to think it would be acceptable to do this?

[foldergirl]

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

Sweetie dahling, listen. You're using your dying father as an excuse to not get off your pretty little backside and find a job. What will you do when he dies, what excuse will you come up with then? Grief? Depression?

If you had any sense of self worth and motivation, you would take any job you could find to be able to contribute financially. You could help out your father with bills/expenses, take him out for a day trip, go on a weekend break with him, create some special memories with him...

...but no, you're happier to use his illness as a millstone around your neck so you can say "oh woe is me, caring for my father, what a wonderful selfless person I am...".

For the record, I'm in a similar situation to you with regard to wealthy in laws, but neither me nor my parter would dare to behave like such money grabbing little scroungers. Your PIL are not your own personal bank.

foldergirl when my dad was dying of cancer, i worked full time, earnt about as much money as you want from the PIL, in one year & still when home from the office to pick him up off the floor, maybe make a few calls to clients then go back to work.

looking after a dying parent is something many many people do & you dont deserve anything for doing it. you are not living in the real world - the rest of us are, now join us on planet earth or you will fuck up your own life.

want extra from the PIL

For what it's worth, OP, I can't stand Kate Middleton, pretty much for the reasons that have been thrown up in this thread. I can't imagine why any self-respecting woman would go through her entire twenties without ever working (with the usual caveat that she is fit and well, and doesn't have children to look after).

I noticed that a couple of posters have sneered at arts degrees. I did a degree in an arts subject and have a decent job with a professional salary. All of my peers also got jobs that they are happy with. The difference between us and the OP is that we didn't sit around waiting for a job that we "wanted" or "was right for us" to magically drop into our laps but started at the bottom and worked our way up. I actually work with university students with arts degrees, and most of them are managing to find jobs - again, not the kind of jobs they want to have ultimately, but they realise that there is such a thing as a career ladder, and that they are not automatically entitled to jump to the top of it.

By the way, I'm not jealous at all. I actually think what the OP is describing is a rather sad existence.

Kate Middleton isn't supported by 'her husbands family' she's supported by the state ie. all of us. Those of us who work anyway.

OP has any of this thread sunk in yet?

I am shocked and upset by some of the abuse I have received on here. Good!! Maybe you'll be shocked into looking at your actions and intentions.

Look up dignity in the dictionary, then look up pride then after that have a long lie down in a dark room and have a good think.

OP - I kept hoping you were a troll, but that's looking less and less likely. I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else has said because you're not listening, but a couple of practical thoughts . . .

Do you have any volunteer experience from your two years without working? Or is that a silly question?

If not, you do have experience looking after your dad. Have you considered some kind of caring role? It might help you put things in perspective and broaden your horizons a bit. And even if it's not what you fancy at first, looking after people less fortunate than yourself is incredibly rewarding and tends to change your outlook somewhat. You surely can't be happy in yourself if you're this money-focused - taking care of others might be just the sort of thing you need to find inner peace.

Seriously why would two young people even need 600k to buy a house?

I am younger than you with a son and a DP and less than 200k would buy someting suitable.
I don't expect I will be in the position to buy a house for a long time with a DP who works on minimum wage and I am studying in higher education.
Why don't you just be grateful and use the money sensibly.
With that much you could buy a reasonable house and set up some sort of business for you art at the same. Then manybe after working fo a while YOU, not your PIL could afford to buy your dream house.

What do you think you would be doing now if you weren't with your DH?
I would assume your DF would still be ill yet you would have no money.
Why don't you just try to imagine what that would be like and then you will understand why people on here are so furious at you.

I think you need to find something in life that is a bit more important to you than having a 'perfect' house and living off of other people for the rest of your life.

If you and your DH do have children I hope that you realise this world isn't all about you and what you want or are 'entitled' to.
And finally but most importantly please don't move your DF under the delusion it is better for him.

Read what people have said to you and instead of being defensive try and understand why they are saying it. It will make you a better person... believe me!

If you and your DH do have children

I hope the selfish little madam never does. Not until she's done some growing up herself and stopped being such a bloody leech.

Foldergirl, I really wouldn't compare yourself to Kate Middleton who by the way does have a job and is doing it well. Her job is to be married to and support the future king of England. Whether you agree with the monarchy or not that is her role. She will no doubt be pregnant before long and in the meantime if the papers are to be believed is moving to London shortly to take up more charity work.

