to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

I don't necessarily agree that being a good parent involves sacrificing everything to the alter of the children. I think a good family involves everyone having their needs taken into consideration and accommodated as best as possible. Life sadly, both in and outwit families is full of compromise.

I am afraid I take the opposite view point to you. My friends family work outwith the UK for her husbands job. It is important and interesting and he thrives on it. So does she. Their children have had some really interesting experiences growing up attending international schools in many different countries however the children (there are 3) are now approaching an age where exams loom and they are still refusing to consider boarding.

I, personally, feel this is selfish as an ill-timed move could destroy the kids chances of getting good qualifications to enable them to enter uni (eg. a move from country A which does international GCSEs to a country B where the school still does O levels). As there are 3 children relatively close in age it is highly likely that at least one will get caught up in the fallout over the next 4 years. The alternative is that one parents stays/ move on ahead with one/two child to establish new life while leaving another behind with the the remaining kids.

This IMO is not ideal at all.

I boarded in the UK very happily in the later part of senior school These children have a wealth of family and friends in the UK who would love to have them for exeats/ who if a nearby school was chosen would willingly go and cheer on rugby matches etc.

I think (and have said so) that my friend is sacrificing her children's education and long term needs (to get into a good university) to her own needs to be a nurturing Mother who is defined by her SAHM role. If they were back on a UK posting I would not be criticising her in this way I just really worry for her children's long term future.

Modern schools are not at all (or at least the ones I know of - several of my friends children board) like the OP portrayed.

Sometimes allowing your children to go away to school is the biggest and best sacrifice you can make for them.

While they are dependent, your children should be central to your life and everything should be organised around them.

I disagree. I think it's extremely bad for anyone to believe that someone else's existence revolves around them.

What I find odd about this thread is the OPs assumption that the choice is either cold, badly run school or nurturing home and hearth. There are huge variations in each. I see hundreds of day school children gorging on Greggs and sweets every day after school. I know boarders who loved school because home life was so bleak, boarders who loathed school, despite home life being brutal, day school pupils who hated every day and felt it was like surviving a war zone.

Personally I feel far too greedy for time with my DC to ever send them away, but see there are lots of reasons to send children away to school, and they are too complex to judge as an outsider.

I spent 2 years at boarding school and I don't recognise the OP's description. I was in a very comfortable boarding house with good food and house parents who took an interest in how we were getting on. No, it wasn't always easy living in that environment but that's the same if you're living with your parents. I also had lots of opportunities that I'd never have had being at a day school.

Santastrapon, which state boarding school is your daughter at?

I'm still waiting on offers of places at 4 state boarding schools for our 15 year old so I'm a bit nosy.

"...But, what I dodn't understand is why one parent can't stay in the UK, and provide a stable base for the children, while the other parent works elsewhere...but, we're informed, 'Oh no, to only see DH/DW other every few months/weeks would wreak our marriage, and ruin the relationship, and how would that benefit our children...'

...and yet, somehow magically putting your children in boarding school, and only seeing them every few weeks/months apparently doesn't wreak that relationship at all, and actually can make the parent/child bond stronger and better for everyone...

Very confusing..."

And very selfish too LeQueen

You're absolutely spot on in all you say and you have 100% illustrated my argument that for some people other things are higher up their list of priorities than their children. That's not the way it should be if you bring children into the world.

I say to people like that, stick to dogs and cats. You'll find that you can pick them up and put them down when you want and it's far cheaper to stick them in boarding kennels when you really can't be bothered with them and they're proving an obstacle to you getting on with your life.

I think we've had this discussion before LeQ, I agreed with you then and I agree with you now!

Perriwinkle, when you finally grow up, you will see that life isn't always b;lack and white. You will also realise that your kids walk all over you because you have created little tin pot gods who think that they are at the centre of the universe for you and everyone else. I have taught kids like that...they weren't pleasant, and their parents were pushovers, who weer more concerned about being their dcs best friend, than actually being their parent.

LeQ -' But, what I dodn't understand is why one parent can't stay in the UK, and provide a stable base for the children, while the other parent works elsewhere...but, we're informed, 'Oh no, to only see DH/DW other every few months/weeks would wreak our marriage, and ruin the relationship, and how would that benefit our children...'' I've been there - done the staying in UK for 2 years whilst dh worked abroad, and saw him, if we were lucky, once every six weeks. It is not sustainable or healthy in the long term, and for some Forces families, you can be talking 6+ years like that.

