to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

My boarding experiences also bear zero resemblance to the OP's Oliver Twist style boarding school.

In fact, when you are paying those kind of sums, most parents are very fussy about the facilities - they want value for money. My brother's school had better art facilities than most universities.

I weekly-boarded from 8-12 and loved it - parents every weekend, school Sun eve-Fri eve. Then I went to an all-girls school at 12 where I was also very happy. We had six in the dorm with cubicle walls between each bed, so we were together but had personal space.

However - my older brother went to full boarding school at age 7. He was terribly unhappy and homesick and it took him years to get over it. Mum learned her lesson which is why neither I nor my younger brother boarded at such a young age. To be fair to her she was under a lot of pressure from my father's family to do it the 'right' way.

I have mixed feelings about under 12s but I genuinely think it suits a lots of teenagers. I had far less miserable conflicts with my parents than some of my teenage friends because we took each other less for granted and I wanted to spend time with them when I was at home.
BUT I loved spending days and nights with my peers. After all, at that age, you feel no-one else understands you.

We are a very loving, huggy family, boarding did not damage that in any way - and the independence it gave me cannot be underestimated.

To be fair to the OP we bought and ate a lot of crap though!

Dh went to boarding school from the age of 13 for his gcse's, his parents where in the forces and it gave him a stable environment to study and to achieve what he wanted. He has a great relationship with his parents.

Im not keen on the boarding idea myself, but each to their own.

YABU to think boarding schools are horrible for the children. I know many who went and loved it. And they didn't eat any more junk than the average teenager.

However, what I don't get is why the parents do it. I'd hate to only see my DC in the holidays. (Weekly boarding might be different).

DS (12) has SN (Aspergers) and goes to a boarding school because it has the best possible provision for his needs. This was pretty much established as fact, because it went before a tribunal and our council have to pay the (very expensive) fees.

He has his own room there, which he decorates to his own taste, the grounds include a huge field and sports facilities and the food has won several awards. He doesn't spend much money on tuck as he'd rather save his money for games (he has more intensive monitoring than NT children so I get detailed reports on what he gets up to).

He gets far more input (1:1 and therapies) than he would if he'd stayed in a local SN school or a local mainstream, and all the staff are trained in SN so they have a good understanding of his needs. I know other parents who have refused to consider boarding for their SN children and they are having to battle daily for decent provision, even when it has been specified in a statement. I miss DS every day, but I feel it would be selfish to deny him that sort of provision when I know that others on the spectrum often end up with mental health problems and unable to live independently because they haven't got the provision they needed while they were at school.

minciepie
Parents do it because they genuinely believe that taking all factors into consideration it's best for the child. DS is a full boarder; but I don't only see him in the holidays. During each term there is half term, two or three long weekends out and the opportunity to go and see him most other Sundays. Telephone and e-mail contact are unlimited.

Of course I miss him; but it's about him not me

Sorry to quiz you vixatis but is there no possibility of your DS going to a day school that meets his needs? It just makes me sad to think that one day your DS will be grown up and you'll have missed so much of his life :(

By the way I know I'm totally projecting my own feelings onto you vixatis - I don't mean that you feel that way.

i would have so packed my kids off if i'd have had the money

Why custardo?

better education and no fucking about for me

Fair enough.

Cailin
Thank you for asking your questions in such a considerate manner.

DS is a bit of an odd proposition- very bright in some ways but struggles in others. If I hadn't believed that there are some very positive things about boarding I would probably have taken a school in London which meets his needs reasonably well; but not as well as where he is.

My job necessarily involves long hours and my husband's job involves a lot of travel. We don't see that much less of him at school than at home during the week. If we moved out to the suburbs and used state education then one of us could give up and be at home the whole time with DS. If he had really needed this we would have done it but there are good things which come from financial security- such as DS being able to come through university without debt and having the luxury of being able to take career risks with a view to a more interesting job than mine or DH's. He is also getting a fantastic education where he is.

It is for us, as for everyone, a question of weighing up all the factors and deciding what is best. I fully accept that boarding is a choice rather than a necessity. We see positives in boarding which not everyone does. It is not for every child but DS really and genuinely loves boarding, not least because of all the mischief involved. I see him so often that I don't feel that I'm mising much of his life

Thanks for that vixsatis (sorry I know I keep spelling your name wrong!). Your post rings a bell with me because I tended to plan very much for the future all the time - if I do this things will be better later etc. Then a couple of years ago I was very ill and suddenly my perspective changed. I now plan for a few months into the future but very much live for now. I've changed my view so much that I feel with my DS that he's here now but might not be here in a year or equally I might not be here so I'm making the most of him while he is around. I just wonder, if god forbid, anything happened to your DS would you feel differently about him being away so much? Again I realise I'm coming at it from a position of not really understanding, so if I've got it wrong I'm sorry.

I am so so wary of boarding schools because of the effect it had on my uncle, a quiet, bookish private person who went through utter hell at his public school as a boarder. He is 60 now and still bears the mental scars. But appreciate that was years ago and things may have changed. His time there made him struggle to form relationships he never married as cannot bear to share his personal space with anyone. I have a female friend of my age who is similar and also boarded and is still negatively affected. For the non mucking in type I would never consider boarding school in a million years

Cailin In your shoes my perspective might be very different; but it might not. We can each only work on how things are for us at the moment. I think it is difficult for children to board when they are worried about someone at home. Having said that, it can provide a bit of a buffer against the worst.

One of the things which I hadn't expected but which has impressed me enormously is how kind the boys are to anyone who does have anything difficult going on. One boy has been the subject of a ghastly custody battle and the mother of another has been ill. The others sort of circle the caravans and no-one is allowed to give those boys a hard time and they are to be allowed as much space as they need. One boy has been at home with Leukaemia and the only time when they stop fidgeting in chapel is when candles are lit for him.

