to think it would be acceptable to do this?

[foldergirl]

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

This seems a silly question to ask. The FIL has stipulated that the elder BILs have to purchase a house worth significantly more than £400k because although FIL is very generous he wants to make sure his children also have a good incentive to work (ie paying the mortgage). Seems like a good plan, and given the poor work ethic of the OP's dh obviously needed.

So no, do not ask FIL as he will almost certainly will say no, and think even less of you and his son than he probably does now. Attempting to force your dad to sell up is just deeply immoral, and won't achieve your objective in any case as your FIL wants his son to be working.

It can be hard to have rich parents (I know this sounds daft). My parents are far more wealthy than I will ever be and it is a big temptation to think that whenever we get in trouble they will be there for us. Standing on your own two feet is really important for your own self esteem, and money you don't earn is a hell of a lot easier to fritter away, so don't assume that their generosity will bring you happiness.

Your DH's father must be appalled at the lazy entitled behaviour of the two of you.

You are looking after your father at the moment but when this is not the case you should get a job. And your DH should not give up his job until he has landed a better job.

If one of my DCs was behaving like this I would stop the handouts as I would know I was enabling the behaviour.

We all see the newspaper stories of rich kids who end up in re-hab or worse as they have never had to work at anything in their life.

They end up with no job, no long-term relationship and no self-respect.

Out of interest why did you get married before you had a job? How did you imagine you were going to pay for the wedding? Did you just expect your family to fork out?

OP, I'm uncertain as to whether you're even checking this thread over. If you're a troll, then shame on you. Too many of us have nursed a loved one until death takes them, and you've hurt us by provoking these memories.

If you're for real OP, then heed the advice given. Fellatio and LadyMarianne have given you the best advice on this thread, and I particularly agree with Fellatio's idea to invest for your future. It's simply not right to take the 400k given and then go looking for more because you've seen you dream home. Invest, and use that money to live comfortably (which would make you and DH a very rare statistic these days) and you can then afford to plan how you're going to use your degree to earn you a living. No one is saying that you should give up on your dream. We're ALL saying that you should WORK towards that dream. You'll gain everyone's respect then.

OP, we all have our dreams. I'm dreaming of buying an old Victorian house with original features and beautiful fireplaces and an original aga in the kitchen, instead of the more modern and completely featureless home that I'm in now. I'm working towards that, once I've looked after the futures of my 3 children. You are SO fortunate to have this kind of money gifted to you, but you'd be respected more by your PIL's if you spent it the way Fellatio suggested. If you ask them for more, or sell up your Dad's home, then you are risking the relationship you have with them. Your DH isn't a high earner, and rich parents or not, sometimes you have to settle for a home that's within your earning power. Use your head OP. You must be able to support yourselves. You already feel that people are judging you, so that's either the voice of your conscience talking to you (listen to it) or your family/friends are judging you. If so, you are completely defenseless as they are all spot on. Someone has gifted you a huge sum, and you are grabbing more.

Most importantly OP, and I beg you to listen to this, your Father is facing such a battle at the moment, and if you are his Carer, then don't bring all this chaos upon him. You say you're close, so put him first. I don't need to be the one who tells you that his prognosis is among the most grim and limited. And, speaking from experience, his time ahead is going to be hard. You know the symptoms surely? Visual impairment and pain and confusion to name just the very basic - and you want to move this poor man out of familiar surroundings just to fulfill your dream? You'll sell everything he knows from under his feet, with complete disregard for your Mum and siblings, just so that you can start playing 'house'? I cannot even begin to describe to you the horror's of end-stage cancer so I implore you to call off your plans and instead gather your strength and resolve for what's really important. He needs peace in his life. He doesn't need to see his job-less daughter getting herself up to her neck in it and living well beyond her means, and making enemies of everyone in the meantime.

Care for your Dad and count your lucky starts that your PIL's are doing this for you. Think about Fellatio's suggestion but should you pursue with this daydreaming I guarantee that, in the future, should you manage to forgive yourself, then your loved one's most certainly won't. Your poor, poor Dad. And your poor Mum and siblings. I want to express my sympathy to you, but you seem more concerned for chasing your daydream.

If this is not a troll I will be really surprised. However I shall regale with my story.

My parents and grandparents helped me buy a home for myself and my son when I was getting a divorce. They stipulated that I would have to pay them back if I ever got remarried. I remarried over 3 years ago, and they will not take the money back. However, I had a small mortgage (the biggest I could get when I bought) and I worked every hour god sent to ensure that I kept a roof over our head and food on the table. That is why they refuse to take any money from me, because they see how I have struggled. They have respect for me for doing so.

In relation to your father. Well, if it is true then I am sorry for you because it is the worst thing to happen. If it isn't you are one sick person.

but you seem more concerned with chasing your daydream.

Sorry for the epic everyone. Thread has touched a very raw nerve. Shame on you OP if you're trolling.

If I had a son I would be devestated if he got together with a girl like you. My worst nightmare.

