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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:11

agent, not at all.

but it seems to me one of those posts where the people saying "yanbu" (in this instance) are the ones who actually have no personal experience of it. and no matter how many people who have actually BTDT come and say the opposite is true they will not accept that they could possibly be wrong

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:13

it's kind of like the few arguments i've seen on here about nut bans in school.

you get all these people saying "well, if i had a child with a nut allergy i'd want them banned, it's really important"

and then all the people who DO have kids with allergies come on and say "no, really it's a bad idea, we don't want nut bans"

but that's ignored. cos other people know better, despite having no experience of it

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 15:13

That's not the case at all this plenty have first hand experience and have said so, and still think the OP should get to know the woman first.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:15

i don't think anyone disagrees that she should get to know her a bit better, just like you would with anyone who was going to be looking after your children.
but that wasn't what she asked was it?

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 15:17

I few people have said they think the op is yanbu because they/a relative wouldn't have been up to a sleepover after coming out of hospital so they assume the woman in the op will be the same because of course all people with mh problems think and behave in the exact same way Hmm

lovetomatoes · 17/12/2011 15:19

Good that you realise the "darting eyes and shakey hands" are not symtoms of mental illness. These are side-effects from medication, which may be strongest when a patient starts taking a new drug. if you took the same drug your hands would shake as well and you would find it difficult to hold some-one's gaze. it wouldn't indicate that you were irresponsible or not to be trusted with children.

Agree with other posters. it's one thing to trust your instinct and another to be sure that it's your instinct talking and not prejudices that you've picked up. if you don't let your dc go are you using "i trusted my instincts and they told me this woman was a bit mental " as an excuse. the media has a lot to answer for how it portrays those unlucky enough to suffer with mental illness.

do you believe this individual to be a danger to your child? are you agreeing with posters who will not let their dc's be in the company of anyone diagnosed with a mental illness in case that person "has a breakdown" (i suspect here they mean go completely loop-the-loop as the mentally ill do at the drop of a hat Hmm )

ask yourself what it is exactly that you're afraid will happen. then question how rational those fears are. whichever option you choose has its cons. agree and yes, you probably will worry more than usual. refuse and ask if you're complicit in society's ostracisation of those who have been given a psychiatric diagnosis.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 15:20

No Roman they have said that because they have first hand experience of relatives being in hospital they know exactly that it can vary from day to day and person to person and severity of the MH illness - and I'll say it once again- THAT is why the OP is going to get to know the mother better.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 15:20

The op has posted that that she has reason to believe there would be an above average risk to her child due to the mums mh history - that is bollocks. Not one person has disagreed that she should get to know the mum before she lets her child stay there. I would have thought that was just common sense but maybe I have poor judgement what with me being mental and all Grin

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 15:22

roman welcome to the club, I have been as mental as they get in the past, and many months in hospital - I still think the OP is NBU.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 15:22

No RC, they're not saying they think all people with MH problems behave in exactly the same way, they're using their relatives as examples that not all MH problems are benign.

Not all people with mental health problems are unpredictable or violent, just as not all are calm and in control.

But how would you determine that in someone you don't know if you have the knowledge they have problems?

Or are you arguing you'd let your own children stay with her just to prove a point?

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:26

But the point in AZ, is that people with MH problems are no more likely to be violent than anyone else - and on that basis shouldn't be suspected of it any more than anyone else.

rhondajean · 17/12/2011 15:26

One in four of us will have a mental health problem. I wouldnt be comfortable with DD1 at the same age staying anywhere where I didnt know the parent quite well. Ive been thinking about it and thats what bothers me. I know I may be a bit over protective but the MH issue would not be the reason I wouldnt let DD go - it would be not knowing the mum well enough. And if I did know her well enough, Id be phoning to ask if she was sure she was up to it (I know 11 year olds can also pressurise you into things you dont really want if you are feeling a bit vulnerable). I would do that with anyone who had recently been ill in any way.

