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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:
lesley33 · 14/12/2011 08:23

I would agree he shouldn't get drunk if he then had to look after his dcs while drunk. But he doesn't. The op says he goes out 2 to 3 times a year. I really don't think, given this, that this is a big deal.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 08:35

lesley I have quoted for you:

"I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day)"

Doesn't really sound like she's expecting him at 12.30, does it?

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 08:42

so not one single solitary person on here has gone out over the christmas period ever and got worse for wear?? Hmmm righto

When did I say that?

There's a difference between getting a bit worse for wear and being so blotto that it takes more than 24 hours to recover, which is what some posters were suggesting would (should?) happen. I'm all for going on a night out but don't use NYE as an excuse to get utterly smashed.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 08:44

op said she "doesn't want him getting wasted or staying out". Doesn't sound like she thinks 5am in the morning is fine either.

And other posters have said it is reasonable that ops dp gets blotto. Op just said she doesn't want him to get wasted which could mean anything over a few drinks.

Trills · 14/12/2011 08:47

From just the OP- YANBU

You're not asking him to come home at 12.05 - you're just asking him to indicate whether it will be 2am or 4am or 6am or whether he'll stay over somewhere and come back the next morning.

dreamingbohemian · 14/12/2011 08:54

kahuna I'm a bit the same. I used to drink practically every night, be out til 6 am at least once a week. Now a big night is staying up til 2, and not getting too shitfaced because I know I have a baby to take care of the next day. I don't mind because, well, I had a good 15 years of partying, and I still go out quite often, so I don't feel I'm missing out.

I just remembered DH and I had a similar situation last year, not for NYE but for a party of one of his friends. DH said he would probably just stay over, I said no worries, do you reckon you'll be back the next morning or afternoon? He said probably morning but maybe afternoon if they decided to do something, he would call me when they got up. I said, sounds good. He also said he'd eat a big fry up and rehydrate loads so that he wasn't completely useless when he came home.

Maybe I'm projecting but I imagine this is the kind of conversation the OP had in mind?

I certainly wasn't trying to put limits on his fun and he definitely didn't take it that way. I really just see it as courtesy to your partner. It was such a no-big-deal conversation that I only remembered it just now!

dreamingbohemian · 14/12/2011 09:01

lesley I'm trying to see where the OP says she doesn't want him getting wasted or staying out, as you've said several times this is what she thinks. The closest I can find is:

'I am happy for him to go but not happy for him to get so wrecked that he rolles in whenever he likes and the whole of the next day is a wipe-out'

See, I interpret this to mean that it's fine if he gets drunk or wasted -- just not so wasted that he has to stay in bed all day. And she has said that she expects him to come home the next day, she just doesn't want him to roll in whenever he likes without her having any idea when that might be.

missorinoco · 14/12/2011 09:05

I don't think YABU either. You have said given the circumstances you would rather he toned it down a bit, but you haven't "forbidden" him (I also hate that phrase) from doing so. You have asked to know roughly when he will be back and in what state, so you know what to expect the next day.

I much prefer having a rough idea, if I know I have to get up and keep the children quiet I will be much more amenable than if I was expecting a lie in or a husband who was going to surface and be functional before lunchtime. Maybe that says something about me, but so what, it's not that unreasonable.

I agree with those who say it is courtesy to give your partner a rough idea of when you will be back, how else do I know when to worry?

By the way OP, this No, we didn't talk about what he would so on New Year's eve when we decided to breed with eachother made me snigger. Only on MN would you be asked such a question!

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 09:07

He's probably said he won't go because it seems like more trouble than it's worth. I mean, we're nearly 2weeks away from said date and you're hassling him about his ETA home? I don't blame him for not wanting to go.

BUT

As others have said he should be keep in touch every now and then to let you know what's happening.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 09:18

dreaming bohemian -Sorry I don't think the op did actually say that. I think I got it from the following poster.

"OP said she didn't mind him going out but didn't see why that had to mean getting wasted and staying out. If anyone told me how I could or couldn't spend my rare night out I would be pretty cross."

Sorry about that.

HeadsRollingInTheAisles · 14/12/2011 09:19

God, YANBU, at all. Seeing as he says he's not going out now how about you go out and say you don't know when you'll be back or when you'll be able to help again. Oh yes, thought not, it's just Stepford Wives on Mumsnet, not husbands.

Kikithecat · 14/12/2011 09:30

YANBU at all OP. He could easily say OK I'll be home by 7 a.m. on NYD - surely that wouldn't retrict him having fun?

Anyway maybe I'm just an old codger but I think there's a difference between going out when your single or childless than when your a parent. I.e. you have to grow a sense of responsibility.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 09:32

op did say he only goes out 2 or 3 times a year. Hardly imo a sign of irresponsibility.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 14/12/2011 09:42

OldeChestnut - there is a difference between getting the worse for wear, and refusing to even say whether he will be home the next day/evening!