I am sorry that you have been so ill. Your way of looking at life sounds a good one

vixsatis fair points all.

About not seeing your DS much during the week even if he was at home - is that really the case? My parents both travelled/worked long hours during the week but I still saw quite a lot of them - I stayed up pretty late as a teenager, partly for this reason.

However, I do see your point about telephone and email contact. We didn't have mobiles/email when I was a teen (at least, not till late teens) so it really would have been very limited contact - not the case these days of course. And weekend visits/weekly boarding seem to have become more and more common.

A bit of a tangent, but how did you manage your and DH's work schedules while your son was younger? I always wonder how it works where both parents have long hours/demanding jobs - as DH and I are wrestling with this very issue.

Also, (again being nosey as it is relevant to me!) what was less good about the London schools?

He's only 10, so I think school night bedtime would be about 8.30. I'm often not in until 8. Obviously this would change as he gets older.

Two demanding work schedules are a nightmare. We had a live in nanny who worked from 7 until whenever one of us got in. This was v. expensive! The really difficult thing was if DH was away and something came up at a weekend; but that only happended a couple of times. We now have a much cheaper au pair type arrangement to cover school holidays, although we both try and take as much of the hols off as we possibly can.

The London schools were not less good. We simply couldn't find as good a fit. DS was at a really top London prep but was just really unhappy because it pushed too far too fast and he lost confidence. The less pushy schools were not sufficiently ambitious in the subjects at which he is able. None of them was very near (and for various reasons moving was not an option) and he was wasting an enormous amount of time travelling. We had never intended to move him into a boarding school until he was 13 and for lots of children I think a really good fit can be found in London.

I have no experience of boarding schools an older friend of mine sent her son to an army boarding school , her husband used to be in the army , my friend had an illness which meant she couldnt look after her familiy as well as she would have liked and her son got the best education , OP i think you maybe think of old boarding schools where children were horsewhipped and sent to bed without dinner , Im sure modern boarding schools arnt like that , however i would never send my children , Im sure these kids are looked after ,

Thanks vix. Yes my parents were often not home till 8 something and we had a live in nanny who worked till then. As I recall I was often already in bed and they used to come straight up and say goodnight and have a chat (sometimes short sometimes long). It worked well for me but it must have been pretty knackering for them as I guess they wouldn't eat until 9.30 or so. Not sure there is any ideal solution really if both parents work long hours. But agree re the long term financial advantages of doing so...

I would never ever send my children to boarding school so agree with the OP. But you can't generalise about all families, boarding school may be best in some circumstances eg family difficulties, special needs etc

Well I live at a boarding school, and my views have totally changed, from thinking when we arrived that a lot of these parents must not really want to parent their kids, to realizing that it is a great option for the right sort of child. I think in the past it could be a pretty dreadful experience, but modern BS is pretty cool. What other 16 and 17 year olds have their own bar where they get to go and drink on a Saturday night? (Even if there are teachers there chaperoning...)

That being said, I know people who were absolutely miserable at boarding school. Which is why matching the right child to the right school is so vital.

Loveinacoldclimate - my DH also boarded termly from 10yrs and it has certainly come back to bite his parents. He is independent, self sufficient and hardened to a degree. After sending him from such a young age my PILs expect/demand a close knit family unit and can't understand why they don't have this close relationship with their son like others do. It has caused problems over the years between us and them to no end.

Our belief is that they chose to send him away when they didn't have to so they can't now expect him to be living in their pockets now he's a grown married father of his own children. They made him grow up and become independent way before most 10yr olds, so they have to accept what they 'created'.

Spirit72 - that's interesting. My DH is actually quite close to his parents, but I do think he's been quite damaged in lots of ways by being sent away so young (especially as his older sister was "too sensitive" to go so he knew she was at home with her mummy while he was packed off to cry himself to sleep). His stories about having his comforter taken away before by his mother before he went and wandering around corridors at 1am unable to sleep are heartbreaking .

He loved it from about 13, but it's obvious that prep school was hell for him.

DP went to boarding school and love the discipline and education he recieved. His parent's didn't want to ship him out, they still had another two kids at home, this is just what suited HIM best.

Stop judging and get on with your own parenting.

Another thing I will never get my head around is people who clearly value their careers and the lifestyles their salaries afford them, more than their children. For these people, children have to fit in around them whereas in my world I fit in around children, and that's the way I believe it should be. Some people seem to have the same approach to their children that others would to their pets - and often worse!

While they are dependent, your children should be central to your life and everything should be organised around them. That is what being a good parent is about to me. And if that means you change your life and need to make sacrifices after having them to do the best for them then so be it. All children need at least one parent to be there for them before and after school and whne they are off school, unless you can organise activities or alternative childcare for them. We are by no means well off but I would never consider working more than part time hours. My DH works full time so I have to work part time in order to be there for my DS before he goes to school and when he gets home. Between us we use our annual leave to cover most of the school holidays too. Sure, we could earn more money if I worked full time but why would I want to do that and miss out on being there for my DS when he needs me? Stuff the money. My DS is more important to me than a few extra quid a week.

And we'd rather stick pins in our eyes than send him off to boarding school for people who are paid to do so to look after him. I don't care how much of a "vocation" they consider it to be, no one can love and care for our child like I and his father can. He won't want or need us to do it for many years of his life and as far as we're concerned we owe it to him to do it for the years he needs us to do it. And we'll do it with absolute pleasure.

As a parent, if you're brutally honest with yourself and find that there are things further up your list of priorities than your children I think you need to have a long hard look at yourself.