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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is cutting off your nose to spite your face

152 replies

celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 12:48

DH says 'well I'm just not going to go then' RE NYE.

I said I don't mind if he goes out while I look after the baby (1 year old) but would like an idea of when he will be back (could be well into the next day) so that I can factor in recovery time (his) and get an idea how many hours I will be left with the baby. He says he can't say because he doesn't know and doesn't want to give me a time and then piss me off by not being back at that time.

I think considering our circumstances that he should be prepared to tone down his night of excess and have a plan. He just wants to carry on as normal and do whatever without having to worry about a plan.

He is now saying he just won't go out at all then which is just brilliant (not) because no doubt everyone will assume I have banned him from going and I do not want to be seen as that person when actually it's not true.

Am I being unfair? Maybe it is wrong of me to 'allow' (I hate that phrase but that is basically what I am doing) him to go out but then put restrictions on him?

OP posts:
QueenOfFlamingEverything · 13/12/2011 15:15

I'd be fine with it if DP said "I'll be home about 4am. Probably will have a hangover so not be up for 'family stuff' on 1st until at least after lunch."

That wouldn't be a problem at all. Refusing to say when he'd be back would piss me right off though.

AlexTasha · 13/12/2011 15:24

I dont think you are being unreasonable. My DP and I always make set times as to when we come home and stuff so that the other one doesnt have to wait up. Its just nice I think.

dreamingbohemian · 13/12/2011 15:26

I have a hard time believing there are so many people who would actually be happy for their partners to head out NYE night, with the obvious intention of drinking themselves stupid, and having no idea whatsoever when they would be coming home, whether it would be 6 hours or 2 days.

She is asking for a ballpark, that's really not so unreasonable.

I used to be the biggest party girl out there btw. Of course you have a sense when you go out of whether you'll be back at midnight, dawn or the next afternoon.

If her partner doesn't want to have to worry about time he should just pick the latest return time he can imagine, like the evening of 1 Jan, presumably the OP would be okay just knowing it could be that long.

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 15:26

But why would you have to wait up? Wouldn't you just go to bed when you wanted to?

lesley33 · 13/12/2011 15:29

dreamingbohemian - Of course a ballpark like early hours of next morning is fine. But the OP actually says that she doesn't think he should be getting wasted and staying out. Which kind of implies that she doesn't think he should be out that late.

OP also says that her DP said he doesn't want to give a time as if he is late she will get angry with him. Now we have no idea what being late means. Does this mean for example that if he says he will be home about 1pm and he is home at 1.30pm that she is angry with him?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 15:29

The ballpark has been given - the next day. OP wants a time

QueenOfFlamingEverything · 13/12/2011 15:30

It doesn't need to be set in stone anyway.

I have in the past been to a friend's party with the original plan of coming home that night, and then decided I'd like to stay. So, like any reasonable polite person, I rang DP, who was at home with DD, and told him I was thinking of staying. He said that was fine and to let him know when I was on the way home so he could get a meal ready. He does the same if his plans change - its not about control but about manners IMO.

I'd never expect an open-ended 'night' out.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 15:31

Lots of people have said he can text/ring and so can she. If she knows he'll be home the next day, is that not good enough??

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 15:32

If he doesn't know he doesn't know.

ThisIsANickname · 13/12/2011 15:34

A ball park is "probably between 3 and 5 in the morning, but I'll text you if that changes/when I am on my way home."

A ball park is not "sometime in the 24 hours that make up the proceeding day."

dreamingbohemian · 13/12/2011 15:37

Well, she said she would like him to tone it down a bit. Without knowing how bad her partner gets, that may or may not be unreasonable. Someone on another thread recently said that when her partner celebrates he comes home and throws up blood for 3 days. In that kind of case, I don't think it's crazy to want the guy to tone it down. If she's wanting him to stick to 2 pints though, well that's unreasonable.

At heart, I think the OP wants to compromise her DP gets to go out but tones it down a bit while the DP doesn't want to compromise at all and just do what he wants.

The OP needs to decide if she'll be okay with no compromise.

dreamingbohemian · 13/12/2011 15:39

exactly nickname

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 16:02

blimey.

