Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
MaybeParanoid · 17/12/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SardineQueen · 17/12/2011 17:21

If you suffer from anxiety then you have mental health issues.

Maybe people shouldn't take a chance on being around you.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/12/2011 17:22

Maypole in Birmingham? :)

LeQueen · 17/12/2011 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 17:29

Sitandnatter
I wouldn't normally but I had this discussion yesterday with maypole and she blamed her iPad. I have an iPad and manage to post coherently so it irked me that I had to reread her posts several times before I understood them.

Btw, maypole. When you hit the space key twice in quick succession, the iPad makes a full stop.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 17:33

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights I agree with op children are not equipped to know whats wrong and right

The lady might allow the girls to do something they think is very fun but actually very harmful so she would not nessarily ring home

Eg, read plenty of threads were people have sent their kids for sleep overs and the parents had given their children alcohol the children assumed because it was given by a adult it wasn't much of a issue

Or a lady whom allowed her daughter go to a sleep over the friends mum went out to a part leaving them with a unknown male and the ops child didn't feel able to ask to go home

Personally my view is if your not 100% then don't do it better to be called a judge pants than be filled with regret

Many of the posts I have read on sleep overs had doubts but ignored them then regretted later

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 17:34

MmeLindor - find me on twitter @mmelindor still commenting I see Wink

Sitandnatter did point out to mmelindor it was a combination of bad spelling and I pad

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 18:32

Nice bit of drip feeding about the erratic behaviour op. Lets hope the mum doesn't use mumsnet.

SardineQueen · 17/12/2011 19:02

hahaha yes roman

OP

"Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why."

Um maybe the long list of quite extreme behaviour you revealed later on?

SardineQueen · 17/12/2011 19:04

Personally I think that so many people have / have had periods in their life when their mental health hasn't been tip top that I would say it was OK for an 11yo to go unless I had a really really good reason not to. Someone who has done stuff in the past and is now being treated wouldn't be an automatic no for me.

thebigkahuna · 17/12/2011 19:12

I don't think YABU, personally.

My brother has bipolar and hasn't had a manic episode for quite a few years (thank god) but, wowsers, the ones I've been there to experience have been quite something.

He was in an absolute fantasy world during the ones I saw. My brother is a very sweet, gentle guy, and I he would never have hurt anybody but he was absolutely not capable of being responsible for anybody during his episodes, and that includes himself. I had him sectioned once during one which was easy to do as it was quite clear he was in no fit state to be responsible for himself.

If she's recently been in hospital then, going on my experience alone, I would say that it's likely she could still be a bit volatile.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 19:14

wow!

and yet in the OP you say " don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground"

lot of rather odd mums in your playground if they all do stuff like that.
I really hate when people get told that yes, they are being unreasonable and then they decide to just add a whole lot more stuff in that they didn't feel necessary to put to start with, just to win the argument,

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 19:14

do we even know that the poor woman has bipolar??

thebigkahuna · 17/12/2011 19:16

Sorry thisisyesterday, you're right, OP doesn't actually know for sure that that's what it is.

FabbyChic · 17/12/2011 19:24

I have what could be classed as a serious mental illness I have Borderline Personailty Disorder, however I am high functioning and if you met me you would never know it, it only manifests itself and causes me problems in relationships.

I have had anxiety problems in the past plus severe depression, however I have never been a danger to children and have never in front of children behaved what you might call inappropriately.

Sometimes when you are depressed really bad you want to die so much so that a stay in hospital is better than being at home, in hospital they can manage your medication and get it right, once on medication you are as normal as the next person.

I feel this poor parent is being judged for previously being ill.

I've had 11 year old boys and never met the mothers, but I trusted my childs instincts and their knowing what is right and what isn't when allowing them on sleepovers. They have mobiles they aren't stupid.

This child is 11 not 8, they go to senior school for gods sake.

I'd have let him go.

