen the mum shakey and uncomfortable etc, I had also witnessed her in control and seemingly 'normal'. I thought it was important to show that she does at times seem like her illness is stable.

It has nothing to do with trying to win an argument. I don't think this is an argument is it? I'm not asking for a right or wrong conclusion. I really have explained why I had posted. I have previously admitted I'm upset with myself for the way I was feeling. I get the impression you'd like me to simply stand up and admit I am a horribly judgemental ignorant mother and submit myself to be flogged accordingly.

I've said I was confused about my feelings being based in ignorance. If that is truly the case then I was willing to be educated. But that wasn't really enough it seems :(

I would personally never let my children be looked after by someone if I had any reasonable doubt about their ability to cope. If your gut instinct is telling you no, then do listen to it. Of course people with MH issues should never be demonised, she has an illness and is being treated for it, but it is still something potentially frightening and hurtful to a child. I know a couple of people whose mothers had severe mental illness and they themselves have chosen not to have children of their own because their childhoods were so horrendous.

There are lots of people affected by mental illness - so I'm sure ds has gone to play at someone's house who has depression, for instance (in fact I know he has, thinking about it). But I'm confident none of them are in that bad a way that they can't be trusted to keep children safe.

But there are people who are very ill and not stable or able to cope reliably. One of our oldest friends is bipolar - a lot better these days but I've seen him at his worst, and he was flipping dangerous. Would appear fine but then do something completely unreasonable and think it was funny - chuck beer bottles out of a first floor window to enjoy them smashing on the pavement, for instance. I wouldn't put ds in a position where he could be at risk, not looked after properly or plain scared.

Hi Maybe

Ive not read the whole thread, but I wanted to give you my viewpoint. My mother has suffered with mental health issues all my life. In fact, she was sectioned when I was eleven.

At no point during my life did she neglect me. She is more than capable and in fact she looks after my 3 mo DD. Just because she is ill it doesn't always mean she has lost the ability to look after and protect.

I understand that it's hard to weigh up if your children would be at risk, however if she was a danger then she wouldnt have them at the weekend. I doubt their father would agree to it either.

Perhaps when you first met her she was nervous, which would explain her behaviour. I know my mum hates social situations and it could of manifested itself through her reaction.

I do hope you let your DD stay over, I'm sure she will be fine

As peoples anecdotes have shown people with mental health problems (like everyone) are all different and some will be capable of caring adequately for children and some won't. The fact that the woman has (unspecified) mh history tells you nothing, good or bad, about her ability to look after children. You, quite rightly said that you need to get to know the woman better before entrusting your child to her. Which you would surely do regardless of the mh history of the parent so I can't really see how the womans mh is at all relevant or what the point of the thread was? Is it not normal to get to know ANY parent before you leave your child in their care?

MyDogAteMyMincePies what the court compelles you to do and what as a parent you think is right is often two very different things, their are many threads on here from mums netters who have dangerous exs but have been told by the court they must produce the child every weekend some real heartbreaking stories

Just because she is at the dad at the weekend means nothing the fact she lost custody of her child means much much more.

Unless she was not the primary carer in the first place which in its self tells me a lot its really would be very difficult for a primary carer to loose charge of their child

If she gave over the daughter knowing she couldn't cope says a lot again

If she gave over her daughter knowing he was struggling that tells me that she knows her limitations and is prepared to put her child first.

Good post RomanChristingle. This continuing prejudice against mh problems really gets on my wick. I have mh problems, can't even leave the house sometimes, but I'm more than capable of looking after kids.

Roman - I guess the point of the thread was to ask if I was unreasonable to feel more concerned about my childs safety given the MH issues.

I honestly just need some other opinions.

I obviously think before sending DC anywhere for a sleepover. I have always made the point of meeting the parents involved. But this time, I was aware of feeling more uneasy and wanted to know if I was wrong to.

As I said previously, I wasn't sure if I was being horribly prejudiced or right to exercise added caution.

I can see it's riled some people and touched some raw nerves but this was me exploring my own / feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry some people are having such a hard time trying to champion on behalf of MH issues.

Maypole, the ex could of also used her illness as a weapon, as you will know there are many mners who's ex's have used every tool possible to get there own way. It can work both ways.

It's not an issue of prejudice against people with mental health issues. My son was diagnosed at the age of 8 he's 14 now and I've been around children with mental health issues ever since in one way shape or another. I've met people with OCD, ASD, Bipolar, Tourettes, paranoai the list goes on and they have a huge huge huge place in my heart.

The reality is the OP doesn't know where this mother fits into the mental health spectrum and even if she did she doesnt know how high or low functioning the woman is. She knows that very recently the mother wasnt coping to the point of needing hospitalising.

If she were to ignore that she would be highly irresponsible. I know more than most how touchy this subject can be, how much prejudice we face but the OP isn't the one at fault here, she's not prejudice, just sensibly weighing up the risks for the sake of her children.

You don't know that of ANY person you leave your kids with though, do you, sitandnatter?

