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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it would be acceptable to do this?

249 replies

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 19:56

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

OP posts:

Original poster

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 21:08

Thank you, lady marianne, that is useful advice, at last!

In a way though, buying the house would be in my dad's interest as he would move in with us and so he would benefit.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 16/12/2011 21:10

It's not bad to not work if you don't have to. But that's kind of the point - you do have to in order to support yourself. If, as a couple, you and your dh decide to have one of you stay at home in order to look after children, then that's fine so long as one of you has a job to financially support the family.

It is in no way your PIL's job to pay for you.

If you are real, where is your pride?

fedupofnamechanging · 16/12/2011 21:14

Don't try and sell this as being in your dad's best interests. It is best for him to be in his own home and to choose for himself what to do with his house/money.

This is about what you want and you can't dress it up as anything else.

dontletthebellsend · 16/12/2011 21:14

What would happen when you dad dies and all his money is tied up in the house that you are living in? How will you pay your mother and brother his share of the inheritance? As your parents aren't divorced then your mother will inherit unless you dad wills it all to you.

It would not be in you Dads best interest to have to sell up and move when he is so ill. It will also damage your relationship with your mum and brother at a time that your dad needs a bit of unity around him. If you think that you are doing this for your dad then you are deluded.

WelshMoth · 16/12/2011 21:16

You cannot, cannot sell up your fathers home when he's this far advanced, even under the guise that you're caring for him. Caring for him doesn't mean grabbing your inheritance whilst the poor man is still alive. Caring for someone doesn't mean that you're entitled to their life savings.

Good God Woman - even if you have married into a wealthy family, I don't understand where your ideas of grandeur have come from. In this climate, your PIL's could readily lose everything. Everything. Your DH doesn't sound to be a high earner and you sound extremely thoughtless, so even if you managed to get your super home, you couldn't pay to run the bally thing.

By all means, use your degree, don't get a 9-5 job in the rat race, but live within your means. Anything else is both shallow and selfish.

Gapants · 16/12/2011 21:16

LadyMarianneBrandon TALKS SENSE

Sorry to hear about your dad, that sucks.

More sorry to read your post and your enormous sense of entitlement. Ghastly. Shame on you.

Gapants · 16/12/2011 21:18

classic AIBU!! Op responds to the one poster whom she likes and disregards the rest.

Come on OP defend yourself! What is your thought process here?

MudAndGlitter · 16/12/2011 21:18

LadyMarianneBrandon · 16/12/2011 21:19

In a way though, buying the house would be in my dad's interest as he would move in with us and so he would benefit.

It would cause confusion to a man with a brain tumour, having to be in unfamiliar surroundings when it wasn't medically necessary (eg in hospital) and that would be deeply unfair IMO.
The house probably goes to your mum in his will. She deserves the chance to a) spend time with him and after him in the house they knew together and
b) decide what she wants to do with it in her own good time. Which may involve living there till she's 95!

You've got a really good deal already.
When you're looking at houses, stop yourself looking at the ones above the price bracket you can definitely afford. It only leads to disappointment.
No house is 100% perfect anyway.
I would also consider in your position getting a cheaper, more ordinary house and banking £150-200k for the benefit of your future children or own old age.

Original poster

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 21:25

It is interesting that someone mentioned pensions, my sil mentioned this the other day but I just thought she was being a bit too cautious, i am only 24!

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 16/12/2011 21:27

You think you're too young for a pension?

You do realise that the later you leave it, the more you have to pay in each month to even stand a chance of a decent pension, don't you?

And don't rely on state pension either, cos by the time you retire - there's unlikely to be one.

HairyNigel · 16/12/2011 21:28

Yesssss LadyMarianneBrandon talks sense! I've just been having a nosy online at houses for £250k in our area and there are some gorgeous houses about. What would be the point living in a huge £595k house with most of the rooms empty cos only 2-3 people live there? It really wouldn't be fair on any of your family to ask your Dad to sell his home, and there is no reason for him to have to. Be happy with what you have.

cantspel · 16/12/2011 21:29

Justy incase this is not a troll post. You do relise that if the pil die witin 7 years of this gift then it will still be liable for IHT as you can only gift £3,000 a year

Original poster

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 21:32

Well I'm not sure about the inheritance tax but am sure that pils have taken very good financial advice and there will be some way round it.

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 16/12/2011 21:34

Sorry about your dad.

I think you have been incredibly lucky to have not had to work and to be provided for by your in laws. 400K is way more than most people will ever have to buy a home, so I'm afraid I can't see any reason why you would need to spend any more. I would imagine your in laws would be shocked and probably disgusted if you asked for more than this extremely generous gift. I would go for a house that cost half that, which would give you savings. Your DH may not get a better paid job for a while, and if you don't plan to work, you need plenty of income to run a house and bring up kids.

Ticktock1 · 16/12/2011 21:34

This post is too stupid to be true surely! Grow up and take some pride in your own life. Have some respect, for your poor dad who is vulnerble

cantspel · 16/12/2011 21:35

yes trusts is the way around it but not hard cash to buy a house.

Ticktock1 · 16/12/2011 21:38

This post is too stupid to be true surely! Grow up and take some pride in your own life. Have some respect, for your poor dad who is vulnerable and who you are planning to take advantage of, for you Pil's who have funded a lot of your adult life with I am sure little thanks and for yourself. Wow ignorance never fails to surprise me!

Ticktock1 · 16/12/2011 21:39

Sorry stupid phone posted mid sentance!

Gapants · 16/12/2011 21:40

grrrr op to be 24 and so self absorbed.

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 21:41

Yep, money into a trust for 7 yrs I think it is (or passed on, then donator can't die for 7 yrs if you see what I mean) and then can be passed on tax free...simplisticly speaking.

So keep your fingers crossed OP eh. If your DH wants to give up his job how will you support yourselves? Never too early to start a pension either, that is just common sense.

The least unreasonable of two very unreasonable options would be asking PIL. You can't sell your dad's house, unfair on all involved (bar you, but that is ok hey).

cantspel · 16/12/2011 21:45

Money put into a 'bare' trust - a trust where the beneficiary is entitled to the trust fund at age 18, counts as a potentially exempt transfer, so it is possible to put money into a trust to stop grandchildren, for example, having access to it until they are older.
However gifts to most other types of trust will be treated as chargeable lifetime transfers. Chargeable lifetime transfers up to the threshold suffer no tax but amounts over are taxed at 20% with a further 20% payable if the person making the gift dies within seven years.

so unless you are a grandchild under the age of 18 then you would still be liable for IHT.

RhondaRoo · 16/12/2011 21:46

Is it really so bad not to work if you don't have to?

Yes, because you are scrounging off others.

Take you father out of the picture. You are able to earn your own money, you just don't want to. You live off your PIL's. Do you have no self respect? Does you DH have no self respect?

Here's a thought. Take the 400k (if I was in the position to give my children money on this scale, I would), get a job, save the £195k you need for your dream house.

Do it this way and when you are finally sitting in your dream house, you can look around and be proud that you have contributed.

MenopausalHaze · 16/12/2011 21:48

I suppose this is a load of made up bullshit? I do hope so because the very idea that someone as self absorbed and utterly fucking airheaded as you is walking the planet is deeply distasteful to me and I'm sure many others.

Really - of all the subjects you could have chosen for your Friday night literary fantasy was this really the best you could come up with?

Pantofino · 16/12/2011 21:49

God, I hope this is made up!

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