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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to judge parents who send their children to boarding school?

289 replies

Perriwinkle · 15/12/2011 20:18

I've seen quite a lot of this at close quarters and I just can't get my head around parents who are happy to pack their kids off to boarding school and pay ££££s for the privelige of knowing that they will probably live off the junk they buy in the tuck shop/local shops 80% of the time and live in the most spartan of conditions. No home comforts - not even when they are ill.

Not sure if these "house parents"/Matrons or whatever they're called even bother to inform parents when their children are ill half the time? Many say that kids often vomit at night after having eaten too much crap. How could a parent sleep well knowing their child was ill and away from home?

Sorry, I just don't get it and never will.

OP posts:

MosEisley · 15/12/2011 22:37

Here, have my very first .

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 22:39

I never said that BS were rubbish - just that outside of certain circumstances I really don't see the necessity. Budding sports people should be catered for outside of school imho.

forceslover · 15/12/2011 22:41

Why is a family who decides to send their 11 year old away for an education worse than a family who puts their child into fulltime nursery straight after maternity leave from 8-6pm? Answers on a postcard?

forceslover · 15/12/2011 22:42

In fact why are we debating this, whose business is it any way how we bring our children up?

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 22:44

worridesilly - there are threads EVERYsingle day that discuss those sorts of issues. This one is about Boarding Schools. It's a bit like posting a budget cooking thread - oh you do realise that some have to live on 10p a day and rummage through garbage to survive, so shut up moaning....

Rosmarin · 15/12/2011 22:45

YABU. You're statements are not based on fact. They're just opinions.

My father is a chef at a very high brow boarding school. He is a fantastic cook and refuses to use premade food. His role is to provide delicious, healthful food for the students. That role is only really enforced by him, though.

He battles with this role every day because the pupils insist on dousing his food in mayonnaise, ketchup or bbq sauce. Because they pay so much to attend, the school/matron side with the students and indulge them.

Teaching your children good eating habits (before sending them to boarding school, if you do) would be the answer... I was brought up by my Dad and, coincidence or not, very infrequently ate/eat junkfood.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 22:46

forceslover - I am interested to see your answer!

Personally I think there is a BIG difference.

forceslover · 15/12/2011 22:47

I don't see any difference personally!

bluerememberedhills · 15/12/2011 22:48

Pantofino - it is not just sports there are other reasons people send their DCs to BS. And it's not a necessity - it is some parents' choice because they think it will be a better all round education for DCs. And BTW most BS pupils can come home each weekend. If parents and child are happy with BS that is fine IMHO. If they would prefer day school that is also right We are all entitled to our own opinions & I respect yours .

Enough said.

lancaster · 15/12/2011 22:49

worriedsilly - I'm not really sure about your example. I am a doctor and neither I or any other doctor I know has felt the need to send our children to boarding school.

shagmundfreud · 15/12/2011 22:49

Either children need parenting or they don't.

Teachers and house parents may be in 'loco parentis' but they DON'T love your child. They are not parenting them.

And children who board experience much less casual physical affection from their parents than children who are at home. But then maybe they come from families who don't value or enjoy touch so much.

As for enjoying boarding school - I 'enjoyed' being able to do what I wanted without my parents knowing. I suspect there are many teenagers who massively appreciate being able to do whatever they like away from normal parental supervision.

Rock - it's good you have a nice relationship with your children. There are lots of families who can't be properly happy with living together in the normal way, with all the conflict and intimacy that goes with family life. I suspect both adults and children in those families are much happier if they see a lot less of each other.

Should add - I have a lovely relationship with my mum, as do my siblings. I also told my parents I was happy when I was at boarding school. If you'd asked me at the time I would have said I was fine and that I really enjoyed being with my friends, and that I didn't mind not seeing my parents. But actually I was scared a lot of the time, and very insecure. But that's the life you've got and you just get on with it. You think you're the only person who feels that way, and your feelings are so odd and complex it's difficult to put them into words, even to yourself.