Much as I love ds, I was married to dh before ds was born, and I do plan to have a life with dh after ds has left home. To that end, ds will be boarding at sixth form college from next September. He has been involved with choosing the college; he realises that it provides a great education and a wider range of A levels than he could do at his international school abroad, and also realises he will have more freedom there than I would give him here. As he would be leaving home at 18 to go to Uni, I don't think 2 years in a safe city in the UK, learning to do his own washing, manage his own money, getting some street smarts and having his corners knocked off by living communally will hurt him. It also means I don't have to move him half way through A levels. He is going where I went almost 30 years ago, and I would go back like a shot. I did several things I know my Mum would have disapproved of; and I hope ds will do the same. I had the best two years there, and I think he will too.

I say to people like that, stick to dogs and cats. You'll find that you can pick them up and put them down when you want

OMG- don't say that on the Doghouse or you'll get your head torn off . Dogs are at least as important as children don'tchaknow?

I never understand why people think there is one answer for everyone. Each DC and family situation are different.
I know families where DC have been kept with the family and moved around schools and they would have loved to have been in boarding school instead. I know some who were in boarding school and would have preferred any alternative.
People are far too complex to make a judgement based on yourself.
Life would be simple if it was a simple case of black and white.

Perriwinkle, not all families have the luxury of having one parent working part time to be able to have a parent there always after school etc, often both parents work full time in order to provide sufficient income to cover the whole family. Money does not grow on trees (with the exception of those who are not working at all perhaps). We have always been lucky that I have been able to work part time for the past 15 years to be there for our children, at quite a financial loss, but I could only do this because my husband earned enough! I wouldn't judge any family with 2 full time working parents as bad, just because they put their children in child care for a proportion of their waking hours.

Yes there are a few responses on this thread where I have though poor kids that they are put in to boarding school when they could be at home, but I'm not going to publicly judge those parents and tell them I think they are wrong, it's their personal choices. Goodness knows what Perriwinkle thinks of us though, as we are about to put our son into UK state boarding school, as we are posted abroad as crown servants and we have had fees for international school for our 15 year old removed in government cut-backs. So the choice was either move 3 other children (locally educated and bilingual) and mother back to the UK temporarily for 2 years in order to be at home after school Mon-Fri with a 15-17 year old and leave father here, or father, mother, 3 other children remain here and 15-17 year old boards during the week in a UK state boarding school, coming back here or to grandparents at weekends.

I too am horrified by the OP. I work in a boarding school and the description of harsh conditions and children being left to be ill in the night is pure Dickens rather than the reality of what boarding actually provides. There have been plenty of great responses to the myths about boarding but I think a couple of things still need clarifying (apologies if I have missed them as I've read through). The reasons for sending a child to a boarding school are far more varied and complex than simply parents wanting to get their kids out of the way. Apart from forces children, we have also seen an increase in students who have been carers for ill parents, children who have been orphaned and 'looked after' children who have a background that would make you weep. We also see children sent here by parents to get them away from 'inner-city' life and real fears about them falling in with gangs or the wrong crowd. In all these cases and more, we provide a stable home life where they are allowed to be children yet are given a great education to boot. I am incredibly proud of the input we have into the lives of our young people and have watched children arrive with poor social skills or emotional intelligence and little self confidence/belief, leave us after 7 years with real hope for their futures, wonderful, profound friendships and a stable background that would otherwise have been lacking.
It is also important to point out that although we act in loco parentis we don't pretend to be their parents and nor would the students want us to pretend we are. We make decisions that are always in their best interest but ultimately parental decisions are just that. We are in regular contact with the parents with regards to any illness and how horrific to suggest that these children do not feel cared for or face the prospect of vomiting in the night without anyone there to soothe them or care about them? I will add though that after 7 years of living with the students and worrying about them, listening to them, crying with them sometimes, you would be in the wrong profession if you didn't feel something akin to parental love for them.

LeQueen you're absolutely spot on yet again.

ScaryTeacher I can assure you that my DS is not a "tin pot god". He is a very well adjusted, confident, well behaved, mature for his age and happy child. He is also his own person but maintains a very healthy respect for his parents who, believe me, are no pushovers when it comes to discipline. I think your broad-brush comments about children speak volumes about you.

My DS is simply being treated as I know millions of children are and have been for centuries - ie being loved and well cared for by their parents while they are totally dependent on them.

One of the things I love and respect so much about my DH is that he is a fantastic, caring, loving, protective father who is so supportive of us as a family. He places his role as a father (as I do mine as a mother) above anything else. Being parents has made our relationship much closer than it ever could have been. Our DS is absolutely integral to our happiness as a couple. He adds to our marriage and partnership, he doesn't take anything away from it. I totally agree with LeQueen when she says that both my DH and I would feel a huge hole in our lives if our DS wasn't around and was living away at school. We wouldn't feel fulfilled and we'd feel very guilty too.

