to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

not something i would ever consider and can no treally understand why parents do it through choice. i know a few who have been and they either loved it or hated it

but some have little choice

Children don't need an institutional environment, they need a family and a community around the family.
All the other reasons/justifications are just adults putting their own needs first rather than the childrens. If you are going to do that at least have the self knowledge and honesty to say that and don't dress it up as something that is for their benefit.
ALL children benefit best from a loving family and access to the community around that family.

I don't really have a strong opinion about boarding schools, never having gone to one myself. But I don't think sending an 11 year old to boarding school sounds nearly as harsh as sending a 3 month old to a day nursery from 8am to 6pm every day. That I am judgey about.

I completely disagree, Shagmund. Yes, there are people who went to boarding school who are damaged by the experience. There are those who are better off because they did go to boarding school and escaped the loveless families you describe. But there are also those who went and who come out the other side as human beings with strong loving relationships with their families. There are also those who go to day schools and are damaged, despite living in loving family environments. Just because it was wrong for you doesn't make it wrong full stop. You don't have to send your children to boarding school, but why should that stop others from doing what they think is best?

I wouldn't send mine to boarding school, but that's because I can't afford the fees. And even I'd concede that 4 and 21 months is a bit young. Later, maybe, if it was right for them and I'd won the lottery.

I suppose my perspective is a bit different because I'm in Aus and most of the boarders at my school were from remote rural areas where educational opportunities were limited or completely unavailable.
I would only consider sending my DSs to boarding school if we were in this position or if in their final years it would help them to make the most of their education.

I agree that children do best in a loving caring home, but I think that many (not all) young adults/teens do really well when they are given the freedom/responsibility etc that comes with boarding school.

Both my parents went to boarding school because they lived on farms, miles from the nearest school, and this was the 1950s so it wasn't easy to drive big distances daily.

My Dad didn't like it, but my mum LOVED it. Think St. Clare's. She was in touch with her school friends until the day she died. I was gutted when they said I couldn't go to boarding school.

I would never send mine, though - couldn't bear the idea of it.

As for eating crap, we lived alongside Harrow School when in the UK and those boys pretty much single-handily keep the newsagent and the mini-market across the road afloat. They all have accounts there and are in there between every lesson bulk-buying sweets and crap.

I have to say though, that to the casual observer, they all seemed remarkably content with their lot.

And yeah, like Bubbaluv, all the boarders at my school were from rural areas, so at boarding school for entirely practical reasons. Most of them loved it, although the 5-day boarders more than the 7-dayers.

"Why should my bright daughter (hypothetically) be trumped by your bright son? Why why why?

Life's not fair. Are you going to send your child to a school with only one teacher, no books, no computers and shared pencils because lots of children in the world only get that? No? Well I'm not going to limit my children's opportunities simply because not everyone has as much as I do. Nor will I fail to provide the best medical care I can just because there are children who don't have access to it.
I will, however, make sure that they grow up with a solid understanding of the responsibilities their privileges come with. They already send their old toys to an orphanage in Cambodia which I hope to take them to visit when they are a bit older...etc etc.

We don't live in a world where everything is dealt out evenly but we ALL try to make the most of what we have for our children's sake.

Shagmundfreud

"And children who board experience much less casual physical affection from their parents than children who are at home. But then maybe they come from families who don't value or enjoy touch so much."

Would enjoy reading the whole evidence based thesis .

(winky thing - can't do the smileys)

Shagmund

You and your family had a bad experience at BS. Got it . Not everyone does.

Why not send new toys to that orphanage in Cambodia? Why should they only receive children's (and adults) cast offs? That's not going to do much to teach privileged children in the West!

If you really want to improve awareness of world inequality and poverty, make them buy new or send their allowance.

Wicked trouble-making (wink)

Most of the toys were actually pretty new and my boys don't get an allowance.
Anyway, I actually think they learned more from sending toys that they felt they were giving up than sending stuff they had no attachment to. Also, I could only afford to send a 10th of what we sent if it were all new. Lots of what they sent were their birthday and Christmas presents from the last year as well as a full climbing frame they have out-grown.

I couldn't work out how to make my reply sound less trite.
I know your post was at least partially tongue in cheek, but my sense of humour has abandoned me and so as I typed I realised I sounded unbearably up my own @rse.
Sorry - I'm normally much more chipper - am leaving the kids at home with DH tonight and heading out with my girlies which should improve matters no end.

Actually I apologise for what I posted, bubbaluv. It was not a good thing to say.

My only excuse is that I'm on call tonight, tired and stroppy. Sorry...