A few answers to questions.

No, he doesn't go out and get wrecked a lot, maybe 2 -3 times a year.
No, we didn't talk about what he would so on New Year's eve when we decided to breed with eachother.
We had IVF so breeding wasn't something we rushed into, though I don't think this is relevant.
I am less likely to be 'arsey the next day' if I have a general idea of when I will see him next and how capable he will be of sharing the childcare.
He has said he doesn't want to have to give me a time, I don't want to give him one. I want him to use a bit of common sense.
No I am not that dopey that I can't look after my own child for a few hours. I would just rather there be a compromise than a 'well I just won't go then'.

Anyway - I have told him that he should just go out and I will see him whenever he gets back. I'd rather that than be sat in teh house with a miserable fucker on nye

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 13/12/2011 16:06

Sorry OP.

I really think YANBU. Maybe he'll calm down about it all in the coming weeks.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 16:09

Why is the next day not a good ballpark? Slight exaggerration of 24hrs there - if he's going out at night, and coming back the next day it's reasonable to assume it'll be be more like "sometime during a 12 hour period" most likely the afternoon as common sense would tell you. He can text and say when he wakes up when he's likely to return.

As it is he'll be going out thinking he can't have a good time as he should be back early to help with the kids. NYE isn't your average night on the tiles where you'd expect restraint to be shown!

thebigkahuna · 13/12/2011 16:11

I can understand how you feel op. My dh doesnt have much holiday and I would be annoyed if he expected me to do a full days childcare while he flopped around because he'd got into a state the night before.

Actually, it wouldn't happen in my house. The rule for both of us is stay out as Kate as you like and drink as much as you want but (apart from the standard weekend lie in) don't expect to be excused from fMily responsibilities the next day.

I've found this rather focuses my mind when it comes to that extra glass of wine or five Grin

Original poster
celebrategoodtimescomeon · 13/12/2011 16:11

well, I can see what a lot of you are saying. He is pissed off that he feels like he'll be on a curfew and maybe I should 'let' him go out with no conditions, I don't want him to think I am being his 'mum' and I do have one child to look after, not two.

I just thought his attitude was childish. Maybe because I was making rules and he thinks I am trying to be his mum. I forgot I am only his wife.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 13/12/2011 16:13

YANBU. You are doing a big favour by being the one to stay in on NYE, so if it were me I would like to know so you can understand if he is going to be any use the following day.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 16:16

There's nothing wrong with laying ground rules, but you'd have to be clearer than you are. Have you said "By all means go out, but please be home to take care of DC from 11am, for I shall be tired."

Whereas I get from your OP you've said "Yes go out have fun, I don't mind doing DC care!"

Than come back to him to say "when will you be home"

It's not clear.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 16:18

Someone needs to say what's happening instead of pussy footing and causing aggro IYSWIM.

redwineformethanks · 13/12/2011 16:18

I think YANBU. It's courtesy to let your partner know when you're likely to come home. Just good manners.

OneHandFlapping · 13/12/2011 16:23

I would've been HOPPING if DH had ever chosen to go out to a party on NYE when I couldn't because someone had to look after the baby. Bloody hell. He should spend NYE with his wife and child, not off like some single bloke.

What is he going to do in return OP (apart from whine, that is)?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 13/12/2011 16:23

YAsoNBU - Why shouldn't he say when he's expecting to be back (and also to let you know if that changes on the night)? I would also be happy to write off the morning of NY day but would expect my DH to be grown up enough to be back to reasonably normal by lunchtime. Again I think this is normal respectful behaviour. If other people don't mind not knowing that's fine for them but OP wants to know and so would I.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 16:31

So why can't she say "go out, have fun, please be back by 12pm to take over the child care, cheers love."

If I wanted my DH to be back by a time, I'd tell him so.

If I'd given him my "blessing" to go out, I would just assume he's useless the next day unless I'd asked him not to be.

MistyMountainHop · 13/12/2011 16:41

YA definitely NBU op

and tbh i would be well pissed of if my DH wanted to go out without me on NYE, why doesn't yours want to spend it with his wife and child, not going out on the town like a single bloke.