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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 13/12/2011 16:44

Let's not forget that the next day is NYD, first day of the year when we all start with good intentions to ourselves and others. Great new years dayfor the OP if he staggers in at whatever o'clock, whilst she has to get up early to look after their jointly created baby and enjoy the day on her own.

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 16:57

'So why can't she say "go out, have fun, please be back by 12pm to take over the child care, cheers love."'

I guess my mistake was saying 'go out and have fun, what kind of time do you think you will be back'?

That is what I asked and I got 'I don't know, hrrmph I just won't go then' in response. Surely the question I asked could have been answered, even in a ballpark way. Instead he absolutely can't give me even a rough time, or is refusing to.

I don't mind spending NYE by myself, I will be asleep for most of it. I do mind being put in a situation where he strops off saying he just won't go and everyone (mutual friends) will probably assume it's because I have said he isn't 'allowed' to go out.

Not that any of this matters as he is going and I will just see him when I see him.

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 17:02

Give him a slap. No, just joking.

Just explain to him that you expected him to use his common sense when arranging this and why you feel that way (ie being a dad now etc etc so shouldn't really need telling), in a calm manner. I don't think you are being unreasonable to think his response is twattish (the "I won't go at all!" then).

NinkyNonker · 13/12/2011 17:29

He sounds very immature. Most adults I know with family commitments don't think they can only have a good time at NY if they can have the whole of the next day and not have to give any indication of when they'll be back.

Wanting a rough idea isn't a curfew, it is wanting to know so you can make plans and not worry...isn't that part of being a family?

wordfactory · 13/12/2011 18:47

Oh please.

If he doesn't get to do exactly as he wishes he won't bother.

How old is he?

Mutually respectful adults let one another in on their plans.

wordfactory · 13/12/2011 18:49

And it's perfectly easy to make plans as to when you'll likely be home. That's what taxis were invented for.

pollyblue · 13/12/2011 18:58

Yes, I don't understand why he can't say that he'll be heading home by (for example) 2am.....

Is he likely to get so bladdered he won't know which way is up by midnight, never mind the time of day....?! Grin

I think in your shoes Op I'd just assume the worst and write him off for the next day, in terms of helping with child etc. Plan a good day for your and dc, so if DH does spend all the day lolling in bed looking sickly, it won't wind you up.

confuddledDOTcom · 14/12/2011 00:43

YANBU for all the reasons already said Xmas Smile

My OH works a two hour train journey away from home. Each day he tells me what time he thinks he'll be home. He call me to say he's on his way (because I'm usually still in bed when he goes out) and when he gets there. He'll call me in the afternoon to say what time he plans on leaving, when he does leave, when he's on the train and when the train is getting close to the station. Not because I ask him to but so I know where I stand. Some days he's forgotten to tell me and I've waited until it's past bedtime to feed the children because he was going to cook (I know, he works two hours away but he loves cooking so sometimes says not to so he can). If he goes out for the night he tells me when he'll be home, lets me know he's OK whilst he's out (if he's been drinking, although he doesn't usually get drunk, he'll ring to tell me he loves me lol).

I've lived on and off with my parents all my adult life and Mum still stays awake if I'm out, she never totally switches off if someone isn't home.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 00:50

He sounds very immature and personally I don't think YABU. His reaction sounds downright silly, tbh.

I'm neither controlling nor someone who doesn't have an social life. In fact I do performing stuff that DP isn't involved in so we have quite a lot of separate outings. This suits us because we also spend good times together. However, I'd always give him an idea of when I might roll in and vice versa. Not because there's a curfew but because it's common courtesy surely?

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 14/12/2011 05:35

YANBU. It's a bit sad for a grown man to get into a sulk because he thinks it's not worth going out at all if he can't get so pissed that the whole of the next day is a write off.

I wouldn't mind what time he came back but as NYD is the last day of most people's holidays I'd be pissed off if DH had drunk so much that he was out of action for it all. But then we've always viewed NYD as a family day.

Judging the potential success of a night out on how pissed you can get is rather immature and not an attractive quality.

iscream · 14/12/2011 06:16

I would assume he will be late, and wouldn't be expecting him to be much use the next day as far as the child goes. Maybe next year plan something you can do together.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 14/12/2011 06:29

It's one day. One day where he staggers through the door at 5 am and spends the day in bed

But yes, he is cutting his nose off to spite his face and being childish in his response to you.

However, it is far better to say "no idea when I'll be back, don't wait up" than to promise 12 or 1 and then have very little fun because you're clockwatching, either that or forget about the time (as you're likely to do once you've had a few!) and stagger home to an almightly row. "You said 12, it's quarter past one, nanananananananana"

There is 15 months between my two. I know what it's like to be alone with small children. So please don't think that I am being unsupportive when I say this, because I am not. I am just trying to give a different perspective. If you think that perspective is a pile of total shit, then fair enough Grin.