Most people with a MH issue are not a risk to anyone. Its a shame the one or two who are delusional and injure someone through it get all the headlines.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 15:26

Exactly my point. The issue is that she doesn't know the mum. Saying that the presence of mh problems (whe problems we have no idea) means her child would be at an above average risk is untrue and offensive and only adds to the stigma people with mh issues face.

rhondajean · 17/12/2011 15:28

Agreed Chris.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 15:32

No more likely to be violent than anyone else perceptionreality, and actually more likely to be a victim of violence and deprivation.

But the fact that some mental health illnesses do have unpredictable and sometimes frightening symptoms which even the health professionals struggle to deal with and understand, will inevitably lead to concern for some.

That's nothing like being judgemental.

Foxinsocks · 17/12/2011 15:37

God what an awful thread

My mum was hospitalised many times with manic depression and we never had people round (nobody would ever say yes so we stopped asking).

Mentally ill people AND their families are not lepers!

And why penalise the child? 11 year olds are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet!

Anyway I'm sure that child, like I did, will soon work out the way the world works (if she/he hasn't already) and the way other people will judge their family.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 15:37

There's been a lot to read through so bear with me.

The first point I'd like to clarify is that at NO point have I felt this mum might harm my DC. I do not feel that she has a MH issue so therefore must be violent. That isn't how I've approached this thread at all.

The reason I asked this question is because I was wanting to get some other views on what I was feeling.

I have been open and have acknowledged that I am unhappy that I've jumped to assumptions that my DC might be at a greater rick here.

I have stated that of course, there is just as much risk posed to any child at any other persons house. MH issues or not.

I am concerned that the mother is taking on too much responsibility. I feel this is a valid concern as I do not hold the facts of her the illness or treatment. I honestly believe I'd feel this way if she was just having a routine surgery too. Recovery is recovery as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 15:39

Violence never actually crossed my mind.

The second time that SIL was admitted to hospital (that time voluntarily) she had a baby of about 6 or 8 mths. When I went up with MIL to check on her, my nephew was lying in his cot, very lightly dressed and all the windows were open. She was not a danger to him as such, but obviously not capable of looking after him properly.

That would have been scary, even for an 11 yo. It is too much to put on a child.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2011 15:39

I am not sure I understand why there is a focus on violence. The main risk with my exSIL was if she was very heavily medicated post a hospital visit that she would want / need to sleep most of the day. Unless she was likely to spontaneously combust she wasn't an active danger to the children but I wouldn't be comfortable with a sleepover where the only adult would sleep for most of the time my child was there, not prepare any food, not supervise what the children were doing at all.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 15:39

Roman - I didn't say I had reason to believe there was higher risks due to MH. I said I was shocked I felt that way with NO reasoning behind it.

I am trying to be educate on my own response here. I am admitting it was wrong.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:40

so you don't think that she is capable of deciding whether or not she is up to doing it?

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:40

The key word is 'frightening'. People are frightened of what they don't understand. But that doesn't justify the assumption that the op's child is more at risk with this person than at anyone else's house. What exactly is the concern? What do people think could happen?

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:42

I would not have invited children for sleepovers when I was ill, I wouldn't have been able to organise it.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:42

"I am concerned that the mother is taking on too much responsibility. I feel this is a valid concern as I do not hold the facts of her the illness or treatment"

you don't need to hold the facts of her illness or treatment. because knowing those thinngs still does not tell you how she feels right now or how capable (or not) she is of taking care of children,

so you either need to accept that your kids are no more at risk at her house than anywhere else.
or you need to say no, i don't know you well enough

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 15:43

yy Chaz. That was my SIL too.

I don't know, TIS. I only have my SIL (and other friends/relatives) experience to go on. Have never been in the situation myself.

SIL ordered a new car when she was ill, and then when the depression hit she was barely able to get out of bed and get dressed.

The girl may well be used to doing things independently and has done the inviting rather than the mum, if you see what I mean.