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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 12:52

If you've said you're happy to stay in and babysit, be prepared that it will last until the 2nd Jan.

YABU to try and get him to commit to a time frame if he's off out and you're happy for him to go.

Catsdontcare · 13/12/2011 12:53

You're either happy for him to go out or not. Understandable if you would prefer him to stay home with you but I really don't think you need to factor in how long you will be spending with the baby etc, that just doesn't make much sense. Sounds like you feel a bit put out that you aren't going out (understandable.) and you want him to have fun but not too much fun. If you don't want him to go then be honest.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 12:54

Why not get a babysitter and go out with him?

blackeyedsanta · 13/12/2011 12:59

I don't think it is that unreasonable to want a plan of when he is going to be available to look after his child again, even if it is i am going out with some of the lads and e might do x or y. i will text you to let you know if I am going to be later than x time.

knowing how long he is going to be helps you to plan what to do with the dc while he is out.

EatMeDates · 13/12/2011 13:01

I have to be honest, I think YABU. Either you're fine with him going out on NYE - which, lets face it, doesn't even get going until midnight and will inevitably last into the next day...or you're not.

Oggy · 13/12/2011 13:01

Well if it were me I wouldn't be expecting a set time. I would be writing him off (as it were) for all of 1st Jan anyway, even if he gets back at an agreed time I doubt he will be much use to anyone (if he knows how to do New Year properly anyway )

Chulita · 13/12/2011 13:17

I presume "the baby" is your child so looking after them isn't going to be a new thing, and they're a year old so it's not like dealing with a newborn. I think YABU, it would be nice to have some idea of a time but tbh if it's new year's eve you can write off the next morning at least. No one likes going out for a party and trying to remember the time so they can get home before their coach turns into a pumpkin or somesuch.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 13:20

Saying you don't mind then making him stipulate times etc. sort of shows that maybe you do mind.

Can't you go with him?

kidsinamerica · 13/12/2011 13:21

YABU.

It is not fair to let him go out whilst trying to imply decency means you have a right to some kind of control.

Give him his night - no rules - no limits - it's going to be 24 hours of your life tops.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 13/12/2011 13:23

Personally, I don't think YABU. I'd want to know what time to expect my DP back as well, if for no other reason than because I'd worry something dreadful had happened to him.

I don't think it's controlling at all, when I lived at home, even at the age of 22ish, I would always let my mam know roughly what time I expected to be home. It's common courtesy.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 13:24

Yabu.

Why not get a babysitter and go out together, and ensure that neither of you drink to excess and can get up the next morning to look after your child?

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 13:27

Sorry YABU.

This is our first NYE out in 8 years, it was ME who wanted it, and DH offered to stay home but we're with family so the kids are having a sleep over. Had he stayed in with the children he would have not expected me back sober, or before morning, and would have let me lie in the next day, and probably watch films and be useless for 2 days (lightweight with stamina, and a slow recovery time, that I am) I would do the same for him.

BUT... YANBU to feel, with a 1yr old baby, that you're missing out on all the fun and feel put upon that he can go out on his jollies and you're stuck in with little choice but to watch Jools Bloody Holland. YABU to project that feeling onto your OH.

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 13:27

I always expect to know where my OH is going, when he thinks he might be returning and what he is intending to do. It's just common decency.

I don't know why it would be so unreasonable to expect this.

Original poster

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 13:34

oh wow, clearly IABU! I am happy for him to go but not happy for him to get so wrecked that he rolles in whenever he likes and the whole of the next day is a wipe-out so I guess that really means I am not happy for him to go and I should tell him so and take him up on his offer to stay home instead.

Just a shame that he doesn't feel he can go out without it being a full on night.
I wouldn't want to go with him, he is into a scene which I really don't like so it would be no fun for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 13:35

by the way - I haven't said anywhere that I would prefer him to stay at home with me, this was more about his not wanting to compromise in any way nor give me any idea what time he would be back.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 13:35

It is unreasonable of anybody to drink to excess and to the point that they are wasted the next day. If they cannot manage this, they should stay home!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 13:37

I think NYE is a time where one is allowed to drink to excess and be pathetically hungover the next day surely

Original poster

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 13:38

thank you. I have read back and I think people may have read my post incorrectly and think that I have said that I really want him at home with me. I don't, particularly not if he thinks I am stopping him. Watching jools Holland is my idea of NYE fun and I am happy to do it on my own.

OP posts:

samandi · 13/12/2011 13:45

I don't think YABU and can't really see why other posters think you are. It's daft for your partner to give a ballpark figure (even if that is the next evening). Pretty good of you to offer to stay in and babysit while he can go out if you ask me.

samandi · 13/12/2011 13:46

to not give a ballpark figure that is

1Catherine1 · 13/12/2011 13:47

YANBU imo. I always ask my OH what time he expects to be back whenever he goes anywhere. This is just so that if I hear a noise downstairs I know whether to get up and investigate or turn over and go back to sleep. Plus I'm a worrier by nature. I will always worry that something might have happened - I just can't help it. Likewise I will always give a time I expect to be back if I go out.

But then if it was my OH going out and I was staying in on NYE I would only ask that he checks in with me. Say, 12:30 to wish me happy new year and a text message around 3am if he isn't heading home yet. If he is still out at 6am when I wake up he would expect a call from me just to check he was ok and find out when he was heading back and check if he needs a lift or anything.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 13:48

Does he go out and get wrecked a lot OP?

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 13/12/2011 13:50

But why does it matter if the whole of new years day is wasted? In the great scheme of things surely it doesn't if he is a fantastic husband and father in every other way? I could understand it if you both wanted to go out but he felt as the mum it was your job to stay in.

Have you had previous re: sending him out with your blessing then being arsey the next day? (I speak as someone who was guilty of this in a previous relationship, he really was a prick though).

Surely these sorts of issues should be ironed out before you decide if someone is compatible to breed with?

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 13:53

I always expect to know where my OH is going, when he thinks he might be returning and what he is intending to do. It's just common decency.

I don't know why it would be so unreasonable to expect this.

This.

My DH and I always keep in touch with the other by text and let each other know the plans that way we can know when it is appropriate to report a missing person, put the kettle on, go to bed, etc.

Always.

Deliaskis · 13/12/2011 14:09

I'm with FolkGirl and NickName et al, DH and I always give the stay-at-home person an idea of when they will be back, and roughly where they're going. It's common courtesy and isn't even just about childcare, it's about being considerate.

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