It is totally discourteous and pathetic of the OPs husband to behave like this, he should have the common sense to set his own boundaries rather than behave like a sulky teenager.
If he would grow the hell up, then there would be no need for her to be 'telling him' or 'allowing him' this that or the other, he would just say 'don't expect me before 4am, if it is going to be a lot different I'll let you know, but it won't be later than 6am'.
That is hardly restrictive.

I think that once you are a parent it is unfair on both your children and your partner to get so wasted that you are counted out for the following day.

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 10:19

It'a one thing setting your own boundaries ''allabean* and quite another having them set FOR you. While he's not a teenager- she's not his Mum!

How can a person commit to a definate time if the flow of the night is free and easy? Say he has the chance to crash at a friends. Is he to reject the invite because it passes curfew?

Wether he's with a friend or at home he's still going to be sleeping it off. My husband and I often wind up staying with mates when we go out (rare thing) because we wind up being under the other person's feet if at home sleeping off a hangover til 1pm (not unreasonable at all depending on when you get back home)

I genuinely don't see the need for such rigid curfews as long as the person is on contact.

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 10:29

OP, your DH is being unreasonable to not be able to give you a ball park figure of when he will be home. He is also being childish to turn it back on you and stay in as if there is no compromise to be made. While you are not his mum, you are his wife and he should consider your feelings.

If it was me I would tell DH to go out and enjoy himself while you enjoy you night in in front of Jools Holland and go to bed when you like. New Years Day on your own with a 1 year old will be a bit of a pain but you will cope. Telly/ a walk/ playing with new toys/ two naps/ mealtimes will fill the day easily.

Then I would demand a night out/ off/ spa day in return as he will owe you some brownie points.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 10:37

Where has the OP set a curfew? She's reasonably asked her DP to give her an idea of when he'll be home!

Maybe she's asking him in advance because she wants to make plans out of the house to see friends or family?

And so what if he only goes out 2 or 3 times a year? By the sounds of things op is expecting him to roll in the next day at some point and then be too hungover to do anything to help with the childcare etc so I take it she's going from experience. I'm not surprised he doesn't go out much if it wipes him out for a day or so afterwards!

SugarBabyLove · 14/12/2011 10:44

OP - You are NBU at all. He is being a right twat. Unfortunately, because of his twatish behaviour you are now in a loose/loose situation.

If I were you, I would take the baby and go and stay with a friend in a similar situation and let him do whatever teenaged things he wants. Black mark for him! Or get a friend to come and stay with you. Put the baby to bed and crack open the champagne/Baileys/Guinness - whatever you fancy.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 10:45

How can a person commit to a definate time if the flow of the night is free and easy? Say he has the chance to crash at a friends. Is he to reject the invite because it passes curfew? oh and this? I'll remember this next time I go out and the babysitter asks why I wasn't back when I said I would be. Why, after all, should a grown adult set themselves a curfew when the night is free and easy?

So I take it if the party goes on for 3 days that's ok then and the op should take all the responsibility for the dc in that time while her DP is out partying? OR should he grow up, and come home at a reasonable time in a reasonable state so he can parent his child and spend time with his family the next day?

Highlander · 14/12/2011 10:51

When you have children, you have to grow up.

Thus, when out of an evening, I think about getting a reasonable amount of sleep so that I can parent the next day.

Your DH is a father. he can't just go out on a bender, roll in whenever he feels like it, assuming that you're taking responsibility for your child.

Don't enable the manchild.

Fatbob · 14/12/2011 10:59

I agree with SugarBabyLove he sounds like a Twat.

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 11:05

Foxy the OPs OH is not a paid babysitter, is he? And your statement about things going on for three days is complete hyberbole used to take my point out of context. I'm talking about NYE and day. Not an extended trip with the boys to prague.

And I never said the op set a curfew. I was replying to Allabean's comment suggesting he should set a certain time to be back by.

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 11:11

Meant to say OP is not a paid babysitter.

FoxyRoxy · 14/12/2011 11:12

The op isn't a babysitter, she's one half of a set of parents and just as deserving of the same courtesey as a paid babysitter.

And as the op's DP refuses to give her an idea of when he'll be home, 3 days could possibly happen. I wasn't taking your post out of context at all Paula

mrsjay · 14/12/2011 11:13

I know this thread is long and probably been said before but why cant he go out and have a drink with his friends once or twice a year , My dh hardly goes out he goes to the xmas DO and comes home roaring drunk and writes of the next day , Im failing to see whats so irresponsible about it , especially when there is a sober unhungover parent there the next day , Im just really confused as to why an adult isnt allowed to get drunk because they have children ,