to think it would be acceptable to do this?

[foldergirl]

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

If this is true, then I am .

You lazy, selfish, grasping, entitled, feckless woman. I feel sorry for you.

I'm sure your father is very proud of you and how you have turned out .

You and your h need to work to support yourselves and to learn the value of money. You are 24 and haven't had a job since uni - what's the point of going to uni, then?

Your pil has been v generous in his initial offer of 400k and why you have to ask for another 200k is beyond me. How are you going to pay the bills???? Have you even thought of that?

Not going to waste any mroe of my precious time on here.

I'm thinking not true now.

Your husband sounds like a feckless waster too, you're well matched. Would you have married him if his family were poor?

My dh loves the house too and just says he wants to be able to give me everything I want

OP, you are utterly unbelievable. Quite apart from the fact that you are a feckless scrounger living in cloud cuckoo land regarding "becoming an artist", you are being completely unreasonable to expect your PIL to keep shelling out cash so you don't have to work. £400K is a MASSIVE LIFE-CHANGING amount. They are being incredibly generous. You, OTOH, are being a self entitled money grabber to think that at the age of 24 you "deserve" what you want. It is unllikely that you will make a living at being an "artist", unless you consider "piss artist" a job, because there are thousands of people leaving university everyday trying to break into the "art industry".

And before you accuse me of being jealous, I'm not. Not only do I have an impeccable "artist" pedigree (which amongst other things, includes pictures of mine being hung in the Royal Academy and 2 direct relatives being leading Welsh artists) but my parents are also very wealthy and have helped DH and I out financially on several occasions. My DH, like yours, likes to "give me everything I want". If I wanted the moon and he could, he'd give it to me. Difference between you and me, however, is that I wouldn't ask.

Any money my parents have lent DH and I, we've paid back. Why? because we have no "entitlement" to it. There have been numerous occasions where the money loaned to us has been written off, but not because they or we, felt we were "entitled".

You need a bloody good dose of reality.

Would you have married him if his family were poor?

That's a thought.I feel a mrs merton moment coming on. What first attracted you to your husband with the wealthy family then?

hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I want a 600k dream house too!! don't we all?!!!

But we DON'T HAVE 600K so we settle with what we HAVE got, which is worth less than half of that and DH and I work our ARSES off to pay the mortgage and have a home we are proud of because we have worked hard for it. Every night I come home to our lovely little house and I am proud of it because I know all the hard work we have put in to buy it - and it's also how I teach my children too - work hard, save some money and you can buy nice things!! Did no-one teach you that?!!! Shame on you!! (and no, no-one is jealous of you...i'd rather be in my 250k house that I worked for than your 600k gift!!!)

I'm not jealous of your situation.

I'm sorry about your dad, but I really don't think that you should even consider selling his home now so you can get your dream house. There will always be a dream house to aspire to, but you only get one dad.

I take pride in the fact that I don't expect others to carry me financially. You sound like a spoiled princess, frankly.

Marlene

Seven years is seven years. there is no way around it (my DF is an accountant and has given us money under this rule with the seven year proviso). However if the OP and her dh are in their early twenties it seems a little unnecessary to worry too much about the PIL dying any time soon. Although perhaps this is another incentive for getting decent jobs so that they can get on the housing ladder with that massive leg up.

I'm not jealous either. Yes, it would be lovely to have money, but money from PIL tends to come with strings. If nothing else, it keeps you in the position of 'child' and makes you beholden to them.

Better, I think, for you and your dh to make your own way in life. I'd be embarrassed if everything I had came from my husband's parents.

i cannot see you PIL agreeing to this - why give you more than the others? if they had more i think they would have given it already, equally. but that would be an extra £600k. not a small amount.

your dad's house: surely your brother should get the same amount as you? your parents are still married. surely she has control over the martial assets? what does your DM/DB say?

sorry about your dad (my dad died of a brain tumour a couple of year ago) but really you need to get a grip. i think you are confusing fantasy and reality.

yes it would be a nice idea to have a lovely house & do just what you want.....back on planet earth dahling the world does not revolve around you.

when your dad has gone your family will be:
DH, DM, DB, DH M&D& siblings.

what do you want these people to think of you? if you carry on as you as, i don think it wil be much.

