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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it would be acceptable to do this?

249 replies

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 19:56

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 16/12/2011 21:55

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 16/12/2011 22:00

You either are as you seem and aren't very bright - you don't have any idea about how much it costs to run a house for example.

Or you're not what you seem and not very imaginative.

Either way you don't look that good.

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2011 22:07

this has to be a wind up. OP, I am sorry about your dad, I have to assume that bit is true. However, what can a 595k house (rent and debt free) give you that a 400k (rent and debt free) house lacks? What on earth makes your DH (and you, although I accept that atm you are a carer) think you can sail through life without a job or contributing in any other way?

Veda · 16/12/2011 22:09

This thread makes me heave. Trying to get your hands on your Dad's house while claiming to be selling FOR him is beyond vile. You don't DESERVE anything because you care for your Dad. You become a carer for no other reason than you CARE!!

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2011 22:09

And I am not coming at this from a "I scrimped and saved to pay my own way, every penny" angle either. DH and I have well off parents (not in the same league as yours though!) who have been financially and otherwise very helpful. Both sets of parents have provided lump sums in the past. Both provide free, regular childcare. If they won the lottery, we would be set for life. But, but, but...

RhondaRoo · 16/12/2011 22:11

OP - you're thoughtless post is going to hit a raw nerve with many genuine carers on here, many people who have serious money problems and people who either are suffering with or who have a loved one suffering with cancer.

If this is a wind-up, please, get the post removed.

If it is not, take a long hard look at yourself and get the post removed.

RhondaRoo · 16/12/2011 22:11

*your

witherhills · 16/12/2011 22:11

I have no clue whether this is real, but just wanted to say that depending on where you live, £595k might not buy you a 6 bed mansion. 2 bed terraced houses go for that round here.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/12/2011 22:13

Luckily the OP's mother has joint power of attorney, so OP will not be able to just sell her dad's house out from under him.

StealthPolarBear · 16/12/2011 22:14

Well if half as much again gets you a dream mansion, I doubt it. Do take your point though. Given neither of them work they could move up here where £595,000 gets you a row of mansions. Not much call for tortured artists though.

BroomBuBuBum · 16/12/2011 22:15

Whether this is real or fake it is in really really poor taste considering how many people are unwillingly unemployed and struggling at the moment.

Appuskidu · 16/12/2011 22:31

How do you get on with your husband's parents, OP?

Rosduk · 16/12/2011 23:01

If this is real I imagine one day DH will wake up and smell the lazy, shockingly selfish gold digger downstairs as she's gathering up her loved ones belongings to sell.

Either that or he will wake up and smell the bored, lonely loser sat downstairs making this stuff up! There is no way this is real!

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 16/12/2011 23:10

Jesus

BeaHededd · 16/12/2011 23:21

If this is a wind up then I am asking you nicely to remove it as my Aunt is in the very final stages of brain cancer and it is horrific.
We are caring for her at home and to move her would cause untold stress and upset.
If it is real then you need to look in a mirror and tell yourself that your so called dream house will wait and your Father needs to be where he is familiar.
If someone wanted to buy me a house for £400000 then I would probably be looking below that and not above you come across as a money gabbing self centred fucking bitch horror.

BeaHededd · 16/12/2011 23:23

I meant grabbing!!

slavetofilofax · 16/12/2011 23:29

The jealousy shown by posters on this thread is vile.

If this is real, then OP is obviosuly very naieve and is likely to learn her lesson at some point anyway. But I don't think it is terrible to not work if you don't have to, and I think if you are going to live off anyone other than yourself, it is far better to live off your parents than off benefits.

RachelHRD · 17/12/2011 00:12

This hits a huge raw nerve with me OP whether or not you are a troll. I looked after my mother when she was dying a cruel, painful death of cancer when I was 23 in 1993. I certainly never expected a 'salary' for it, never mind #600k or for her to sell her house so I could get one I wanted.

I am sorry about your Dad, and I know it is hard caring for someone who is terminally ill but you really have your priorities totally screwed up. Concentrate on your Dad and what is best for him at the moment. Your needs are secondary...

lisaro · 17/12/2011 00:19

If I though this was real you would disgust me. As it is - meh

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 17/12/2011 00:28

It's late and I am tired so I wont beat around the bush

I am younger than you OP but even to me you sound like a self entitled spoilt brat with no brain cells and no morals. Looking after your own family when they are seriously ill is something you SHOULD do, and no, you deserve nothing from it really.

The house would not benefit him, stop talking crap to justify yourself. I hope your PIL realise quickly what a money grabber you are and refuse to give anything else to you.

FellatioNelson · 17/12/2011 04:59

Here's an idea. You say you do not have a job and your husbnad has a fairly low paid job. Take the gift of £400k, and buy 3 small houses/flats. Live in one yourselves sas most couples your age would start in maodest home and be grateful for it) and rent the other tow out. The other tow will provide you with money income or a salary of sorts. You can get a smallish mortage which will be offset against the profit on your rent, frot ax reasons so the cash in your pocket is greater. That way you have your own home all bought and paid for that is cheap to run and easy to maintain for a young couple (fantastic in itself) and you have created an income stream that you can build on in the future, which is pretty hands-off as full time jobs go, so thre will be plenty of time to nurse your dad and work on your art. Plus you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are 'earning' your own money which I am sure would make your FIL proud. I think he would apporbe of that. It would be a good way to thank him for his generosity, rather than just being a bit of a parasite, even if it is a gift.

FellatioNelson · 17/12/2011 04:59

approve, sorry

FellatioNelson · 17/12/2011 05:00

Jeez, there was some crazy-assed typing in there folks. My apologies!

Alligatorpie · 17/12/2011 05:17

I like fellatio's idea.

You come across as spoiled and entitled. You need to grow up.

I would suggest that you do some volunteer work if you can't get a job, to show the inlaws that you are not just a scrounger. Do not ask them or more money, they will be horrified. As you said all your dh's siblings and partners work, why don't you? Why on earth would you pil give you any more money than they are giving the siblings?

I am shaking my head. What does your mom think of this idea? I hope your dad doesn't hear about this plan of yours. He has enough going on in his life to worry about where he went wrong teaching you about I dependence and respect.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you really need to grow up.

Alligatorpie · 17/12/2011 05:18

Independence, not I dependence

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