Really, people should be thinking about everyone they leave their kids with, not just the ones they think might be crazy.

I find that offensive, my son is not crazy people with mental health issues are not crazy. I never ever think of people with mental health issues in those terms.

My son is one of the smartest most logical people I know. However his OCD in particular means that sometimes he cannot cope with even being him, never mind being able to cope with caring for another person. He's not crazy, he has OCD and is autistic
.
If a person were to know that my son was in the heightened or severe stages of his OCD and then leave him with a child to care for, while he's never hurt another soul, he couldn't cope, it would be irresponsible.

The OP can only work with the information she has, if it were me, as you say, I don't know who she is therefore I wouldn't let my child stay there. If I then had to factor in the information that she had recently been discharged on MH grounds and I didn't know what those grounds were, it would be the same, no way my child would stay there.

The OP doesn't know what mental health condition the mother has, she knows she has a severe and debilitating mental health condition that required recent hospitalisation. Mental health isn't the same as physical, the results are not as immediate in my experience with my child. The improvements are not overnight but gradual.

Without more information the OP is wise not to let her child stay over but she is compassionate to want to get to know the mother better to establish an relationship with her where with more information that may well be possible in the future.

That's my point, sitandnatter. People with mh problems aren't crazy. If you read up, you'll see I have mh problems too.

Yellow for anyone to be advising the OP to ignore the fact that the "sleepover" mum has recently been discharged from hospital on MH grounds is highly irresponsible. We can be as compassionate as we like towards people with MH issues but as parents our priorities are always towards the safety and well being of our children.

The OP doesn't even know what diagnosis the "sleepover" mum has never mind what level of the spectrum she is on at this moment in time.

To make blanket statements as has happened on this thread that she should take a chance is ridiculous, she has to factor in the knowns and unknowns and make a decision based on that.

She doesn't know how well the "sleepover mum" is, right now the answer has to be no. She has said she is happy to get to know her better, I have no idea how she could be more reasonable and what else she could do to factor in the needs of her children and the wellbeing of "sleepover mum".

OP, I stated up thread that IMO, YANBU.

I have non-severe MH problems and history of severe MH problems.

I don't think MH problems = not able to look after children/cope, but two weeks after hospital is very recent.

My mother is bipolar and often hospitalised. My fil had heart surgery. Both were released from hospital when they were well enough to just about manage at home but neither was well enough to have overnight guests. Hospital discharge does not equal full recovery. If she has children, I would say she's safe to look after them and your dc would come to no harm. If be more worried about the impact in the mother who could do without the lack of sleep that often accompanies a sleepover.

This is silly in places. The OP doesn't know enough to take a chance on the health of this woman who is just out of hospital. It doesn't really matter if another parent whose house her children sleepover is covertly a greater threat, the OP has to work on the basis of the limited information she currently has. In the end of the day, the OP's prime concern and responsibility is and should be the health and wellbeing of her children, with the sleepover mum's health and wellbeing coming second to this. It is not discriminatory to people with MH problems to not want to take unnecessary risks with your children. I'm sure the mum is fine with her own kids but that's not really the point.

I never said she should let the children stay over, did I? I think I said she should get to know the mum better, as she would with any parent. Saying she should get to know her specifically because she has mental health problems IS discrimination, however much you might want it not to be.

I used to regularly stay with at least 2 families who worked with children, so no doubt my mum thought they were very responsible, but they used to give us vodka and beer, and not just a little bit either - as much as we wanted. They made no secret of this, so if my mum had dug around a bit, she would have known.

OP, why not have the mum over to your place first and discuss what the kids would be doing, how much supervision etc they'd have?

In that case I discriminate against people with MH issues yellow because I deliberately got to know other parents of children who had OCD. I fail to see how getting to know another mum would be classed as discrimination, if she were to be ignored and shunned because of her mental health issues, that would be discrimination.

Wanting to get to know her better to enable you to make a decision on whether a sleepover would be suitable or viable, is just plain old fashioned common sense, nothing to do with discrimination.

It's not relevant that you stayed with people who turned out to be untrustworthy, yellow. The OP knows some facts that suggest that her kids might be at risk as this parent is newly out of hospital. That's all that matters. Her responsibility is to her children, not to some outlandish idea of anti-discrimination where you make no judgement about anyone unless you have full facts but you don't try to find out the full facts in case you are discriminating. Nonsense.

May I say well said Working?

Who has said that the op shouldn't try to get to know the mum better though? I haven't read one poster who has said that. Only that you can't make the assumption that a child will be less safe if the mum has mh issues (the nature of which was revealed later in the thread but, I think, deleted). No-one has said you should assume they would be safe either.

How about an off the record chat with the school? The teacher may have some idea how the child's mother is getting on, even if officially, the school shouldn't really discuss it

There is a huge amount of ignorance and fear about mental health. Many people with mental health issues are no danger to anyone. Some of them may be a danger to themselves. I think a tiny percentage are a danger to other people, but it's blown hugely out of proportion