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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

289 replies

Perriwinkle · 15/12/2011 20:18

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 20:28

YABU to judge all parents who use boarding and all boarding schools as horrible places to be. Some parents have valid reasons to need boarding schools and some boarding schools are lovely.

YANBU to think it is odd that parents would want to send their children away all week or all term if they are younger than about 14. In most cases, I don't get it either.

EdithWeston · 15/12/2011 20:34

"Many say that ..."

Yeah. Right.

You might be judgy, and of course that is your prerogative.

I think the picture is vastly more nuanced and individual families' circumstances vary; so I wouldn't dream of making a blanket statement.

GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 15/12/2011 20:37

I went to a pretty nice boarding school actually, cost my parents nothing and the teachers who did the overnight care were actually really lovely. Did my family situation no end of good, and I got to come home at weekends.

Stereotyping isn't the best thing to do if you are being judge-y

BlissfulMistletoe · 15/12/2011 20:37

is that also aimed at forces parents, who children have to move around alot.

sometime it is better for children to go to boarding school

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 15/12/2011 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 15/12/2011 20:38

I thnk it is shit parenting. Simple. Have a kid and ship them off to boarding school because you can't be arsed to parent them 7 days a week.

PointyLittleDonkeyEars · 15/12/2011 20:38

Personally I'd never do it - why farm your children out after you've gone to all the trouble of having them? I couldn't bear not seeing my children every day, and providing there were decent day schools in the area I'd be pretty Hmm about parents who chose boarding in that situation.

However, in some situations - Forces children, very serious special needs - it is simply the only option.

WoTmania · 15/12/2011 20:39

YABU - most boarding school aren't like that anymore. I went as a day girl to a school that had boarders. Most of them loved it.

LoveInAColdClimate · 15/12/2011 20:40

YABU to judge everyone when you don't know their individual circumstances. But I must admit that I judge my PILs very harshly for sending DH to boarding school (termly) when he was seven and incredibly homesick. The cruelty of what they did to him (as I see it) does affect how I see them.

FiveHoursSleep · 15/12/2011 20:42

I agree with you. I went to boarding school and hated it so can't see they serve any useful purpose for anyone who doesn't live miles from any decent school, whose parents move around a lot, or as respite in the case of some special needs. Maybe when they are older teenagers, it's a good introduction to independent living but otherwise it's for parents who Can't Be Arsed.

SantasStrapon · 15/12/2011 20:42

Judge away. DD2 will board whilst doing her GCSe's. And having been round the boarding house, I can assure you it is nothing like you seem to think. Spartan is not the word to describe a Georgian house, set in it's own grounds, with tennis/netball courts, a games room inside, gorgeous sitting room and dining room, and lovely, private bedrooms. The House Parents live on site with their DCs, they have proper, home cooking, tea and cake when they get back from school, and access to help with their homwork. TVs and internet in their bedrooms, Organised outings every weekend, film nights, etc.

I would have loved to have gone to DD2's school. It's a state, boarding grammar school too, and I cannot fault it. It is a privilege for her to go there.

manicinsomniac · 15/12/2011 20:42

YABU

For a start you have a very odd idea of boarding schools. I teach in one and a) the tuck shop is open once a week. It only sells sweets and they are allowed 100g. That has to last them the week.
b) 'spartan conditions'?!?! - they are in dormitories on no more than 6, they have their own duvets etc from home, big comfy sofas, beanbags and tables in every dorm, free access to the boarding parents' flats, their own common room with sofas, games tables, tv and sound system and acres and acres of woods, fields and sports pitches to play on. They get taken out on a trip every weekend including one overnight stay a term.

Some parents choose to use boarding schools because their children want to go or because they feel it is an experience they should have. SOme parents feel like they have to use boarding schools because of their own family or work circumstances.

I wouldn't want my children to board personally (though the oldest has done one night and wants to do another one soon - odd nights are just sleepovers really though) but don't judge other parents either positively or negatively. The boarders where I work have a fantastic experience. It's not one that many would choose but so what?

NormanTebbit · 15/12/2011 20:43

Was talking to friends who boarded as teenagers. One was a forces child, the other's father worked in Africa and the international school was rubbish. They have mixed feelings. They talk about the boredom of weekends, the long Sunday evenings before the others came back on Monday. But I think their parents feel worse about it.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 15/12/2011 20:43

You are wrong to judge. Simply that.

SantasStrapon · 15/12/2011 20:43

Oh, and it is entirely her decision to board. She wants to board because she feels it will help her achieve higher grades, and she is very ambitious.

Chundle · 15/12/2011 20:44

My dad was in the forces we moves around a lot as did my mates. None of us went to boarding school. I grew up fine and got a degree some of my mates who went to numerous schools all over the world are doing extremley well for themselves! Provably better than if they'd been sent to boarding school.

I do love fabbys take on life :)

Firawla · 15/12/2011 20:46

i lean towards yanbu as i just cant imagine how a mother would be able to bear sending her dc away like that!! but then for forces families or those kind of situations i understand its sometimes seen as the best option, and i know some dc do really enjoy it but it would break my heart to send my dc and not see them so if i knew of someone sending their children away for school i would probably really be wondering how can they do it!?!? i would feel a bit sad for the children, but hopefully they will be looked after properly.
if they are ill and just puking all alone in the night with noone to care for them that is awful!!!! im sure the school nurse may look after them a bit? (i hope so..)

nursenic · 15/12/2011 20:48

I went to BS. Many fellow pupils were there because parents were in the forces or other foreign services.

But I must admit I find it hard to to imagine an un-self serving rationale for sending children from a young age to board especially when so many of my class mates had one parent at home (not in out of the home paid work). A good education is not limited to BS's. Plenty of great day schools were located near to my BS.

Would like to see somebody admit honestly that the reason they sent their children away to board was because they didn't want them at home all the time.

GingerWrath · 15/12/2011 20:48

Here we go again!

TherapeuticVino · 15/12/2011 20:49

My daughter is a day girl at a boarding school and is very jealous of the boarders as it's more like a nice hotel with the added bonus of all your friends being there. Not the picture you're painting at all OP!

reelingintheyears · 15/12/2011 20:50
Chulita · 15/12/2011 20:50

I grew up abroad and went to boarding school. My parents didn't want to send me but there was no choice if they wanted me to grow up able to speak English. They hated it, we loved it. My best friends were made at boarding school and I still miss it and my friends 11 years on.
Having 2, nearly 3 dc myself I can't see how my parents could do it, but they did and I'm very grateful they were brave and selfless enough to send all 5 of us.
YABVVVU to lump everyone in the same boat.
(fwiw the school I went to was in East Africa and wasn't full of 'home comforts')

SantasStrapon · 15/12/2011 20:50

I'm never too sure which planet Fabby's from, tbh Chundle. It's not one I inhabit, that's certain.

Mishy1234 · 15/12/2011 20:51

I think it depends on the age of the child and also their personality.

DH boarded, but only in the second half of senior school and it was his choice (his parents were moving to the other end of the country). He says it was a great experience, but then it wasn't forced on him.

I wouldn't want a primary aged child to be away from home, but I wouldn't rule out sending an older child if there was a need (specialist tuition in music for example).

nursenic · 15/12/2011 20:51

I was referring to younger children in my earlier post. The decision made by a teenage child asking to go to BS is very different to sending away young children even if they state they are ok with going.