Hardgoing · 17/12/2011 19:30

RomanChristingle I said exactly what I feared happening in this situation, which is that the children have to make a judgement call about the behaviour of the adult as there is no other adult around to do so, and there is a history (very recent, just out of hospital history) of mental illness including quite poor judgement.

I don't think it's remotely precious to want to shield your children from that, although if you knew the mum well and knew more about her current health, you may well not have those fears.

OP, I think I would remove your last post as it contains quite identifiable details, it's already identifiable enough posting about the living arrangements etc.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 19:36

So the WORST that would happen is that presumably the daughter would have to call her dad or use whatever contingency plan they have in place which would happen if any single parent became ill.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 20:26

Why are you classing the thread as a win or lose situation thisis?

It's a discussion about what diffferent people feel about mental health problems, nobody's right or wrong.

If that's the case I'm right and wrong because I feel strongly about both 'sides'.

BurningBridges · 17/12/2011 23:15

Years ago I had a bad experience with trusting someone to take care of my child and they didn't.

Its taken me a while to get over it (thankfully DD1 was too young to remember) and I do let my DDs go on sleepovers, but only with people I am 100% about, and I don't care who feels uncomfortable, embarrassed, judged, or whatever. If I feel I need to try really hard not to hurt the feelings of the mother/child asking, I say "years ago, I had a bad experience and its made me nervous. I know that you will understand and on this occasion, I am going to say no" or (and you can use this one) "you know, I am a really nervous person about sleepovers its just a problem I have, so I will say no this time but perhaps we could have lunch instead". Or leave out the bit about lunch, whatever.

My DD1's best friend is never allowed to stay here, I've discussed it with her mum and she just says no thanks its not my thing. End of story, we're still friends, everyone has different opinions. I'd draw a line under this now.

yellowraincoat · 17/12/2011 23:19

Maybe instead of judging this woman, you could try to help her out a bit? She's obviously having a tough time of it.

Do you really want your children growing up with the prejudice that people with mh problems are all crazy wackjobs?

allohora · 17/12/2011 23:37

I was about to agree with you depending on DC's age. Then I remembered one of my best friends' mums had terrible problems. She was a lovely lady, just a chemical imbalance meant she wasn't set up to cope with daily life like the rest of us can. I had many happy times there as she was very relaxed with us (we were young teens). The only person she was a danger to was herself. I guess you should find out a bit more about the situation before saying no for sure. Is there a dad around? My friend's mum was on her own as well which didn't help. But my parents never questioned my own safety.

allohora · 17/12/2011 23:38

Actually - to correct myself - I was 11 when I started spending time there so same as your DC.

working9while5 · 17/12/2011 23:43

There are a lot of severe mental health problems in my family and many of the extreme behaviours you have mentioned I have witnessed first hand. This is quite significant mental illness and if you knew a lot more about this woman and how it is being managed, perhaps it would be U to say no. But you seem to know very little yet have enough information to suggest there is a potential danger at times. I wouldn't let my child go into a situation like that so YANBU.

iscream · 18/12/2011 11:14

The 2 people I know with mental illnesses, that I wouldn't have in charge of children, would not actually do physical harm to a child. But they can act in a manner that would scare a child. I have a different friend with a depression & anxiety type illness that I would trust with a child. It all depends on the situation.

Original poster
MaybeParanoid · 18/12/2011 19:21

I have reported my last post and agree it was tmi. I know the parents don't have the internet but it is still identifiable :(

Roman - I was not drip feeding. These things happened two years ago and I was trying to share relevant recent information in my OP. I was not wanting to colour peoples answers based on Very Past events. The severity of which hasn't been matched recently. I understand that MH issues are oten a sliding scale between mild and severe and don't feel she is at that sever end at the moment.

Sardine asked me exactly what I was afraid of and I answered her. I was afraid of erratic behaviour. I felt I had to back that up as there has been so much about people not having Real reasoning behind their comments but I accept I should not have posted it.

OP posts: