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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

289 replies

Perriwinkle · 15/12/2011 20:18

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 15/12/2011 21:24

I have a friend who feels the same way as you. She gave her little soliloquy on how it was abuse etc. when one of our lovely friends explained she had boarded and enjoyed it.

Please stop being so bloody sactimonious and get on with living a positive life yourself.

stoppingat3 · 15/12/2011 21:24

I have three DC's at private prep school and he eldest has been desperate to board since year 3.

As a product of a state school I couldn't believe I would ever want him to board but here I am 4 years later packing him off to start full time boarding in January.

Why?

Several reasons. His school day finished at 5.30pm but with clubs and squads he is often not finished until 7.30/8. I have a husband that works away and it is very hard dragging the youngest two out at night to collect him.

The boarding house is outstanding (tm ofsted), each dorm has a max of 4 boarders and is in no way spartan, The rest rooms of which there are 3 are furnished wonderfully with sofas, table tennis X boxes (passcoded for certain times) wifi and TVs.

The House Mistress is wonderful and like a pp the boarding flats are always open to boarders.

As a contrary to boring weekends watching his dad and I ferry his siblings to cricket and dance he will get to enjoy all sorts of activities that are planned and reported back to parents with photos on a weekly basis. Last weekend for example they all went mountain biking (not that we have any mountains mind!)

But our biggest reason for giving in is that over our time at the school we have witnessed the wonderful pastoral care that is given to the children and have seen how the independance they get enables them to develop into really lovely young adults.

So it is with a tissue in hand that I wave him off. But far from abandoning him without a care we have a deal whereby he will come and find me each morning in pre prep and where I will stay and watch one of his earlier swims with the little ones. There will also be frequent calls emails and letters and he will be home every third weekend and for shed loads of holidays too! (they hae just started a month off!)

So yes YABU and quite a bit judgy too.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 21:25

And actually as a child I WANTED to go to boarding school - because I had a shit homelife and no-one had any time for me.

stoppingat3 · 15/12/2011 21:25

Wow huge post - sorry! Its a personal bug bear of mine that people assume we're abandoning our son when I am 100% sure its the best thing for him.

tulipgrower · 15/12/2011 21:26

My DH's colleague was having massive problems with his teenage daughters behaviour at school. They were tested for all sorts of things, and it turned out they are both simply super intelligent, they've now been sent to a boarding which specialises in dealing with gifted children, and they're finally happy and behaving perfectly as they're being challenged appropriately. (There is no school to deal with gifted children within a reasonable daily driving distance. )

Sometimes a boarding school seems to be a good solution.

(Although I'm not sure what their mother will do. She is a SAHM, because she said it was crucial to be there for her kids.)

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 21:28

Your child boards at a school you drop other children at each morning!!! Shock

thestringcheesemassacre · 15/12/2011 21:29

Oh god, I went to boarding school (age 11) and LOVED it. And no-one bloody vomited and wasn't looked after.
Each to their own. Stop being so judgey.

MalmMummy · 15/12/2011 21:29

"The boading houses are very dilapidated too and I wonder about hygiene and cleanliness"

Perriwinkle Which school are you referring to? None of the ones I know are like that.

boaty · 15/12/2011 21:29

Depends on personality, reason for it, whether the child enjoys it. DS1 boarded young and loved it. As for spartan, nope, more comfortable and warm than home!! Regular calls from staff if he was ill, more sympathy anddaysoff than he would have got from me! Xmas Blush. The food was restaurant standard, sweets once a week from tuck shop bought with pocket money that was given out Friday evening. He could phone/come home whenever he wanted. He spent free time playing games, climbing trees building dens. He went camping, cycling, horse riding and on trips. If they were taking boys to matches near to home they dropped him off at home and picked him up later. This was only available to him because of gaining a scholarship that paid nearly all the fees. He would have been just another 'disruptive' accordingtostatefirstschool child otherwise. The eating of rubbish was more of a problem in his mid teens when it was his decision and he earned his own money during holidays!!!! I would never judge another parent after my experiences. BTW went to a comp myself, DH was in 'care'. No privileged background here! Grin

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2011 21:29

I was a day pupil at a boarding school, certainly not spartan and the Matrons were lovely. The San was a favourite place for a rest!

However, I could/would never send my children to boarding school. I have seen some thrive and some just about survive, I wouldn't risk it. Apart from the fact that I would miss them, and believe that their place is with us.

boaty · 15/12/2011 21:30

still trying to get to grips with strikethrough Blush

scorcher · 15/12/2011 21:31

worriedsilly - how about they don't have children at all if they are too busy to raise them?

