to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

[Perriwinkle]

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

'Forces parents maybe a different case but to be honest I'd rather see my DH go off overseas alone on postings than leave my children in a boarding school so I could spend all my time with him. It'd be more importnant to me to maintain a home for my children and keep them with me. It's horses for courses though I suppose.'

Yes, it is horses for courses. Have you actually tried to do the dh abroad and you in UK bit? If not, don't comment. I have done it, and it was not fun. Those who board their kids because they have a foreign posting may be doing the best thing for their family. I can't say that I've noticed that a home doesn't exist because the children board. Of course their home is maintained; they will spend more time at home than at school, as the private school holidays are longer than the state ones. You might also want to consider that if you are due to be posted as we are, in the first term of Year 13, then boarding is the obvious choice, so A levels in our case are not disrupted for ds. The alternative is to leave dh here again for another 2 years and take ds back to UK, (at your expense taxpayers) and then I move again (again, at your expense), to rejoin dh wherever he happens to be at that time.

'And children who board experience much less casual physical affection from their parents than children who are at home. But then maybe they come from families who don't value or enjoy touch so much.' Bloody rubbish - I haven't noticed that my godchildren, or my nephews don't get hugged. Ds will get more concentrated casual physical affection when he goes to board as I will have to hug him for a week solid before he goes off.

Rock - you clearly value your children's academic achievements very highly.

I think if you want your children to be high-fliers and you value that above their experience of day to day life as a child within the bosom of a loving family, then boarding school makes sense.

I agree there is a big difference and I think the boarding school option is likely to the far superior choice.
I would never send a baby off to nursery for all their waking hours, but would certainly consider sending my boys off to boarding school (for high school) if we find ourselves living somewhere without access to top-rate schools.

It will, however, depend on what my boys are like at that age. Some kids just aren't suited to a boarding environment, so I won't make any big decisions until closer to the time.

Panto - I think your political views kind of make the rest of your argument a bit redundant. Using your cooking-thread analogy, it's like being a vegetarian and entering a thread discussing the relative benefits of roast lamb vs roast beef. Can I ask though, if not everyone can afford a nanny, then why are you happy for people to have nannies - isn't that another inequality of access issue?

YABU... You obviously have no experience or appreciation for why some parents choose boarding school or sometimes have it forced on them. I went to boarding school for 3 years from the age of 13-16, I had to go because my parents (both Army) were posted somewhere I could not go to school (no secondary service schools in the country). They chose the closest boarding school they could (2 hour flight as opposed to 14 hours back in the UK). My Dad took me and when he left me there I was devastated and so was he (it's the only time I've seen him cry). But with time I settled and made amazing friends and had an amazing time. My relationship with my parents remains excellent and I feel I'm a better person for the experience.

So judge them if you like but I in return will judge you for being narrow minded, ill informed and judgemental.

i find it very offensive when people who went to eton run the country

I just discovered that there is a state boarding school here in Aus - now that's a bit different isn't it!

YABU.

Your argument is never going to get off the ground OP because you don't really seem to have the first clue about 'conditions' in a contemporary boarding school.

Should add - my dad was a diplomat and my siblings and I went to boarding school because my parents formed the view that we couldn't get a reasonable education locally (my parents lived in India, Thailand, Kenya, Sri Lanka and the US as we were growing up). I know now that we could have had a perfectly decent education in all of these places and the schools that we attended there before going off to board were delightful, and full of interesting and eccentric teachers. It wasn't exactly like my parents would have been forced to send us to a huge, violent, failing comprehensive. But then they were surrounded by Oxbridge graduates whose idea of shameful failure was not being able to get your children into a top university.

Both my parents came to bitterly regret the years of normal family life we missed out on during this time.

'i find it very offensive when people who went to eton run the country'

Why? At least you know they've been educated well. Many, many different types of people go to Eton, y'know. (Or don't you?)

