to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

Dontsvet, very interesting post. LOL at 'I'd sooner sit on my manager's knee and discuss my menstrual cycle than open up to a house tutor.'!
It is true.

Whatever the pros and cons of boarding, I still think the OP is just wrong to judge other parents.

Don'tsvet your posts chimes very much with my own view on boarding.
Yes house masters/mistresses are good and kind people but there is no real emotional connection. They are professionals.

Also, they tend to be professionals who have been through the boarding system themselves and loved it...so a certain type who believes that this is A Good Thing.

At DC's prep school there is boarding and one of the house masters (though a super man) has never lived in a real house. His father was a house master, he then went away at seven, he went to Oxgridge and lived in college, then has been a teacher in boarding school.
How can he possibly empathise with a child who really reallt isn't cut out for it? He probably doesn't know that food doesn't come on a tray.

I didn't go to boarding school (but in many ways wished at the time I could and now think home life would have been happier for it - or if troubled sibling had been sent!) but have known people who did.

Ex colleague who got a scholarship for 6th form - absolutely, wholeheartedly loved it (she'd hated home life and school and spent some time in a psychiatric ward due to pressures of both. :( ).

Ex boyfriend went from 14 - no good schools for GCSEs near where parents lived (not forces but had a job where you had to live abroad). Some of his friends had been there since they were 4 - including 1 whose parents were missionaries! :( He'd helped choose the school and it was near grandparents so they saw him for odd weekends (parents were 14+ hour flight) and he had a 'great' relationship with his parents. Although IMO he was very scared to critcize anything about them - like he felt on shaky footing with them.

Young relative of mine chose to go at 14. Interestingly (well to me anyway), they are a forces family and the mother had chosen to stay in UK for the kids schooling. So she and DH lived apart since oldest kid was 4, but they went to him for the long holidays and he usually came to them for 1 other holiday. Older DD was fine. Younger DS chose BS - he actively chose which school he went to and completely loved it. It gave him opportunities his DM wasn't interested in providing/supporting and gave him a 'male' support network that he needed. He still sees his school friends 10+ years after leaving. The only people who suffered in the situation were the parents. They went from a happy family to living separately just so the kids did not go to boarding school, but after 20 odd years living apart they found they couldn't live together full time - they were only used to the 'special', 'make an effort cos we only have 4 weeks together' bits of life. So even though kids have now left home, the parents still live how they did when they were there and their relationship seems strained. :(

Oh and I knew his girlfriend for a while (they met at the BS school) and she was worried about her Dsis who was still there and was in with a crowd of bitchy competitive girls who were into being anorexic. :( although no saying it couldn't have happened at other schools too.

Oh and another relative of mine works in a BS. She is a very, very active housemistress as well as class teacher. Her flat is open house to the sixth form girls and she has a steady flow of girls talking about being dumped, exam stress, missing parents... and whatever. From what she says it is hard work as she is always on call, but she loves the work and from what she says the kids are very happy in the school once they've settled in.

I'd say I'd never send DS (although if he doesn't stop batting my laptop with a cardboard tube I'll be investigating the ones for 3 year olds someone mentioned! Grrr!) but if it was the right opportunity for him then maybe... as I do want the best education for him.

Oh and some of the ones mentioned on here sound amazing - I love the idea of stoppingat3 (hope I got username right!) seeing her DS every morning at pre-prep - bless! and the other one mentioned early on 1st page - own room? all mod cons? internet and tv? when can I move in?

The OP is just silly. My DSS2 has spent five weeks at boarding school two summers in a row. He is just made for boarding school and he and we would love to be able to send him all year round!

My son has been boarding since he was 8 and is now 10.