How much charity work have you been doing in the last two years?

There is no way she could have a 9-5 paid office job with paparazzi chasing her and colleagues selling stories to the papers. Never mind the security risk of someone trying to kill or kidnap her. I doubt you have these concerns do you?

So this is real.........words fail me truly.

Foldergirl

IT WOULD BE CRUEL TO SELL YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE AND TRAUMATISE HIM BY MAKING HIM MOVE WHILST HE IS SO ILL.

IT WOULD BE IMMORAL TO SELL THE HOUSE AND TAKE ALL THE PROCEEDS, LEAVING YOUR MOTHER AND BROTHER WITH NOTHING.

YOU DO NOT NEED A HUGE HOUSE, AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO RUN SUCH A HOUSE OR THE LIFESTYLE IT WOULD LEAD YOU TO.

YOUR DH IS NOT GIVING YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT - HE IS SPONGING OFF HIS PARENTS.

BEING OFFERED £400,000 TO BUY A HOUSE, AND ASKING FOR ANOTHER £200,000 SO YOU CAN BUY A DREAM HOUSE IS SHEER GREED.

Apologies for shouting, everyone (except foldergirl) - I feel that she needs short, declarative sentences so she can understand what we are trying to say to her, without having to read complex paragraphs with more than one sentence.

Foldergirl, you're a muppet. Honestly.

Kate Middleton did work before she got married. She now does charity work etc. and is married to a person with a career/job/salary. She undoubtedly has had a lot of financial help from her parents and ILs but I think it unlikely that she has asked any terminally ill relatives to sell their homes and disinherit the rest of their family in order to buy a more expensive house than the one you have been offered. Lots of people don't like the Royal family so its not even a reasonable comparison from that pov.

Stop! Everyone!

The Kate Middleton comment has sealed it for me. No way is this true.

Stop feeding the troll.

It's christmas. Some of us have kids with special needs. Some of us can't work because we have kids with special needs. Some of us are worried about how to pay the next bill. We understand that some people for whatever reason are wealthy and in better positions than us. However, don't fancy having my nose rubbed in it.
Now, sod off.

You are so vile. I pity your poor brother and mother - and your father. You seriously think it is ok to sell his house and take them money for your house dream?! What about your brother and mother?

You pathetic excuse for a human being and you cant even see it.

Is not a troll

My second ever deletion!

It was in a good cause.

[unrepentant emoticon]

another thing OP - if you move to a £600k house, obviously not funded by you & DH, your neighbours will notice.

i have a neighbour. massive central london flat. paid for by his M&D. he would still be a plonker if paid for it himself, but we all know he didnt & that is the icing on his plonker cake.

What does the fact that some people have dc with SN have to do with anything?

I have a child with SN, that doesn't mean other people aren't allowed to post whatever the fuck they like on a public forum. Disagree with the OP if you want, but her posting about her own life/fantasy is not rubbing anyone's nose in anything.

I agree with many of the points made to the OP, but the fact is that there are loads of people that don't work for what they live on. Trust fund babies, people on benefits, lottery winners, people that have inherited and invested well, SAHM's whose dc are at school. Plenty of those people would get advice and support and sympathy on here.

Only on MN would people get such vile abuse for wanting a little more than they already have.

Slave Personally I have zero issue with OP being given the generous gift of £400k from the PILs. It's the intent to ask for £200k extra that sickens me, and that's not even getting into the row about her desire to sell her ill DF's house.

£200k is not a "little extra" as you so put it, it's a huge amount, even for people as rich as her PILs

Slave, I felt that a little perspective was needed. I don't have a problem with people having plenty, I do have a problem with people considering selling the property of others because the 400k they are being given isn't enough. Particularly at Christmas when, for whatever reason, people are struggling.

Being given 400k, and then asking for another 195k because you are not prepared to work for the money is hardly "Wanting a little more".

I think the Vile Abuse (not actually vile imo) is due to the troll's insistence on selling her dying fathers' house from under his feet, and using a pathetic justification in the process.

I've met plenty of people this entitled and completely self-centered to think this is a troll.

OP - you are being unreasonable, completely and totally.

If you insist on selling your fathers home as he is dying, then please don't come back and post about it. It would be a terrible, disgusting thing to do to a vulnerable person at such a time - you would be taking advantage of your dad.

The OP's attitude is fully troll worthy, even if she is not a troll.