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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:
xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 11:21

Well to clarify, my posts were speaking of him coming back at some point NYD. As to the rest, we'll have to agree to disagree. If my husband is out, I expect a call when he comes out of the club to let me know if he's coming home or stopping with friends. If he's stopping over I figure I'll see him at some point the next day and get on with it til I do. He's only out once or twice a year as am I ((without each other that is) so I don't expect anything from him other than to have fun and to let me know where his bed is that night.

NinkyNonker · 14/12/2011 11:27

Thank god I married a grown up is all I can say, who realised he is part of a partnership not just two adults who happen to share a roof.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 11:27

At no time has the op indicated that she thinks her dp would be out longer than nyd.

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 11:44

Ninky a tad melodramatic, no? How is stopping out once or twice a year in any way immature or disrespectful to your role as a parent and partner?

NinkyNonker · 14/12/2011 11:54

Not that bit, the huff huff huff "well I won't bother, if I have to consider someone else then I can't have fun" bit is the immature bit.

But I do consider getting absolutely wasted the preserve of the slightly immature, that's just my opinion. I've done it plenty if times, but that was when I was quite immature!

NinkyNonker · 14/12/2011 11:57

Oh, and the one roof bit was in reference to some not feeling they have to give any indication at all of when they'll be home. I mean, how hard is it to say "before lunch"? If before dinner? Or something so the other person knows. Even if that is with the caveat that they will text if anything changes? That is just basic courtesy in my book, no?

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 12:06

Oh yes, definately text if plans are changing. That's one thing both of us insists on so that the one left with the kids knows how to plan their next day.

NinkyNonker · 14/12/2011 12:10

But what he is objecting to is giving her any plans at all, so there would be nothing to text and change, so she can't plan her next day.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 12:15

i wouldent like staying home with baby while hes out partying id be thinking whats he getting up to. But thats me.

Oggy · 14/12/2011 12:16

Unless I have missed a post, I haven't read that he is objecting to giving her any plans at all, only that he isn't giving her a time he will be back.

I am assuming OP knows where he will be going, NYE things almost always require tickets or at a house party therefore he will know where he is going.

Apologies if I am wrong and he is refusing to tell her where he is going, that would indeed be daft.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 12:16

I AGREE NINKYNONKER

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 12:24

How can you know what your plans are for definate though? You meet in one place and move on or go home. If someone suggest going back to theirs on the night after the pub then a quick call is order to let your oH know.

Whenever either of us go out we can't say one way or the other if we'll be home after closing because we might move on but we always call each other if that becomes the plan. You can reasonably assume that your oH is going to be out til closing. After that they should call to let you know what they're doing and that should be that til they come home.

Dh only goes out a few times a year and it's a rare sunday for me and the kids to do ''our'' thing for sunday if he's stopping out. That and I can get my washing done in the room without him being there stinking of last night's jack!

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 13:00

I'd be a bit cross if my DH called me at closing to say he wasn't coming home as a) he'd wake me up and b) it would affect my day the next day with regard to childcare. I'd prefer that he let me know if he'll be home before he goes out.

What time is closing on NYE anyway? It is possible to stay out all night if you want.

missorinoco · 14/12/2011 13:15

This thread has gone nuts. I don't think it's very helpful to call the OP's husband a twat.

xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 13:17

Blacktea it depends where you are. Some clubs are open til 4am from now til the first week in Jan. Pubs are open til 1. I'm in scotland though. English law may vary.

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 14/12/2011 13:18

blimey - more responses! I thought this thread had dies.

to Clarify to Lesley33, Although I haven't mentioned it clearly in my posts previously I am fully accepting the fact that he will not arrive home until some time in the morning of the 1st or even later. That was kind of my point. Like I said, I would like to factor in recovery time too. So for example he could be clubbing until beyond 4, at a mate's house until 6, crashing there for 8 hours sleep and so on - meaning that he might not be home until the afternoon or evening. I absolutely wasn't ever suggeting that he come home just after midnight and would never have expected that.

What I would have like to have know is would he maybe be home in the morning to take the baby for just half an hour before getting some sleep or will he get his sleep elsewhere and then turn up much later in the day in which case I woulde be able to plan what I am doing?