MenopausalHaze · 15/12/2011 22:50

I've read page one of this and that'll do for me but let me just say OP - you are talking right out of your arse and clearly you know just less than bugger all about A. Boarding School and B. Why people send their children there.

Given which - do you not think you should maybe shut up and loosen those pants?

worriedsilly · 15/12/2011 22:50

No it isn't - the op asked if she was being unreasonable to judge parents who sent their children to boarding school. My answer is yes for lots of reasons, one of them beign that there are people it would be much more profitable to judge and perhaps even help. It might actually do some good.

Anyway, whatever. It is unlikely to ever ever effect me or mine, so whatever. But it sure won't raise my professional radar when I book a pregnant lady who has a child at boarding school like, say, 3 children in foster care and so on.

And for me, that's what actually matters these days. The big stuff.

worriedsilly · 15/12/2011 22:52

lancaster - I was just using an example I have experience of. It was a conversation with a doc at work ages ago where I first thought 'gosh yes, I can see why you would use a boarding school in this case'

That was all - it's clearly not universal.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 22:52

It worries me that someone can see no difference between the emotional needs of a 3 mo baby and a 11 yo!!!!

forceslover · 15/12/2011 22:53

It worries me that you are allowed an opinion and I am not!

shagmundfreud · 15/12/2011 22:53

"I really don't see the necessity"

The 'necessity' for most people who live in the UK and who send their children to boarding school is to turn over the day to day care of their children to a stranger, because they have other things they would rather be doing. Like work. Or going out.

Nospringflower · 15/12/2011 22:54

I think you're right worried. We can debate things like this all we like but there are actually much bigger problems out there that could do with a lot more scrutiny / intervention.

shagmundfreud · 15/12/2011 22:55

"It worries me that someone can see no difference between the emotional needs of a 3 mo baby and a 11 yo!!!!"

DD is twelve. She needs lots of cuddles, a fair amount of supervision, lots of reassurance, and the daily attention of the people who love her most in the world: me and DH.

Her emotional needs are not that different from when she was 3!

forceslover · 15/12/2011 22:56

"The 'necessity' for most people who live in the UK and who send their children to boarding school is to turn over the day to day care of their children to a stranger, because they have other things they would rather be doing. Like work. Or going out."

So parents who send kids to nursery all day or to childminders and after school clubs are ok because??

exoticfruits · 15/12/2011 22:56

It all depends on the DC and the circumstances. One size never fits all.

shagmundfreud · 15/12/2011 22:59

"So parents who send kids to nursery all day or to childminders and after school clubs are ok because??"

Last time I looked children who are in daycare are in DAYCARE. Not 'round the clock care'.

forceslover · 15/12/2011 23:02

Judgey people night night!

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 15/12/2011 23:02

Kungfupannda hahahaha. I knew you'd do that so I padded up well in anticipation!

Nospringflower - I went to boarding school as I was a forces child and it really was the most sensible option for me and my siblings. My mother also went (also an Army child). My older children have been weekly boarders since Year 7. There are many reasons, their father moving around with his job, me living abroad for the past 8 years and the education that they were receiving overseas was shit to say the least. So my ex husband and I (he also being an ex boarder) felt that from secondary it was the best education decision we could make for them. They have thrived, my two oldest gained exceptionally high GCSEs and DD1 has firm offers from 5 Russell Group Universities for next year. DD2 is doing even better than her older sister and continues to stun me and her father with her achievements; and DS has been offered a sports scholarship at a London day school (well there's boarding too, but we are now living back in London, so he will be a day boy) for 6th Form - he has had opportunities that he would never have had were he to be educated elsewhere. It is simply what has been the right thing for MY family.

I don't know, really, why I'm back on this thread justifying my educational choices for my children, other than I really hate how people can judge judge judge without ever fully understanding the reasons that others choose what they choose. I didn't ever send any of my children to a day nursery but UNDERSTAND why people do, it just wasn't for me - I don't judge that, so why do people have to judge my decisions without knowing facts.

TBH I will judge only when a child is in some danger or is clearly not cared for; how other people bring up their children is NONE of my business.

forceslover · 15/12/2011 23:03

But I'll be back tomorrow

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