"but would certainly consider sending my boys off to boarding school (for high school) if we find ourselves living somewhere without access to top-rate schools."

If your child is very bright, hard working and is well supported, they will achieve highly at any decent school. They don't need a 'top-rate' school to do well, just supportive parents and a good educational environment.

I don't have particularly strong political views. I do believe that all children shoudl have access to a GOOD education and also have access to good sports facilties outside of school, so if they want to swim, play tennis, play football etc they should be able to do so at mimimal cost.

I don't agree that parents put their dcs into boarding school as that is the ONLY way the dcs can avail themselves of said activities without putting the parents out. I have no truck with this pastoral care and weekend activities bollocks.

I don't think pro and anti boarders will ever see eye to eye because their views on life are fundamentally different. I would never send my child to boarding school as I just couldn't be away from him. I know pro-boarders would see that as a bit irresponsible as I might be holding him back from the best education possible, but that's the way I feel and I can't help it. Equally if DH's job or my job meant I had to be away from my DS, I would give up the job or choose not to live with DH rather than give up having DS at home, which I know isn't practical or desirable for a lot of people. I think boarding can be a positive thing for some people. I didn't board but I think it would have been better if I had because my mother showed me zero affection and I was sexually abused by a family friend under her care. In boarding school I probably would have received more caring attention and probably would not have been abused. I never got any hugs or one to one time anyway so any that I would have received from a house parent would have been a bonus.

"Why? At least you know they've been educated well"

If you live in a social bubble where you only ever mix with hugely privileged people then it's likely you'll have very little understanding of the way the vast majority of the people in this country live. Which is obviously a disadvantage if you then find yourself in goverment.

shagmundfreud Thu 15-Dec-11 23:15:38

Rock - you clearly value your children's academic achievements very highly.

I think if you want your children to be high-fliers and you value that above their experience of day to day life as a child within the bosom of a loving family, then boarding school makes sense.

Well, yes of course I do, but equally I wasn't prepared to send them to a shit school abroad where we lived. I saw them every other weekend, their father saw them when it was his weekend with them. That's Friday through to Monday. It wasn't ideal, no, but it was the best option for our children. You clearly had an unhappy experience with boarding, but that DOES NOT MEAN that we all did and do. I truly do have the most deep and wonderful relationship with my children, as I do with my mother, just because I was a boarder and my older three are, does not mean that we miss out on normal family life. Whatever the fuck that means.

I think there is a world of difference between parents who have children and plan for them to go to Boarding School at 7, because that's what they've always done and the situation we've found ourselves in

When we had our DCs we assumed and planned for them they would go to the nearest state school, we wouldn't have had so many otherwise.

But when the time came and we weren't happy with DC1s primary and we could afford exactly the sort of Primary Education we wanted for her and her siblings (little testing, tiny classes, lots of outside play, no SATs or NC, peers who were being brought up the same way as her) we went for it. That led to a talent of DC3s being picked up and nurtured so he ended up boarding because it was the only way he could pursue it, and he begged to go- we never mooted it.

DC- (not the current boarder) is going to board for VI form. She wants the freedom to join clubs and do activities that are impractical to do living at home and not being independant.

So in the space of 10 years, we've gone from stallwarts of the local Labour Party to having 2 boarders and another privately educated. And I still judge those who automatically send their DCs to BS!

"I don't agree that parents put their dcs into boarding school as that is the ONLY way the dcs can avail themselves of said activities without putting the parents out. I have no truck with this pastoral care and weekend activities bollocks."

Yes -but it does mean you don't have to be driving them from A to B to do their squillions of 'improving' activities. Which leaves you with a lot more time to do what YOU want to do.

And if the price you pay for that is losing years of your children's company as they grow up - well, for some people that's a price they're willing to pay.

Shag* - the disadvantage remains with the majority. People like Cameron, Osborne and Blair who went to boarding school remain hugely advantaged.

Shagmund - if the children are in someone else's care all their waking hours then surely it is "Day"care only in name?

