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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:
DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 13/12/2011 14:11

So do we, I would expect nothing less. But the OP has clarified that she doesn't want her DH coming home late, or wasting new years day hung over. DP and I have decided to stay in this year; it wouldn't cross my mind to be worried about looking controlling unless I had previous form.

NinkyNonker · 13/12/2011 14:12

Yanbu, I would never go out without telling the people I live with (un this case DH) roughly what sort of time I'll be back. I'm amazed this is so unusual!

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 14:21

I think YABU. It is hard on nights out like NYE, with a group of friends, to keep an eye on time and to know what is going to happen. No-one wants to in the middle of a great time suddenly have to say, oh I have got to go home now. I understand that he honestly doesn't know when he will want to come home.

Saying that if I go out I will say to my DP - oh will probably be 1pmish and will text if it is not. But text would just be, having a great time so staying longer.

As you are not bothered about going out or about him staying home, I would just let him go. tbh I think arguing about stuff like this really isn't worth it.

He will have a good night and be hungover the next day. You might not see the point of drinking so much that you get hungover, but you are individuals and so you are allowed to not agree on what constututes a good night out with friends.

FoxyRoxy · 13/12/2011 14:23

If DH or I go out we will always give a rough time when we will be home. Not just nights out either, he lets me know if he's going to be home late from work as do I etc. if ds isn't coming straight home from school he will text or call to let us know. Even if I'm staying at my parents I'll always give them a ballpark time of when I'll be back!

If the op is worried her DP will roll in at 7am, sleep all day and expect her to keep a 1yo quiet and occupied all day so he can sleep off his hangover then she is NBU.

Gonzo33 · 13/12/2011 14:29

If it were DH and I I wouldn't really be that worried about him going out and being in a rag state the next day. However, he would text me when out to say all was good, and he would contact me the next morning to say he was up and about and all is well, when he will be back, that kind of thing. However, it is rare that we would individually go to a party like that.

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 14:30

And tbh I think I would have said like your DP - well I won't go at all then.

He is probably anticipating:

  1. Having to keep an eye on the time
  2. Either having to leave in the middle of a good time and probably getting a ribbing from his mates for this
or
  1. Not coming home when he is supposed to and so getting a hard time from you
  2. Not being allowed to drink too much in case he gets hungover and gets a hard time from you.

I can see why he thinks its not worth it.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 14:32

OP knows when he'll be back - well into the next day. I don't see this as a problem. Why does he need to say "1pm"?

Surely if she is worried the next day she can ring/text or get her DH to ring/text.

The point is, if he's off out, for NYE which is not just another night out, the OP should expect she'll most likely be the main child carer until the 2nd!

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 14:34

Yes folkgirl but do you agree to a curfew? I text DH a fair bit when out, especially if my plans change throughout the night, he'd never say "You're supposed to be home in 20 minutes".

Just last weekend, plans changed, I was ready to go home at 1am, and got home at 6am, I phoned and texted.... I wasn't partying, but clearing up after a friend's 14yr old dd decided to invite facebook to her house (she was supposed to be staying at her friends) never seen such a state.... its a long totally unrelated story.

By the way, whether I drink or not, if I'm out later than say 1am, I am wrecked the next day... lightweight!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 13/12/2011 14:43

YANBU.

I am always amazed on MN at the number of people who seem to live like flatmates rather than as a family. Weird.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 14:46

Ali that's a very judgemental thing to say. What is "family" to one is different to another, your way of living isn't necessarily the best, most "family" way.

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 14:46

Yes folkgirl but do you agree to a curfew? I text DH a fair bit when out, especially if my plans change throughout the night, he'd never say "You're supposed to be home in 20 minutes".

Has the OP suggested she has given him a curfew? Have I missed something? As far as I can see, she said that she wants an idea of what he is planning to do (whatever that plan may be)... no where does she say that she is expecting him home at a certain time.

And what's wrong with texting if and when plans change?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 14:50

"I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time."

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 14:51

wouldnt you child be asleep while hes out , I dont think you need a plan as to how long your going to be looking after the baby ? perhaps im missing the point , its 3 weeks to NYE you seem to be freaking about it , If hes going out let him go out without fuss , no doubt he will be hungover. just leave the baby with him the day after and you can have a lie in , I think Yabu a little bit , does he tend to stay out all night ?

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 14:52

That still doesn't say anywhere that she expects him back at a certain time... Just that she'd like to know when he is planning on coming home. That's not a curfew.

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 13/12/2011 14:53

OP said she didn't mind him going out but didn't see why that had to mean getting wasted and staying out. If anyone told me how I could or couldn't spend my rare night out I would be pretty cross.

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 14:55

Exactly - that does imply a curfew

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 14:57

OP i think you should relax about it I think he has said he wont go because you are concerned about the time hes will be back , maybe it sounds like you dont want him to go out and are making it difficult for him ,

mens nightout are usually last minute plans and he probably doesnt even know what they are all doing yet , It will be fine to know what time he will be back , but maybe leave it till nearer the time then ask him again , try and not get in a flap Smile

OrmIrian · 13/12/2011 14:59

It's NYE. I can't be doing with it personally (neither can DH thank goodness) but it does tend to be a long one for those who partake. I should tell him you would rather he didn't go, or just leave it up to him and expect to see him sometime on 1st Jan.

Flyonthewindscreen · 13/12/2011 15:01

Me and DH have had a few NYE's with no babysitter available and it has never occured to either of us arrange to go out on the piss with our friends and leave the other on their ownsome watching Jools. We get some really nice food and booze and make the best of it at home together. Obviously we go out separately perfectly happily at other times but seems a bit miserable to spend NYE on own when you have a DP?

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 13/12/2011 15:06

I think it depends on how big a deal NYE is to you.

For me and DP it's not a big deal for either of us so if he essentially said he was taking off till whenever and leaving me with childcare for an unspecified amount of time I'd be a bit Hmm. tbh he goes out on his own about 3 times a year so I probably wouldn't say anything, but I can see why you would.

However, if NYE is a big deal to your DP then I'd say YABU. Just mentally chalk him up as missing in action for 24 hours and then don't stress. Maybe ask him to text the next afternoon so you know he's still alive but other than that suck it up.

It does, however, give you the right to go out some time soon and leave him with DC for an extended period....

LydiaWickham · 13/12/2011 15:09

Well, if he said, "I'll be home about 4am. Probably will have a hangover so not be up for 'family stuff' on 1st until at least after lunch." would you be ok with it? so you don't want to know when he'll be home, you want to limit his night out.

It's NYE - he's not going to be home for 11 and up at 6am with your DC. So your offer of him going out has to be allowing for that.

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 15:12

Maybe that's it! If my DH said to me "'ll be home about 4am. Probably will have a hangover so not be up for 'family stuff' on 1st until at least after lunch." Then I would say "OK, have a good time. Should I make you a fry up around 11:00?"

But that's just me.

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 13/12/2011 15:12

I would ask the same of DP if he was going out, NYE or not, and I would let him know if it was the other way round.

Its common courtesy to let those you live with know roughly when you expect to be home. It doesn't have to be an exact time - tonight/early hours/tomorrow morning is fine, with a text or call if that changes.

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 15:13

why do you need a minute by minute plan

why not just let the poor sod go out enjoy himself and when he gets home, he gets home

I dont get this bit so that I can get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. - what does it matter, are you that dopey that you cant look after your own child for a couple of hours by yourself?

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 15:15

i'd hate it to go out for the evening and be worrying i had to get home by x oclock - i stopped doing that when i was 17 and my mum used to wait up for me :/

FGS its NYE! cut the guy some slack

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