to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

Kismowbe and minciepie my opinion would be if I felt my child was asking for that and was at an age to consider and be fully aware of the implications of what they were asking me to do for them, and we havd fully discussed it as a family, I would be prepared to look into it for them.

That's a totally different proposition than parents making a decision to send children away to board and to allow the children no input into the decision. That's an intrinsically selfish parent driven choice whereas the other scenario you have set out would be entirely child driven so is n ot remotely analagous in my view.

My original post was about parents who just send children (and most expecially young children).

I found the honesty of the woman down the thread who sent her child because she claimed there were no decent day schools around , he's "outgrown" his nanny and other nannies simply aren't up to scratch these days and boarding school provides him with pseudo siblings was quite horrifying.

Similarly the Dickensian views of the woman who proudly places her marriage above her children and says that people who make their children the centre of their lives while they're young and dependent are creating "tin pot gods" were quite startling.

Sadly, these are the sort of people who inform my views on SOME parents (and not the ones with special needs children) who send their children to boarding school and as long as they come along to trot out such views I will always hold the ones I do.

grovel very convenient for your SIL. Parenting is about being there for your chidlren and going through ages and stages with them isn't it? Is she proud that she dipped out of all that and left it to people who she paid to look after her child? I know I wouldn't be.

"Los of tears at the start but children soon take to it" LOL!!

I suppose your kids would soon take to it if you sent them to live with a random family 100 miles away too if you gave the notion that there was no point crying cos they bloody well had to! Does that make it a good idea?

I remember that programme to and that insufferable mother who sent the little girl away. Kids are very resillient and will cope with a lot of what is thrown at them and still bounce back (hence all the "oh they love it" comments). Most have had no choice so it's put up or shut up.

My 3 cousins went to BS from age 7 my girl cousin loved the experience and benefited from it enormously she is now an international lawyer and lives in Hong Kong, her dd is 8 and is coming over here to board from september as she says it gives you the best start in life. However her bro hated it and wasn't wanting to send their children but his wife is ex boarding school as well and she insisted that their daughters who are 15 and 12 be boarding school educated and both started at 11 and they both love it and they are definitely far more confident than they were previously.

If we had the money I think I would do independant day school but I don't think I could consider boarding even if money was no object. I think if you are from a boarding family and it has been done for generations without any problems you are probably going to send your children as you know nothing different!!!

I cannot agree with Perriwinkle that boarding is wrong, but I find it hard to understand how anyone can put their child into boarding before the age of 12 years old, without very convincing arguments. Please anyone, try and convince me that boarding is the best choice for a child under the age of 12.....

natation - I don't think it is the best choice for most under 12s but that does not make it a bad or an untenable choice. We have 7 and 8 year old boarders where I work who have been happy and well adjusted from day one but we also have 13 year old boarders who have never settled and have gone back to being day children - I think it's more child dependent than age dependent.

A couple of examples where I DO think that boarding was the best choice for a young child:

• 8 year old - total lack of a moral compass, very emotionally cold, no connection to parents at all (unclear as to why, parents seem lovely and younger child is very happy and well adjusted). Parents now both posted in remote area abroad (with younger child so not impossible but older child did not want to go). Child is now 11, still somewhat odd but has a very clear sense of right and wrong, likes things to be scrupulously fair and has made some friends for the first time ever. Still has a poor relationship with parents but it is significantly better than it was when they came.
• 7 year old - mother died, father totally falling apart, no extended family structure to build on. Child already attended the school as day pupil so it was no huge upheaval. School became the stability in child's life while father got back on his feet. Child is now 10 and back with the father 3 nights a week while staying in the boarding house for the other 4. Hoping to progress back down to 1 0r 2 nights boarding by the end of the year. Father learning how to relate to the child with direct help from the school (had always been a purely working parent with little contact with his children).
• 11 year old - very bright and multi talented, wanted to participate in all the activities offered by school. But has 2 severely disabled siblings and only one resident parent. Child was missing out and taking on a lot of carer responsibilities. Now a weekly boarder and getting the chance to be a child and fulfil potential.

I went to bording school and had a very positive experience. It was a charity school and was means tested so those on the thread who think boarding schools are for a certain social class are making a generalisation. I had a much better education than I would have at my local state school and still maintain very close relationships with a large group of my schools friends. That is another bonus of living together at boarding school - the lifelong friendships you forge. I also got access to fantastic facilities, teachers and opportunities and I am really glad I went.