Lesley you say "op said she "doesn't want him getting wasted or staying out". Doesn't sound like she thinks 5am in the morning is fine either"

I can see now that you realise I have said no such thing. Other people have said this, true, but I don't see where I have used that phrase, indeed I was very sure that I had said I would be happier if he was able to tone down his night and have a bit of a plan, NOT that I wanted him to not go out at all or give me an exact time. I really just wanted some kind of an idea as detailed at the start of this post.

"so not one single solitary person on here has gone out over the christmas period ever and got worse for wear?? "

I used to do that a lot, those were the days. I find having a small child and very little childcare makes it quite difficult these days, even on special occassions. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my son with a babysitter so I could go out and get wrecked on New year's eve but I respect the right of other people to do so. Having said that - if I did go out to get wrecked I think I would probably have to give the babysitter some idea about when I planned to be back.

What I do find slightly weird is the amount of people here who would be happy to let their partners go out and roll in at any old time with no idea of when they might be back - even on NYE. I guess if you are the parent staying at home then it's ok but it wouldn't be if there was a babysitter?

Anyway - as I said... we have agreed that he will go out still as I really do not want to be sat in the house lookoing at a face that resembles a smacked arse. I am making plans for myself for NYE/day now and he will keep in touch to let me know he is safe. I still don't really know when he will be back and I probably will still worry about him but at least now I have a plan forming which will take my mind off it.

OP posts:
xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 13:19

NB pubs open til 1 at the weekend.

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 13:22

That's what I was thinking Paula, I used to live in Scotland and Hogmanay went on until the small hours. Whereas now I'd want to be in bed about 1am (as I have a non-sleeping dd!).

hwjm1945 · 14/12/2011 13:22

I don't think you are being U at all, how old are you guys? I would be pretty pissed off if my partner went out, not telling me even roughly where he was going adn when likely to be back and then got so pissed he was wiped out for a couple of days. This is not a plan for a night out, it is really a plan for a weekend, I.E. NYE and the nat least all the next day off, cos he is wasted. If that is what is on offer, then fine, but if all you are prepared to offer is a night out, then he needs to keep a bit of a lid on it and be prepared to be on duty the next day

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 14/12/2011 13:23

"I am assuming OP knows where he will be going, NYE things almost always require tickets or at a house party therefore he will know where he is going"

actually - no I don't. I have not included myself in any plans because I am not going so it's not relevant to me. I am guessing it's a tickited event at a club of some sort (in our city) and then onto a friend's house. I also suspect that about 99.9% of the people there will be childless.

He may very well know where he's going - I haven't asked. In all honesty I think if I do ask it will re-ignite the argument as he will think I am questioning him unnecessarily. Reading this makes it sound worse than it is, he isn't a twat most of the time by the way.

OP posts:
xPAULAx · 14/12/2011 13:24

It's good you've made. Your own plans. Better to do that than clock watch! Hope you both have fun :)

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 13:25

Cross posts OP. I would just make plans without him and assume he won't be home/ available for childcare. It does suck but it's better than stressing yourself out.

Do make sure you get some "time off" too over the Christmas period to make up for it.

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 14/12/2011 13:26

oh blimey, please excuse all the typing mistakes. crap keyboard and too fast with the fingers!

OP posts:
oxeye · 14/12/2011 13:32

YANBU I think its perfectly fine to ask roughly when he is coming home, not for "control" purposes but so you know the plan
I would also expect him to go out but be thoughtful about it so out but not so drunk he can't help the next day/ afternoon etc - its about both being adults.

Then I would try to make my staying in nice - nice wine/ DVD/ long bath whatever makes you happy but would certainly expect him to respect my need for a break too

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 14/12/2011 13:44

Righto thanks all.
DH clearly reading this now so I won't be posting anymore. It definitely wasn't my intention that he read it, hence the oh so clever name change and the non-specific title. - sigh. I get that I am being a bit controlling and a bit unreasonable but don't think it's fair to have people call him a twat.
thanks again.

OP posts:
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