To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

[MaybeParanoid]

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

Do you have any reason to believe that the woman is unable to judge for herself what is too much.

Agent some people without mental health issues are violent and unpredictable. Is that basis for me to never let my child go anywhere?

If there was a risk she wasnt able to look after her own children properly, especially as she was hospitalised, social work will be involved (probably are anyway) and they wouldnt be staying there.

Im not saying that you should let your child go btw. And not all of what I have said has actually been to you, maybe, I understand where you are coming from, and your first responsibility is to the safety of your child.

There are some rather - uninformed lets say - views on this thread though.

Not uninformed rhonda, just a different opinion.

rhonda the OP said the father is responsible for / has care of the children so social services intervention wouldn't be necessary. My understanding from the posts is that the mum has the children on weekends so most of the time they are not staying there.

They wouldn't be allowed to stay for the weekends if they were at risk.

Roman - I do feel I have reason given what her DC had confided in me about certain aspects of previous breakdowns yes. It's part of the very nature of her illness to make elaborate plans and take calculated risks if past experiences are anything to go by.

Roman is right.

Sorry zigzag but there DEFINITELY have been some uninformed comments on this thread.

uncalculated sorry.

Your instincts have said no. Listen to them.

Rhonda
My SIL was unable to look after her children properly and they were at home with her. Thankfully the family were there most of the time once we realised how bad it was.

I am not saying this is the norm, but it happens. And that was in Germany where the medical provision for those with MH problems is generally better.

The very reason I am here is to help me decide if I was being U in taking the MH issues into account when deciding about the sleepover. I am here to judge my own response really.

I'm sorry this is being missed in my posts. It's not about making sweeping generalisations about MH issues.

You could equally say the posters saying 'YABU' are being naive and unrealistic about the nature of mental health problems and applying that stereotype to all people who have them rhonda.

There have been uninformed comments here Yes. But equally, there have been informed ones being overlooked because they are saying I am right to worry.

I wouldn't be remotely worried about my child being harmed, I'd be more worried the mum might harm herself, or do something inadvisable, or not be able to care for the children and the responsibility of making judgements about what to do might fall on the children. If another adult were there, it would be much easier- it would them being on their own I wouldn't like.

Roman I don't think the fact that their own child is there makes it any less the responsibility of a parent to keep her own child out of the way if the OP is nervous about her staying over. Social services is over-run, I know personally of children staying with alcoholic parents as they are 'not at risk' but I wouldn't send my own child round for a sleepover. I would make my own judgement about the perceived risk rather than assume it has been thoroughly assessed by any external service (who in my experience offer very piecemeal care in the community).

You can't compare people with an addiction to people who have MH issues which are being monitored....

I think she's using her own experiences of the social care system to illustrate her point. Not comparing the two.

And I said it upthread but sorry, given my own informed personal experiences, I do not give the fact she's been discharged or has personal care for her child any weight with this issue as the system is floored imo.

Mme I respect your experience and I realise that things do not always work the way they are supposed to. But here, when she was released from hospital, there should have been an assessment of her ability to care for the children and they would not be allowed to be there at weekends if there was any supposed risk.

Thats irrelevant to the OP as it happens though; and I have not said anyone is BU or NBU; just that some posts have been uninformed. I believe i said earlier I am currently doing work around MH and I am saddened at how much stigma and misunderstanding there still is, even among those who think they know about it.

On the other hand, one of the symptoms of some MH problems can be not realising how unwell you are and what you are able to cope with (or not cope with).

Actually classing it all under MH is a bit like lumping all headaches in together,the range of causes and experiences are massive.

*MaybeParanoid" This is your "Mother's Instinct" kicking in. It's a powerful sort of radar and you would be wise to listen to it.
The Mum in question is probably a lovely person but she has had ill-health. Your concern is for your child's safety but you don't want to hurt her feelings so try to give a reason/excuse why your child cannot go to sleepover.

Of course, I wasn't comparing alcoholism and MH issues, but as RhondaJean says, MH issues are so wide and varied, it doesn't make sense to lump them altogether either.

I was making the point that I would not assume SS or mental health teams are intimately involved with the day to day lives of this lady and her child, they may or may not be (I have found in this chaotic system, often not, and that care often only occurs when a crisis occurs). I would not be outsourcing the decision about whether you want to send your children overnight to someone's house, it's a personal decision and sometimes it is your instinct that it is not ok. I suspect here that the OP's instinct that it is not ok conflicts with her desire to be supportive and make sure she is not being prejudiced, others seem to think her posting means the exact opposite.

Mother's instinct is not the same as an instilled prejudice (which feels equally strong)

There SHOULD have rhonda. But it doesn't always happen that way and this is something I know for certain and have seen on more then one occasion.

The DC stays with the father. The safety of the DC has been assessed as such. I do know that often the mother stays over at the fathers house for visits so I'm unsure if this is the 'official' arrangement as far as the MH team are concerned.

Regardless of this, my next step is to get to know the mother better and make a much more informed decision regarding sleepovers. I hope people can see I am in NO way discounting the idea purely on the basis that she has MH issues.

I think hardgoing is right for what its worth.

I agree hardgoing

And trying to discern the two is exactly why I started the thread perception

thisis - did you note that the invite came from the DC, and has not as yet been confirmed that the mum is aware her DC has invited the other child?

Sorry, I am being a bit slow at replying. It is apparently vital that DS uses my back as some sort of car runway as I type. The resulting traffic congestion at the base of my chair is proving difficult to clear :o