I agree that it is important that children have a strong sense of family/home/love, but I think that in some circumstances their day-to-day needs are better met in a (good) boarding school environment than at home with exhausted parents or with a bored nanny or being shuffled from pillar to post in before/after school care arrangements.

It certainly sounds like your daughter would not be suited to boarding school, but lots of kids thrive in the environment and as far as I'm concerned the proof is in the pudding.

You also seem to be very dismissive of the idea prioritising providing your children with a good education. I just don't understand that. I would feel terrible if my bright son came to me with his final exam results and had failed to achieve his potential or missed out on his preferred university course/career and I knew it was because I had chosen to keep him at home with me because I like having him about rather than send him to a fantastic boarding school.

Funnily enough, most of my friends who boarded have a better relationship with their parents than those of us who were day students - I guess they traded quantity for quality? (I went to a school that was about 50/50)

"I just don't understand that. I would feel terrible if my bright son came to me with his final exam results and had failed to achieve his potential or missed out on his preferred university course/career and I knew it was because I had chosen to keep him at home with me because I like having him about rather than send him to a fantastic boarding school. "

This is my MAIN objection. Why should my bright daughter (hypothetically) be trumped by your bright son? Why why why?

I'll just throw my tuppence worth in here .....

I think the OP has been reading far too many Bessie Bunter books and should be given a slapped arse and sent to her room - without supper or midnight snackage

HTH

She should miss out because YOU PAID for Boarding School and expect a return on your investment?

YABU. To judge, and to judge from a position of not knowing what you are talking about. Boarding schools have moved on a bit from the Spartan old days. Forces' families send their children to boarding school to provide stability and that stability isn't available if you don't agree to move with the posting as HMG won't contribute.

I went to boarding school. That put me in a great position when I went to uni because I had had the chance to be very independent AND get the love and affection of my family in the holidays.

It doesn't suit everyone, but that doesn't make it wrong.

Shagmund, it sounds like you have a few issues to sort out. It's sad that you had such a poor experience, but that doesn't make the entire system wrong.

"You also seem to be very dismissive of the idea prioritising providing your children with a good education"

No - I think it's important that ALL children get a good education. It seems to me that children going to well run state schools where most attain highly do just that, as do the very many private schools which churn out students with stunning grades and skills.

"Funnily enough, most of my friends who boarded have a better relationship with their parents than those of us who were day students - I guess they traded quantity for quality?"

Or that some relationships thrive DESPITE the barriers we put in their way. My relationship with my parents would fall into this category. They have always been very loving, good people and I love them to bits. I just feel sad at the family life we missed out on as children, as they do. My dad died last year and I regret those years of intimate, normal family life - with all the squabbles and the irritation that sometimes involves that we traded as children, and for what?

Actually I ended up buggering up my a-levels because of the emotional fallout from boarding school. I dealt with it in my 20's - studying as an adult and going to a former polytechnic to do a degree. But I'm happy now and in a job I love. My sister did roughly the same but again - found work that's a vocation and the joy of her life. My brother carried on in the conventional way. He got a fantastic degree and ended up working in scientific research for one of the top organisations in the UK. Is he any happier than us? Not really. The biggest difficulty he faces in life is his emotional illiteracy and inability to assert himself in relationships, both I think rooted in his life growing up 'in care' so to speak (which is what boarding school is in essence).

There is so much more to a happy life than a top degree from a good university. It's simply wrong to believe that your children 'must' have 'the best' educationally in order to thrive and be truly fulfilled in their work and in their relationships.

shagmund - great post!

"It's sad that you had such a poor experience, but that doesn't make the entire system wrong."

I think removing children from the family while they are growing up is often emotionally damaging, unless the child is being emotionally or physically neglected at home. I'm quite prepared to accept that many middle-class family homes are not particularly nurturing environments - particularly when parents are primarily pre-occupied with work, and in these cases perhaps children are better off out of it. I feel the same way about nursery.