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2011 21:34

Ps: I would have hated to board, with a passion.

worriedsilly · 15/12/2011 21:34

You might struggle to recruit people to obstetrics, surgery, A&E medicine and so on with that approach. No?

stoppingat3 · 15/12/2011 21:35

Pantofino if that Shock look was aimed at me then yes I do (or will do from January)

If you read my post thoroughly you will see that whilst I drop off at the same time every morning the pick ups are far later.

The young ones finish at 3.15. On Monday's he finishes at 6pm, Tuesday 5.30 in winter later in summer due to athletics, Wednesday 7.45, Thursday 8pm and Friday 6.30. This is because is is a promising sportsman. My husband works away from Monday to Friday and we live about 20 minutes from school (very rural area).

GingerWrath · 15/12/2011 21:36

My DD is 5, she isn't going to boarding school now, however, if she hits GCSE age it will be considered as an option. She will need the stability and we can, so YABU.

RomanChristingle · 15/12/2011 21:36

Unless sn are involved I can't understand why anyone would send little ones to board. But teenagers are different imo. I saw so little of my parents as a teenager that I may as well have been at boarding school.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 21:36

But if you can afford boarding school, presumably you can afford a nanny? Presumably in those circumstance you had one....

scorcher · 15/12/2011 21:37

are you serious? i'm pefectly sure that the planet will keep turning if parents choose to share the childcare and super high powered careers - or, here's a mad idea, make a choice about which is more important to them...

manicinsomniac · 15/12/2011 21:38

Pantofino - Your child boards at a school you drop other children at each morning!!!

That's very common where I work and I don't see why you're so shocked at all.
Lots of our parents have a 10-13 year old who weekly boards as well as having a 3-10 year old who they think is too young to board as yet. Maybe their older child wants to board, maybe the parent/s want them to prepare for boarding full time at senior school, maybe they live a distance from the school and are unable to let the older child do the after school activities s/he wants to do unless s/he boards.
There are loads of reasons.

We even have families where the younger child boards but not the older one - because children are different and some love boarding whereas others hate it.

midori1999 · 15/12/2011 21:38

Pantofino, yes, you can ask.

In short, because he wanted to and was weekly boarding until this year, after which he will no longer board as we can have him at home for his A levels now. I could have stayed where I was and he could have still weekly boarded only for this year, but where we live now (DH is forces) is nearer to the boys Dad (3 DS's from first marriage, baby DD is DH's) and DS3 has Downs Syndrome and I have to consider what is best for my whole family and all my children as a whole, as well as each individual child.

DS1 misses us, of course, and loves coming home, but he also loves being at school. If he were ever unhappy there though, he would not have to stay there and he knows that.

stoppingat3 · 15/12/2011 21:41

But then if I had a nanny would I not get accused of palming off the childcare in that respect?

As I stated the convenience of pick up is one reason for boarding him - there are many others that wouldn't be met by a nanny - independance, social skills, academic assistance, excellent pastoral care - all of which are provided by people he has known for years

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 21:41

Stopping - well in that case the clubs are run at ridiculous hours. Probably to suit the boarders.....

Purpleroses · 15/12/2011 21:41

Maybe perriwinkle knows the school where my mum used to teach. They took boarders from 5 (yes, 5 Shock). I used to help out there ocassionally and remember helping small children to change for PE. They couldn't do up their own buttons but were boarding. It made me really :(

It was a bleak place with absolutely none of the lovely facilities some of you have described here. They obviously vary a lot.

My DP went to a good boarding school. He was generally very happy there, though does have rotten teeth because actually getting kids to brush their teeth every night (he was 12 when he went) wasn't something they did - houseparents he described as being " a bit like a single parent with 12 kids" I don't think it's great parenting.

allohora · 15/12/2011 21:43

Total rubbish. I was a day girl in a boarding school - had massive boarding envy but folks could never have afforded it (I was on a scholarship). Another girl made her parents' lives a misery until they agreed to stump up for boarding in the sixth form she wanted to do it so much. And the way a lot of kids live their lives, with 3 or more kids in a family, being driven about from one activity to another, makes sense to stay on one site with all on a plate. My most popular friend claims her boarding school was the making of her and adored it - still sees her friends weekly.
My DC are young and I wouldn't want them to go, but if I thought it was the best thing for one of them, I certainly wouldn't say no through any ridiculous notion I was abandoning my children or caring what people like OP think.

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