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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it would be acceptable to do this?

249 replies

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 19:56

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

OP posts:
suzikettles · 16/12/2011 20:19

What about your pension? What if you and your dh split up? What if your pils run into financial difficulties (it can happen)? What if your fil dies before the 7 years are up on his "gifts" and you get hit with an inheritance tax bill?

Rudolfsgottarednose · 16/12/2011 20:20

Why is the OP any better than someone committing benefit fraud?

They are all taking out of the public purse, by avoiding tax and it is out of pure greed, not need.

OP- what time is it that you are giving up to look after your dad? Its not like you would be developing a career or even looking for a job.

Blu · 16/12/2011 20:22

An arts graduate.
What can you expect?

slavetofilofax · 16/12/2011 20:24

Go for it, scrounging off parents is better than scrounging off the state, and plenty of people do that without being thought less of on MN.

ShellyBoobs · 16/12/2011 20:29

slavetofilofax - couldn't agree more.

RagamuffinAndFidget · 16/12/2011 20:30

Wow. I would have loved it if someone would have given me £400k as a tax dodge when I was struggling through school while caring for my alcoholic, diabetic, manic depressive mother.

No, scratch that. I would have loved it if someone had given me a break.

Get off your fecking arse OP, if you are a real poster, and get a job. The fact that, you say, your Dad is so poorly is very sad but it does not entitle you to money for nothing.

Appuskidu · 16/12/2011 20:32

I would be so proud if my son married someone like you, OP. What a credit to society you are.

sweetsantababy · 16/12/2011 20:33

Are you married or not?

You won't get much sympathy re money on here. Sorry about your dad, it must be hard. FWIW lots of people scrounge off the state so if they can afford it why not you do sound spoilt though and living in lala land I defintley think YABU to want you dad's house, surley it is for love not money that you care for your dad.

My PIL aren't wealthy but have a bit of cash and they have been very generous/ still are. have other issues with them

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 16/12/2011 20:35

Yeah nice one OP.
Cancer is fucking hilarious.

rhondajean · 16/12/2011 20:35

Arts degree.

Too lazy even to make up a proper degree eh!

ilovesooty · 16/12/2011 20:36

Are there really spoilt little madams like this around who think everyone else owes them the luxuries in life and they only have to say "I want"?

NinkyNonker · 16/12/2011 20:37

Deffo, me me me.

slavetofilofax · 16/12/2011 20:38

The fact that, you say, your Dad is so poorly is very sad but it does not entitle you to money for nothing.

Right. But having a kid does? Hmm

Some serious double standards going on here, even if it is made up.

cantspel · 16/12/2011 20:39

So pil is a millionaire and he has already given away £800k to 2 siblings so that means is has £200k left so it looks like you will have to settle for a park home on the I of W

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 20:41

Your PILs will realise you cannot get a £195k mortgage. But your DH might get a £35k one. Why not look for a house in the region of £435k and be grateful?

Or wait for your dad to die and use some of his estate to top up the slightly inadequate four hundred thou?

Ripeberry · 16/12/2011 20:43

You are one of life's losers OP. Sort yourself out, make your own way then you might know what it's all about.

dontletthebellsend · 16/12/2011 20:45

It might be acceptable to ask them on the proviso that within say 2 years you will both have found enough work to get a £200K mortgage and pay them the extra back, but you can't and you won't so YABU. Not fair on you, your DH, your PILs and your DHs bros and SILs. Your PILs are only giving the money on the proviso that you can also pay a mortgage so leave the house hunting until such a time. Its never a good idea to look when you can't buy.

I think you are seriously underestimating how much money it would cost in legal fees and how much it would cost to run such a house.

HairyNigel · 16/12/2011 20:51

If this is true then I think you would BU to ask your dad to sell his house, not fair on any siblings. You're very lucky to have such generous PILs, why not just try and find a nice £400k house, I'm pretty sure you can get an amazing house for that price! I know most people would give their right arm to be able to spend that on a house, you must realise how lucky you are.

If you dont want to work then that's you're prerogative and I dont see why people are giving you such a flaming for it, jealousy most likely. Just be prepared to work your butt off to get to the point you're at now if you ever split up with DH, life is a whole lot harder on the breadline.

solvendie · 16/12/2011 20:57

Totally acceptable - go for it! Xmas Biscuit

Original poster
foldergirl · 16/12/2011 21:02

I have an art degree, so I would like to work as an artist, as I said, with my own studio.

We are married, to clarify.

I am a bit shocked at the reactions on here but they have confirmed what other things people have been saying. At our wedding one guest even wrote in the guest book "get a job!". Is it really so bad not to work if you don't have to?

OP posts:
ChuffMuffin · 16/12/2011 21:03

You feel that you deserve a £600k for looking after your dying father? Aren't you a delight!

ChuffMuffin · 16/12/2011 21:03

*£600k house

LadyMarianneBrandon · 16/12/2011 21:04

Right, OK, I'm going to take this seriously as in my family there has been gifting of money to buy houses etc (though not such large sums). And also it looks like I may have to deal with power of attorney in the not too distant future for a parent who is well off and has been generous in the past.

Daft, semi pisstake Austenite namechange due to attitudes on here.

  1. Definitely take note of what other posters are saying about running costs for a large property. Band G-H council tax, big water and fuel bills; all the work involved in cleaning it (cleaners are expensive enough just for a standard 3 bed semi, never mind bigger). If you are going to be on low incomes and have few employable skills (albeit asset rich) that will be a millstone, white elephant, albatross, call it what you will.

  2. I think it's really really really not on for you to sell your dad's house from under him. He needs to be in a familiar place whilst unwell and whatever plans he made and wishes he expressed before the onset of the brain tumour need to be respected. Leaving an existing standing order in place is one thing, taking other money from a person like this unless it's 100% to use for their interests is not acceptable IMO.

  3. There's no reason not to ask the PIL if he is free with his money like this. But be honest about your circumstances and prospects and be prepared for the answer to be no.

  4. Perhaps several years in the future you could move to a different area of the country where £400k will get you a big house like the one you picture in your mind. But of course bear in mind the house running costs - and considering costs of your future children too.

  5. You will gain experience from looking after your father that could stand you in good stead for future work in care or working with older or disabled people. It's a good idea to have something to fall back on, and some part time work doing something like that will keep skills up, and broaden your mind and social experiences - helpful both to yourself and your future children.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 16/12/2011 21:06

It's called their money for a reason.

Go and earn your own and pay your own way in life. It is really not on to see other people's money as something you have any sort of claim on.

dontletthebellsend · 16/12/2011 21:07

"Is it really so bad not to work if you don't have to?"

But you do have to if you want an extra £200K. Can't you see that?

Your DH might be quite happy to support you but you are asking his parents to do it when their other DILs support themselves and they have a strong work ethic.

If you want to not work then get a small mortgage that you can afford on one salary and buy a house within that range.