YABVU

How can you generalise like that? People live in different circumstances and one family will have different needs to another.

YABU. I would have loved to go to boarding school (had a emotionally/physically abusive mother, so boarding school would have been my idea of heaven).

Also, you are very judgey.

I imagine a lot of posters are extrapolating from an age where boarding was done without consulting the child simply because it was the done thing in that particular class. I'd be surprised if that is still as common these days, apart from those families who have no choice due to overseas posting or living in extreme rural districts.

I imagine the freedom and responsibility thing has also changed as boarding school is very different these days.

When I visited an English boarding school (lovely caring place) as a Swedish teenager the thing that struck me was how babied they were: great big 16yos could not go into town without being accompanied by a friend and telling a teacher exactly where they were going, and then only on 2 days a week, for periods of a couple of hours. Understandable from the pov of the school, but from my pov hardly fostering independence: I held my friends at home spellbound with tales of boarding school cotton wool.

They did have lovely activities but to me, coming from the outside, it seemed so strange to have everything you did organised by (caring) adults when you were pretty well grown up.

I went, sometimes I loved it, mostly I hated it and was desperately homesick. My little sister was sent very young and still has issues, scared of the dark etc.

In hindsight I realise that we were sent because my parents Could Not Be Arsed. My dad was away a lot and I realise now that my mum didn't really like us as kids, we get on ok now though. There was a lot of talk at the time though about it being the "Best Thing" and necessary for continuity of education (forces family) blah, blah.

As a parent now though, I could never send my children away. I have a child with SN and there seems to be an assumption that when he gets older and more challenging then Boarding School will have to be considered. This Will Not Happen and I get quite bothered when it is suggested.

For me, with my experiences I do not agree with sending children to Boarding School though obviously in some cases, as always there are exceptions, eg parental abuse etc.

Personally I do NOT understand why anyone would do it if they didn't have to.

I think it's very unreasonable that there are no state-funded boarding schools for 3 year olds who throw a lot of tantrums

My sister was sent at age 4 picklepost and the tax payer paid as we were forces. So not too far away from your post.

Many of my friends, colleagues, family etc. have been to boarding school. Some loved it. Some didn't. Just like my friends who went to day schools. I think you have to look at the individual child and the individual family.

However, I would dispute that going to boarding school destroys a parent-child relationship. Yes, sadly, some people (a tiny minority) do send their children to boarding school to "get them out of the way" but those people wouldn't have been any better parents if the children had been at home.

I'm open to the idea but not till secondary age and then only if instigated by the DC. e.g. If they said "I'd like to go to boarding school" I'll discuss it with them and if they really mean it, then fine, they can go.

The only thing I dont want is for them to be day pupils in a predominantly boarding set up as I think that's when you feel neither here nor there.

there are, it's called playgroup!

This is an interesting topic for me and feels very conflicted.

I boarded from 8 to 18 and my parents only lived 45 minutes from the school. There were day pupils that had longer journeys in than I had. I guess there were no mitigating circumstances for my parents in mumsnet judgement. I suppose I went for literally the "old school" reason.

However I did and do have a great relationship with my parents. But I think that is due to what one poster wisely before stated that my parents are great people and always very active in taking me out and supportive. Also it was always lovely to be home. And when I was at home it was just for fun and to relax. No homework, no activities , no pressure. I also got an excellent education, brilliant results and it paved the way to an interesting future and, true to cliche, made me very independent.

BUT I know I would never send my children to boarding school.

The reason is the pastoral care. I am quite young and came after the big upgrades in boarding - individual rooms, houseparents, personal tutors, spanking new facilities which were the best that money can buy - but on a day to day level it still is what it always was: your friends are your substitute for a family and you sink or swim with them.

Houseparent/s spend almost all their time on routine tasks - roll calls, food and medicines for the 1 or 2 that are ill, discipline punishments, disputes, stationery, exeat requests, lights out, lock up etc. Personal contact with pupils really has to be brief and is usually surrounded by many other people. The idea (not just for me,but to any of my friends or my friends who went on to other senior schools) that you would tell these people your personal issues let alone embrace them is frankly fucking ludicrous. I'd sooner sit on my manager's knee and discuss my menstrual cycle than open up to a house tutor.

For years I couldn't understand why twice weekly these people would pop in for a brief strained chat about piano practice . But now I realise - ticking the Pastoral care box . Not bad people but the whole scenario simply does not in anyway replicate what you can get from family. And what I did get from my family (in the holidays).

Whew! Always wanted to say that.