Sending him to board at 8 was not plan A but:

• he was really unhappy at his pushy London school: we wanted somewhere academic and which does not use the NC, but with good SN provision and a more rounded approach. We couldn't find this in London
• we both work long hours and weren't there sufficiently to support the homework etc
• Nannies are rarely up to the necessary level of academic support
• At 8 he had grown out of his Nanny
• He's an only child: boarding gives him quasi siblings
• he was wasting about 1 and a half to 2 hours a day getting to and from school: as a boarder no time is wasted. They work or do activities or just have fun with their friends

-he is a full boarder but even so is home for about five months of the year altogether -the matrons and sisters and houseparents are unbelievably kind and look after the boys really well -he can spend time messing around building dens in the wood, collecting conkers etc. without adult supervision. This would not happen in London -he is learning to live in a community. The boys look after each other. If any of them is homesick or going through a hard time the others are really supportive. -he is learning independence. I can't helicopter over his prep or fight his battles for him

• We have no battles about eg screen time because it is strictly limited by the school
• The school is comfortable. It is more spartan than home but given that the boys mostly come from relatively privileged backgrounds, that is no bad thing

The most important point is that, even though he moans about the food a bit and misses his cats he is incredibly happy. The Op should chat to a few boarding children before making such a sweeping judgement

I don't mean this in a confrontational way vixsatis but feel free not to answer if you don't want to. It's great that your son is happy and having a good time but don't you miss him? Don't you miss being able to go in and check on him sleeping at night and getting up with him in the morning?

CailinDana - a lot of families who send their children to boarding school these days do so because the parents are not at home to see their children every morning and evening, or even any morning and evening.

CailinDana
Of course I miss him. I miss him so so much; but it is not about me. It's about giving him what we beleive to be the best start.

There are only about 4 weekends per term when I don't get at least to take him out for lunch and I really look forward to the enormous hug and loads of kisses I get when he comes to meet me. When he's at home we have really good family time, lots of fun and chatting. His being away means that we really appreciate one another.

I also love making all his favourite meals and spoiling im a little bit when he's home.

I can see that boarding school is a better option for some children with SN, forces families and some familiesw here the home care and environment isn't actaully that good.

But if you are able to provide a loving family home, I don't see why boarding school where dcs are being looked after by people who might be great but don't love them, would be a good thing.

Actually have a relative who works in a very posh boarding school with great facilities. She provides a lot of the pastoral care to some of the girls. She says that some of the girls obviously feel abandoned and unloved by their parents and that the incidence of eating disorders is frighteningly high.

I think you are off the mark about spartan conditions - most I've seen seem to be really quite luxurious!

But I don't really understand at all how anyone wouldn't want their children to come home at night.

i guess to most people when they have a child their life is not their own anymore and they accept that, they cut back on working hours they see it as their responsibility to look after their children and provide a loving comfortable home for them

it is something that no matter how you wrap it up i can not understand why a parent would send their child away unless they had too. i have a friend who had to send their son to a special needs boarding school, he has autism and his violent outburst were becoming more frequent and putting her other children at risk and he had also been attacking her (very extreme
case) it has worked for him adn her family but broken her heart

wow. thats a big old sweeping assumption! I do have an issue with boarding for very littlies BUT crikey dont tar every situation with the same brush. Yes I boarded. I was a forces child. I started at 10 and left because I wanted to at 15. My parents did NOT want me out of the house, they wanted a better education for me, and they gave me the choice to go. They were right, it was a better education. If I could have gone as a day girl I would, but the option was board or nothing, so I boarded. We certainly werent given free access to the tuck shop (PMSL at that!!) or our pocket money for that matter. We certainly didnt live in 'spartan conditions' (again PMSL) - we lived in a house, with bedrooms that we decorated with posters and home comforts to our liking - not some sort of bleak dorm with horsehair blankets! I wasnt left vomming into my pisspot when ill - I was packed off to sick bay and my parents informed. I loved sick bay. We got to lie around in bed and watch daytime TV.
Sheesh!

Of course I's love to have him home at night; but taking everything together we have, like most other parents, just done what we believe to be best for our child. I repeat: it isn't about what I want. Loving one's child isn't about what one wants for oneself

Well no, but I like to think my children quite like being home at night, too!

My opinion is influenced by the creeping realisation that the parents of the people I know who've boarded rationalised it as 'better for their children' and 'they enjoyed it immensely' but...but. It meant the parents got to live where they wanted (in the middle of nowhere, a lifestyle choice which they no longer follow) and got to do what they wanted all the time. This is apparent as they have become grandparents and you see that they are made uncomfortable by the disruption that children bring.