Another thing is: you want this 'dream' house for doing art, having kids etc.

Fair enough, but these things might not happen - you might never have kids, your art might not take off and you might just live day to day in a huge house struggling to heat, clean and fill it. Go on the conception or infertility boards and see that some women don't have the chance to have kids they so desperately want.

If you asked the PILs for the extra money and it causes a huge family fallout then DH could lose his family relationships and they could cut you out of the £400k. Then you'd be stuck as a normal prole like the rest of us.

Taking more and more money off your PILs only means that you will forever be in debt to them and create the opportunity for meddling in your lives.

Make your own way in the world and accept the £400k as the generous gift it is. Have some dignity and don't ask for more. I am dumbstruck even thinking about that much money, is more than many of us could ever imagine.

You are 24, no job, and no kids. What the actual fuckety fuck do you want a huge forever house for????????

Give it 10 years. Try to work at the art now, maybe get a job, maybe have a few kids and then worry about the house.

I'm very sorry to read your dad is so sick and I'm sure that is a big strain on all the family. But I do think speaking to your mum, friends or other relations for a good dose of reality would do you the world of benefit.

I am shocked and upset by some of the abuse I have received on here.

Those who keep telling me to get a job, well, for one thing, as I have already explained, I am a full time carer for my dad.

Also,you may have noticed that there is a recession on at the minute and it has been going on since I graduated and it is difficult to find the kind of job I want to do. I couldn't see anything appropriate for me so I didn't apply for one. It's not as easy as just "get a job". Would you say to anyone else unemployed for 2 years that they have written off this time being feckless and undignified?

Yes.

Oh, get off the stage.

You were not unemployed for two years because of a recession.

You were unemployed because you couldn't be arsed to get a job, and I quote: I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job.

And if you were actually an artist you'd be practising your art regardless of your circumstances.

If what you wrote in your opening salvo is correct, then you are feckless. You are undignified. You have little sense of your own worth.

Your husband "wants to give you everything you want" so... he asks his parents for it, or you ask them for it. You have a strange, child-like attitude of revelling in dependency.

Also,you may have noticed that there is a recession on at the minute and it has been going on since I graduated and it is difficult to find the kind of job I want to do. I couldn't see anything appropriate for me so I didn't apply for one. It's not as easy as just "get a job".

OP, by your own admission, you've not had a job since university. That's 2 years. In all likelyhood, you're going to find it virtually impossible to break into your field without experience, so that will be your next excuse - I can't get the job without experience. So you take a job that you don't like, to get some self respect and actually learn what it's like to live in the real world. Oh, wait, you can't get a job, because "you are a full time carer for your dad", which is a "job".

You have taken offence, OP, because the consensus is not telling you what you want to hear. So I'm going to just that.

You are entirely reasonable to want £200,000 more than the £400,000 you have been offered by your PIL (because they are so completely unreasonable to ONLY give you £400K - how very dare they!), so you can sit on your arse all day, living in your "ideal home", being an artist.

I'm not going to jump

What makes you think you don't have to work? As others have said even if you did get the extra money from pil for this house, how will you pay bills? Maintenance? Or will you sponge that off them too? It's all fair and well wanting to be a housewife but you need to he able to afford it and you can't.
And you cannot ask your dad to sell his house that's so wrong! Get a part time job so you can still care for while earning.
Some peoe don't know they're bloody born!

Everything Marlene has said. Including the very rude stuff - because it applies so perfectly to you foldergirl.

I'm sorry about your dad, but you say that in those two years you couldn't find the type of job you wanted to do, then in those circumstances you get any job, and then be more picky when looking for a job.