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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 16:27

Actually, that is a good point Gertie. The DC has said mum was in agreement but maybe it was that vague 'one-day/maybe dear' way that the sometimes hear as a certain yes?

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 16:29

I would have my concerns but there is a possibility i would let my child sleep over. On strict condition my child would call me to ask to pick her up if she/he was uncomfortable. It might help the Mum's recovery to know she is being trusted. Might even been suggested by mental health professionals...

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 16:31

I think a lot of people have the same conflict of feelings as you MaybeParanoid and that you've been quite honest about that. I wish people were better informed about MH issues and therefore less afraid of them. As I said, I never mention my history to anyone because from experience, it taints how they perceive me, even if they don't mean to.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:37

To be honest I don't trust any one with my children who have lost custody of theirs due to metal health issues meaning she was unable to care for her

Also how dose everyone know she was not sectioned to be honest i would be saying a round no its one thing to care for two children when you very well may have been taken sectioned because you were so ill

I would not take any comfort that she is on meds if they were any good she wouldn't be in and out would she oh is a nurse and has said it can take years for them to get the right balance of drugs and the fact she dose not have custody says she dose not have her illness under control

This may be unpopular but it takes some doing for the primary carer of a child to loose custody the courts who were in full knowledge of the facts only deemed her able to cope for a weekend

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 16:38

Rhonda
Not sure about that. The impression that I have from a cousin whose wife has suffered from MH issues for the past 30 years, is that there was little or no support when she got out of hospital. That is in UK. I can imagine that there are likely regional differences in standard of care.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 16:42

Maypole
You have made major major assumptions in your frankly ridiculous post.

  1. that she was sectioned
  1. that she lost custody

You have no idea if that was the case.

My SIL has been sectioned but I would trust her with my children, and have done many times.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:42

The issue is not that this lady has MH issues its thats she has just been released from a hospital

If someone told me 10 years ago they used to be on drugs its a different proposition to someone who has just step foot out of rehab last week to be fair

We don't even know what wrong with her like I said its hardly minor for her to loose custody of her child

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2011 16:42

I agree with hardgoing having seen the woeful lack of support for my exSIL at times. It was really frustrating because if the support had been there, earlier intervention might have stopped things reaching crisis point (i.e. SIL being sectioned) as it seemed to take her a bit longer to recover after each crisis. It felt at times that the lack of support was making her condition worse than it should have been.

(The recent reports about unecessary deaths due to diabetes suggests this is the case for physical illnesses as well.)

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:46

MmeLindor you never read post propley I said we don't know why she was in hospital she COULD have been sectioned may be in your world it's the same as saying she HAS been sectioned

Unless she allowed the girl to live with the dad which would infer she knew she couldn't cope

I glad you feel safe with your sil but you forget one thing you KNOW her the op dose not know this lady they are not even distant friends

And she has only recently been released/left hospital

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 16:48

I would imagine that the children are with their father as he is a more stable home if the mum has been in hospital. Not because she is incapable of looking after her children mon-friday but they are magically safe with her at the weekend. The op is talking about sending her child for one night not sending her to live there.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 16:49

Maypole
You wrote:

Also how dose everyone know she was not sectioned to be honest i would be saying a round no its one thing to care for two children when you very well may have been taken sectioned because you were so ill

How does everyone know she was not sectioned? Well we don't but you have made the assumption that she might have been.

Tbh, your posts are difficult to understand. Use punctuation and we might actually understand what you are talking about.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:52

ChazsBrilliantAttitude the only thing op wants to know is wether she should let her child sleepover someones home whom she dose not know very,well who has recently been realised/left a hospital
Whom dose not have custody of their own child wether her admitting she couldn't cope or by a judge making that call

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 16:52

Also if the mum has relinquished custody that would suggest to me very much someone who knows the limits of what they can cope with. I'll say it again - we can only speculate because the information the op has about the woman tells her absolutely NOTHING about her ability or lack of to look after children.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:54

MmeLindor punctuation or not I did not write any were she had been sectioned

Also my post are so hard to read but still you mange to comment :)

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 16:54

oh, FFS Maypole.

Get spell check and find your punctuation keys or accept that people are not going to read your posts.

I am not one to comment on spelling normally but I cannot understand what you are saying and am not wasting my time trying to decipher your writing.

LeQueen · 17/12/2011 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 16:54

XP
not anymore, I am not.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:56

I think the wise thing to do is get to know the women a bit more tell your child maybe next time also I would maybe ask if you can speak to the girls dad he may have a better idea of if she well enough for hosting sleep overs

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2011 16:58

maypole1 - I don't understand your post addressed to me. I was responding to an ongoing theme on thread around how much support people with MH issues actually get to allow them to cope.

Have you actually read the whole of the thread?

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 16:59

MmeLindor well stop commenting then No ones stopping you.Wink

SardineQueen · 17/12/2011 17:12

What exactly are you scared will happen?

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 17:16

Can we lay off the spelling police please we don't know why someone is struggling with spelling, punctuation etc. it doesn't invalidate their views.

I can understand what they're saying.

sitandnatter · 17/12/2011 17:19

sardine who knows? Hell there are times I don't think I can cope and apart from anxiety I'm "normal".

We don't know what this lady suffers from so therefore it would be a very unwise parent who would take the chance.

A wise and compassionate parent would take the time to find out about the lady and what her issues are if, of course, she has the time and the lady actually welcomes the new friendship

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 17:20

I don't know how some people can live with letting their kids out alone. There are many people with mental health issues walking the streets.
No-one has actually said what they fear happening to an 11 year old in this situation?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 17:20

Maybe - YANBU to want to get to know her better before agreeing to a sleep over.

I can see why you feel bad about saying 'No', but you have to do what is right for you.

As they are 11, I probably would have called her to check she knew about it and was OK with it 'you know what kids are like inviting all and sundry before asking' and giving her plenty of room for an out if she didn't want to do it. However, if you don't feel your 11 yo would be happy to call you if anything was untoward then I can see why you are reluctant until you know her better