I see now how (in their case, and I bet in more cases if people are being honest) it was far, far more selfish than they'd ever admit to. I confess that I slightly despise them for their choice: only because I can see how much it revolved around them and not the children.

I haven't read the thread but this in response to the OP. As a housemistress I find your post to be utterly ridiculous. Yes, there are some bad boarding schools, just like there are some bad day schools. And yes there are some bad teachers. But as someone who chooses to work 24 hours a day to look after children away from home and to make them as comfortable and happy as possible, and to have no life of my own because I have a vocation (which it is) to care for other people's children, I take offence at your insinuation-or direct accusation actually-that I or my colleagues are in any way neglectful. OF COURSE we inform parents when children are ill. And stay up with them all night if necessary, and take them to hospital when (God forbid) necessary, and do our absolute damndest to care for them to the absolute best of our ability. Your post is akin to saying 'all NHS nurses are shit and don't care about their patients'. How dare you make such generalisations.

There is no neccesity for boarding, thats a myth.

You choose your career, you choose to have children.

I wouldnt send mine personally

Haha at assuming all boarding schools are shite. Nob.

DH boarded as a child. He says he loved it (though he knew some children there who weren't suited, were bullied etc, they hated it). His siblings didn't board; his parents thought if he boarded there would be less disruption and arguing etc at home (ie all the normal things when you have children). He had a SATM, they lived in the UK, no reason to board really, other than making live easier at home. He accepts that his relationships with his family suffered; he went home for a brief period before university and felt that they had no right to enquire into his life etc; after all, he'd not lived as part of that family since he was child, so it was a bit late in the day for them to suddenly become concerned parents. He loves them and his siblings, but he has always felt a bit 'other'.

DH maintains that boarding can work for many children, as he thinks it did for him (I wouldn't agree actually, for many reasons, not just his family relationships). However, he would sooner cut off his arm than send our DD away; he has a physical need to see her everyday, as do I.

OP, you're being a bit daft, of course the children are not neglected in spartan conditions.

However, I do agree with knittedbreast's. It's up to each individual and family to make their choices, and don't judge most of them for doing so. But these are not choices I could ever make.

...knittedbreast's post

knitted I agree. It is a choice not a necessity. Making that choice, however, does not meake one an unloving parent. It just means making, usually in good faith a different judgement about what is best for one's child

LaPrune Of course there are selfish elements as well; but these are mostly of the "what is best for us all, as a family, in the long term" sort of considerations. My lifestyle wouldn't be very different if ds were (as originally planned) still at school in London. It is certainly not a case of getting a child off our hands or being uncomfortable with children. As I have said before, he is home for about five months of the year, which is absolutely lovely

Also I'm really sad about the posts where people experienced bad pastoral care from house staff. I've never had a forced conversation about piano practice! Girls frequently come and talk to me about their worries. I've had everything from coming out to boyfriend problems to parents who are terminally ill or dead to homesickness etc etc. I absolutely pride myself on being someone the girls can talk to openly and whenever they want to, and I make a point of checking on every girl, every day. I don't think I'm an exception either, the majority of house staff in schools I've worked in have felt that pastoral care is the backbone to the job-far and away the most important bit and for most of us, the whole reason we're there.

Pippa If you are anything like my son's house mother, you are an absolute saint

My PIL sent DH, an only child, to boarding school from age seven. Ten minutes from their house.

He says he can't remember the early years much, but was fine, and particularly enjoyed his teenage years. I think he was fairly well suited, and it was all he knew. They give fairly reasonable sounding explainations as to why. But I can't get to grips with the reality of them actually waving off their seven year old, much longed for son with a stiff upper lip. There were circumstances, yes, but they were not without choice. I hate to judge them, but even before I had my daughter I felt strongly I would never do it. They are loving parents, but their choices have affected their relationchip with their son, and they are all a bit distant. I love my PIL, but this I just can't understand and it affects how I see them. Wrong of me, maybe. But I just don't understand WHY.