Yes, when he leaves home and become more independent our lives together and our marriage will adapt and we will become "just us" once again for the most part but there is a time for that and I do not feel that time is when our child is still so heavily dependent on us as his parents.

Marriages go through stages and if you feel your mariage is not up to coping with the stage where children are the priority in it then I don't think it's a very strong marriage in the first place and you must really feel quite insecure in it. Yes, marriages must be nurtured and cared for too but so must children and like it or not, the role of a parent is to care for and be there for their children. A marriage has to be up to that and it helps the marriage grow. I couldn't respect my DH if he was the sort of man who sulked or became unreasonable about not being my number 1 priority and I know he'd feel the same way about me.

Parents who have children with special needs (physical, mental or behavioural disabilities or difficulties) and send them away to schools to board for extended periods of time are usually doing so for a very good reason and are very clearly acting in the very best interests of their children. They are a separate case in my view.

Parents who send young, dependent children away to board simply because they feel it either offers wrap around childcare, or because they want to live with their forces DH/DW overseas and not stay in the UK to provide a solid base for the children they've chosen to have are dipping out of parenting IMHO for their own selfish reasons.

LeQ: what if your children wanted to go to boarding school? And the boarding school seemed so much better a fit for them than any of the local day schools?

I am on the fence really. I cannot imagine ever wanting to send my DC away to school. But then, my DH loved his boarding school, and had great experiences there that days schools simply don't offer. I wouldn't want to deny my DCs those experiences if they wanted them... just because I would miss them.

minciepie, I think that's a really valid question.

perriwinkle, would you comment on my and minciepie's posts? I'd be interested in your take on the fact that all three of us loved boarding in our teens (even my older bro who hated it when he was tiny). My younger brother asked to become a boarder at his school where yo had the option of both.

I really don't think it's as black and white as 'boarding school parents are selfish and evil/day school parents are wonderful'.

WRT children wanting to go to boarding school, I think that totally depends on age. I wouldn't let an 8 year old make any such life-changing decisions - I don't think a child that young can really understand what they're asking for. However, if a teenager asks to go and it's affordable then I think it's sensible for the parents to look into it and see if it really is the right option.

TBH though if my DS asked to go even as a teenager I'd probably say no because I would still want to be as closely involved in his life as it's possible to be with a teenager. I know from experience how little teenagers tell their parents so if I didn't see him regularly I would worry about what was going on in his life. At least if you have a quick face to face chat every evening you can hopefully pick up on any difficulties they might be having.

Totally unreasonable. Couldn't bear to do it myself, but there are many different family circumstances and expectations. A television program on boarding schools earlier in the year gave quite a balanced look at boarding. Plenty of tears from kids and parents at the start, but most did seem to take to it and then enjoy being amongst their contemporaries, almost like a long summer camp. It must really work well for some families, and some kids. So please don't judge too quickly.

I was a day girl at a big public school where it was about 70/30 boarding. Most of us wished we were boarders. I would have preferred to board.

My SiL sent one DD to a boarding school and the second DD to a day school. She has a much better relationship with the boarder. No clashes at all in the teenage years.

SiL (slightly flippantly) says that she "outsourced teenage angst" and "kept the lovely bits".

That's pretty much the experience of most in my boarding peer group. There is a WORLD of difference between a 8 year old boarding and a 13 year old boarding, something the OP has not really considered.

CailinDana we didn't get up to a great deal, a bit of smoking behind the bikesheds and whatnot . We were gently monitored all the time, and anorexic weightloss or personality changes due to, say bullying, were picked up on very quickly as they knew us so well.

As for getting up to mischief - far harder to escape from a large walled property with patrollers and angry teachers than to sneak out of a private home. People who want to push boundaries are going to do it at home OR away, and it's probably physically easier at home. Boarding school can be a safe place for people with difficult home lives.

It wasn't all a bed of roses, but then I don't think growing up is anyway. I wasn't the life and soul of the party (quite sensitive and eccentric) and I still made phenomenal friendships, some of which are now 23 years old (12-35). I also learned how to function on my own two feet and found the transition to living away and holding down a job incredibly easy whereas some of my local non-boarding friends took months and months to adjust.

It really, really isn't black and white.

What about keeping the kids at home, and us mums boarding?

That sounds much more sensible :)

(Well and truly had enough of my brood - if any of you super-mums want them, they're going cheap :) )