I think it's really unfair to judge parents for sending their children to boarding school as the majority are doing so to give them the best start in life. However, I do think that you have to be very careful sending primary age children as they do need their parents. By the time children get to eleven they would generally rather be with their peers than their parents!

Oh this does make me cross!!! There are so many reasons why parents send their children to boarding school, and 99.9% of them start with the fact that they genuinely believe it is a good option for their children! I send my DS1 (and only) to boarding school, because I believed it would benefit him.

Do I miss my DS1? Of course I bloody do! He's 12, and he's a wonderful boy but was bored bored bored at his international school. No siblings, classmates leaving every term, no long standing friends around any more, no idea what nationality he is (or "which tribe he belongs to" as he put it, the list goes on. Do NOT be judgey, give us the benefit of the doubt PLEASE until you know differently. It's not funny having to defend your choice to aggressive non-boarding families, when inside you're trying not to snivel.

And for the record, it's particularly hard when you're not there for their birthdays. In case you're wondering.

Manic, in all those situations you mentioned it seems to me that boarding school is being used a sort of private Social Services to help children who have family or emotional difficulties. Those are rather extreme cases where the home life is particularly difficult. What about families where there are two parents, a fine home and no disabilities?

perriwinkle It is analogous - the only way to 'judge' if a parent is being selfish is to look at the experience of the person affected, ie the child/children.

If a child is happy, the parent has acted correctly. If a child is not, that parent needs to think again - peppajay's and manicinsomniac's examples are a case in point.

And this needs to happen just as much in non-boarding situations - it is fatally simplistic to define boarding school parents as horribly selfish and non-boarding school parents as totally unselfish.

The fact you do appreciate that older children might very well enjoy the experience shows that a little grey has entered the very black and white view of the situation that you had at the start, and your judgey knickers have slipped down to your tummy instead of covering your shoulders, so it's all to the good.

Viva live and let live!

PS I am dying to know where your Dickens-esque boarding school is - I just can't imagine it. Any clues?!

Thanks manicinsomniac. And Cailindana seems to have it spot on about manic's examples and they reminded me of a documentary I watched a long time ago as a child about a London borough's boarding school for children from disadvantaged backgrounds which was fighting against closure. I have no idea if these types of boarding school still even exist. I even stayed in one of these boarding schools as a teenager, called Swaylands school in Penshurst, Kent, which also closed down. It seemed a fantastic place, not that we saw what it was like when the children were there, we stayed there during their holidays doing a residential course - small dorms, grand building, huge open space, indoor swimming pool, big TV and games rooms, must have been quite a contrast to the environment which the children lived in when they were home.

Manic, in all those situations you mentioned it seems to me that boarding school is being used a sort of private Social Services to help children who have family or emotional difficulties. Those are rather extreme cases where the home life is particularly difficult. What about families where there are two parents, a fine home and no disabilities?

In a normal family set up I personally see no need for boarding school at all and wouldn't want to do it myself. But the majority of our boarders are from stable families such as those described above and love it.

If the parents are happy and the children are happy I see no problem.
If the children are happy but the parents are unhappy - mmm, don't know, totally up to the family to decide how much the children want it and how much the parents don't!
If the children are unhappy then it shouldn't be done. But most modern boarding schools won't keep a persistently unhappy child as a boarder.

natation Swaylands school has closed, but there are similar schools, e.g. New School which does wonders for troubled children with emotional and behavioural disorders, often from disadvantaged and disrupted backgrounds. It's not a state school though, so is very expensive (higher fees than the likes of Eton) and local authorities wouldn't pay for a placement unless the local schools can't cope with their behaviour, or the child develops severe psychiatric problems.

Sadly there are very few state specialist boarding schools like that any more. Most special boarding schools for SEN/SN (including emotional/behavioural disorders) are run by companies or charities, which means the LA would have to pay high fees to send children there, and they often refuse to do so. There are clear benefits to sending such children into a residential environment; they really benefit from the structure, waking day curriculum, consistent care from a team of staff outside school hours, access to therapies and professionals and access to extracurricular activities with support staff, which can be hard to arrange for SN children in their homes.

" I have no idea if these types of boarding school still even exist. "

IIRC, Southwark is re-establishing one. I'll see if I can find a reference.

Not Southwark - Lambeth! Earlier thread here. Ignore my cack-handed attempt to draw parallels to other parts of education policy in the borough - but the onwar links describe what they intended to do.