I know someone who did EXACTLY what OP is suggesting. The numbers are almost the same.
Wealthy and generous family member gave 450k for a house.
recipients asked for extra 150 as they had seen the perfect house for 600k.
wagfm gave them the money, but on reflection feels very used /relationship will never recover.

I swear this is true

My sister has a situation of sorts like this with her PILs. They are all in their forties now, and each of the three children was given money to help with buying a first home in their early twenties (nothing like this amount though) and have been lent money over the years to buy cars, or set up small businesses rather than borrow from the bank. they have also been given 50k here or there every few years as a gift.

Child 2 and 3 (one being my BIL) have worked very hard, never acted in any way entitled or spoilt, and used the money wisely, paid back loans etc, they have a nice small busniess that does quite well, so consequently they are not rich, but are comfortably off, secure and well-grounded.

Child 1 on the other hand has been a spoilt brat from start to finish, has blown every penny that was ever given to her, and demanded more when she got into debt. She has sold houses and moved back in with her parents whilst blowing any proceeds on living the high life, and continues to lurch from one domestic crisis to another, while her hapless pushover parents endlessly bail her out. She has barely ever done an honest days work in her life, and yet she manages to own her home, drive a decent car etc. Her DP is not a high earner and yet they live as though they are affluent, maxing out the credit cards - but constantly whining about how tough it is, and tapping the parents for help with bills etc.

The other two have zero respect for her and it has caused much bitterness in the family, especially as the parents do not seem to see what is happening before their eyes - or they do, but are too weak and easily manipulated to stand up to her.

OP, you are very young and you have a fantastic opportunity here - don't blow it by being spoilt and greedy. Please don't turn into the person I've just described. In the real world £400k is a hell of a lot of money. Don't fall into the trap of constantly wanting more and more no matter how much you have, because I promise you, you will not be any the happier for it. Do the right thing and live within your means, not beyond it. And find a way to make your financial security your own responsibility and not your PILs. Use their kind offer of help, by all means but don't use and abuse them.

YABFU

Selling the house from under your sick dad - really? You and your DH sound spoiled and entitled, frankly.

I have a lovely MIL who I respect enough never to leech off of her. Do you respect your PILs, or do you see them as cash cows? Where's your self-respect?

sorry I have not replied, i have been looking after my dad.

My dh loves the house too and just says he wants to be able to give me everything I want, so he hopes his parents will provide the money. If not we will have to look at mortgages or asking my dad about selling his house. I really disagree with people who think it would be wrong to move him - this house is much nicer than his current one and he would be really comfortable there.

The only thing my dh is a bit worried about is how his brothers will react. I think they already feel quite resentful towards us and he thinks this could make it worse. i think they are just jealous.

As are a lot of people on this thread.

Whether the house would be nicer or not is not the point: you'd be moving him out of his familiar surroundings and disempowering him.

My dh loves the house too and just says he wants to be able to give me everything I want

He could try getting off his arse and getting a better paid job then. Why should his parents cough up for a feckless son and a spoiled princessy brat of a DIL like you?

I'm jealous. I'd love to sit around like a lazy loaf doing a bit painting. I'm a student so I pretty much can. Enjoy op. Work on your art, it clearly needs it. :)

I'm curious as to what you think people are jealous of?

"he wants to be able to give me everything I want, so he hopes his parents will provide the money"

[ grin]

There is no way someone could say that in a non ironic way. I was prepared to believe it was just someone breathtakingly naive until then.

"he wants to be able to give me everything I want, so he hopes his parents will provide the money. If not we will have to look at mortgages or asking my dad about selling his house" ...
Or get fucking job!

My dh loves the house too and just says he wants to be able to give me everything I want

But he isn't giving you anything. You're both just scrounging off his parents.

Your father has a brain tumour - do you really think it would be in his best interest to be put through the stress and strain of selling his house and moving in his current condition never mind uprooting him from his familiar surroundings which with the mental deterioration he must be suffering will be his security blanket?? If you do I am truly dumbstruck at your ignorance and selfishness.

People on here aren't jealous - I think most of them are stunned at how totally self absorbed you are being.....

Grow up!!

I'm amazed that you have time to house hunt when you are caring for your terminally ill father tbh. Most Carers when they get a break are either sleeping or catching up on everything they've not managed to get done or are on MN.

Absolutely no way should you be skanky enough to ask your in-laws for more money. Accept their gift graciously and learn that whilst it's nice to have wealthy in-laws, it's wrong to abuse their kindness.

And abso-fucking-lutely, you should leave your dad in his surroundings. Moving him at such a fragile time would be really stressful and the worst thing you could do for him. It's not about the nicest house, it's about familiar surroundings and knowing his own house, even when he is extremely ill.

(If you are a troll then, meh, you need to get your kicks off people on the Internet. Now that's really pathetic. I'm hoping your not a troll)

This must be a reverse aibu!

You really are a disgrace OP.