It's a baby. It's not that big a deal to be in sole charge of a baby. If he sleeps all day then you're with the baby all day. And when he's recovered, then you bugger off and have some time to yourself. That's the way it works.

I can hand on heart tell you that if you are both laid back, both have the attitude that you're in it together, and you both give each other the freedom to have the odd night in a year where you stagger through the door about 6am and collapse into bed, for example, then you will be happier than if you try to put restrictions on one another and make having a baby into this really big, restricting, all hands on deck at all times thing

cory · 14/12/2011 07:41

What I would like to know is whether the OPs dh would be equally happy for her to shoot off at one of the big feasts of the year and leave him with indefinite childcare and no idea as to when she will be able to resume family life? I think there is a big difference between parents cutting each other some slack and cutting "the poor man" some slack.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 07:44

Hecate - I totally agree with you.

NinkyNonker · 14/12/2011 07:46

Quite. Hell, when I have lived with others I have never expected indefinite leave to Bugger off for as long as I want and then loll around indefinitely, especially while the other has to just carry on as normal. If he can't enjoy a night out without getting so wasted that the whole of the next day is a write off, and he can't even consider the person he chose to have a child with then he sounds very immature.

wordfactory · 14/12/2011 07:56

Are people really really saying that they can't have any fun and their evening is spoiled unless they can do exactly as they please and return whenever the mood takes them?

Because in the real world many of us have to get back for babysitters, or catch the last train home etc etc and wonder of wonders...it's still great fun.

flamegirl77 · 14/12/2011 08:00

Why not agree a time when he will be reporting for duty with your DC. It's up to him what he does till then as long as you can reach him on an emergency.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 08:04

I don't understand why, as its NYE, it's ok for him to be incapable until the 2nd Jan?

If op was asking about her DP going on a Friday night out and people were telling her he wouldn't be copus mentis until the Sunday, (with a 1yo baby in the house) I'm sure most would think that was unreasonable.

But as its new year it's fine? He's not a single man with no responsibility! If my DH went out on NYE, leaving me at home telling me he had no idea at all when he's going to be home and then being out of action until the 2nd Jan I would be fuming. It being 31st December doesn't make a jot of difference. In fact, I can't understand why he wouldn't want to see in the new year with his partner and child.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 08:05

wordfactory - There are different kinds of nights out. NYE with a load of blokes will probably be a drunken unorganised affair i.e. decide what pubs/clubs we go to as we go along. It probably won't get properly going until relatively late.

OP has said yes he can go out, but he must tell her a time and come back when he said he will. And he shouldn't get wasted or stay out.

Those 3 conditions don't really fit with the type of night out it will probably be. Yes you can have a great night out while not drinking at all for example. But if everyone else is getting drunk, most people would not enjoy not drinking much themselves.

Similarly with not staying out - op hasn't clarified what she means by this. But I suspect things won't really get going until at least 10pm, probably later - say 11pm. So coming home at say 12.30pm would be cutting the night out very short and make it questionable whether it is worth going.

This doesn't mean that you can't go out for a couple of drinks down the pub and be back home at 10.30pm and not have a great night. But this isn't the kind of night it sounds like the op's dp wants.

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2011 08:09

I think he is reluctant to commit because he has NO intention of coming home AT all..... Not til late the next day when he has recovered

thebigkahuna · 14/12/2011 08:13

Total tangent here, but am I the only person who completely changed with regards to getting smashed once I had kids?

I still love a night out but since having them it's like I have this in built mechanism that stops me getting beyond the point where I could be any use to them if they needed me.
I used to be a complete boozehead and o do still love a night out. It's just that since becoming a parent I don't have that ability to get so smashed to the point that I'd be useless to anyone for most of the next day.

I'm not meaning to sound sanctimonious, im not being prescriptive here in terms of whatever other people do. It's just that the part of that was happy to drink myself into oblivion died as soon as my p f b was born. Not a deliberate thing, it just happened.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 08:13

Lesley op has already stated she doesn't expect her DP home until well into 1st jan, I would assume she means mid morning onwards. I don't think it's unreasonable she asks a time and he should have the common sense not to get shitfaced as he has a family to go home to. He's not an 18 year old Uni student he's a grown man with a family. The days of reckless abandon should be behind him by now.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 08:15

kahhna I am the same. I still go out and drink until 6am on occasion but I am fully capable of functioning the next day.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 08:18

"she doesn't expect her DP home until well into 1st jan, I would assume she means mid morning onwards"

I don't think you have any reason at all to assume mid morning onwards. And I think the OP has said that she doesn't want him to stay out too late.

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 08:21

he should have the common sense not to get shitfaced as he has a family to go home to.

so not one single solitary person on here has gone out over the christmas period ever and got worse for wear?? Hmmm righto