Can't see what is so horrifying about:
(i) my view that boarding provides pseudo siblings. He's not an only child through choice (and even if he were this would still apply) and the relationships which are built messing around in the dorm together are warm and strong and brimming over with laughter and daft private jokes.
(ii) my view that he had "outgrown" his Nanny. He had. She was great for very small children but was unimaginative with an 8 year old boy and did not fully share our views about the importance of education. She would not have been either willing or able to provide the educational back up (including in French, Latin, chronological history etc., up to age 13) required by the London school from which we removed him to go to boarding school

I did not say that there are no decent day schools. I said that there are none locally which would have been as good a fit as his current school. The school from which we removed him is one of the best in London; but it was not right for him and he was very unhappy there.

OP A few basic things:

• As Mrs. Gypsy says, we do it because, taking all factors into account, we believe it best for our children, not because we're too busy selfishly indulging ourselves one way or another
• They are home for about 5 months of the year
• It's not right for all children but my son absolutely loves it. Of course he loves coming home for the holidays; but he looks forward to going back as well. He would find your view quite laughable.

Not sure why I'm bothering to explain again. Mrs. Gypsy I'll join you for that glass of wine

I wouldn't do it simply because childhood is so short-looking back you blink and they are 18yrs (although it seems longer at the time)-and you miss huge chunks. However I wouldn't have a nanny either.
I wouldn't judge-I just wouldn't want to do it myself-and I don't think that my DCs have the right characters for it anyway.

There is no need for my children to board. We have a lovely, close, fairly well-off financially family with friendly, kind and talented children. No issues to do with needing to work away or abroad, no SN. I adore my children and spending work AND play time with them. I love the way their hair smells. I love the way they cuddle. I adore the way the little one still comes into bed with us in the morning and then lies across us headbutting one of us and kicking the other. I feel very involved in what they are doing at school, how they are doing in their subjects and who their teachers are. I help with music practice and drive the eldest to sports tournaments all over the county where the rest of stand freezing our arses off on the touchline screaming encouragement to her.

But from the age of 11, I know that there is a boarding school that would suit the eldest down to the ground. I am completely certain it is the right decision to make, based on all the evidence I have.

I see it not at all like I am palming her off onto some paid employee, rather I am adding something else and some other people to her life. A life which is 100% what I care about. I want her to exceed her own expectations and find her own passions to excel at. I want her to make life-long friends she will keep forever. I want her to do what she wants to do without having to commute 45 minutes each way, in this time of year in the dark both ways.

I will still have contact, with both her and those who will be working with me to raise a teenager. It's a mutual thing between home and school and can work incredibly well. You have heard of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child?". Well, a modern boarding school is a lot like that village.

I will still know my child as a person, I will still stand and freeze on the touchlines of pitches all over the place screaming my head off, I will still attend every concert and play performance she does, I will still know all her teacher's names and know what she's doing and how she's doing and where she's going on a weekend. I will hear about her life day-to-day. The difference is I think she will do better boarding than at any top day school I have seen. And, just as importantly, so does she.

LeQueen But surely that's the same as using a day school? The only sure fire way of being there for every single one of those 101 tiny events is to home educate. The minute you do start letting go, whether that's from 8-4 or for longer, other people become influential in your children's lives. (And frankly, home ed is not for me or my children!). I want my children to be influenced by people other than just us parents. I still want to reign supreme of course , but I am very, very secure in our ever-changing-and-evolving-but-somehow-still-constant mother daughter relationship that I do not feel threatened by inviting others in to help guide and educate.

It's not a justification or a rationale in particular...

stopping at 3 Are you for real? One of your reasons for sending DS to BS is because its a hassle taking younger DCs to collect him? Get real. Wow you will get photos and see him every third weekend. Rich children's care home.

I struggle to see how any mother can give up the chance to tuck their child into bed every evening or kiss them when they are sleeping and you've just seen something upsetting on the news. To be able to have a family meal round the table every evening to catch up on their day or just listen quietly to their chat and banter.

My three children are a mixed bag of mischief, laughter, emotions and regularly test my patience but I would never willingly send them away and pay for somebody else to care for them. I never boarded, did very well at school and secured a great career.

I am very keen on the 'it takes a village.....' but I think that it is a lot more beneficial to have your local community.
I can see that it is much easier with a teenager if they are boarding, the school gets them to knuckle down to homework and makes all the unpopular decisions like you must be in bed by....... and you can't go out on a Tues night etc. When they do get home all their best friends are in other parts of the country and so it is much easier not to have the peer pressure.
However-I don't think that I would want to miss out just to make life easier.