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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
WhoWhoWhoWho · 15/12/2011 11:02

Wow it is so so rare for an OP to come back in the face of an overwhelming YABU, so good on you for A, coming back at all, and B, admitting you were wrong and deciding to remedy it.

It is possible to share the xmas holidays and it still be a happy time, and as Hunty says, seeing how happy your DS will be in sharing both household's Xmas will be worth it. Well done Fabsi and I hope the conversation goes well. Smile

Tallypet · 15/12/2011 11:05

Fair enough Akiram, just read through all of them... I did get a bit bored though after page 6, plus I was annoyed at her initial refusal to see anyone else's POV. Glad that she's decided to go ahead and let her DS see his dad on Christmas day.

jen127 · 15/12/2011 11:15

fabsi Respect to you! Whilst I can only imagine how hard this is for you , you have the guts to deal with it! This has really cheered me up!
Merry Xmas to you and yours xxx

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/12/2011 11:18

Fabsi - your responses to this thread have been wonderful, and show that you are a great mother, with your son's best interests at heart. It must be so hard to cope with all the things that life has thrown at you, and I think that the way you were feeling (not wanting to have christmas day on your own, without your son), and feeling horribly sad at that thought, are entirely natural, and respect to you for putting those feelings aside for your son's sake.

I hope that you and he can both have a wonderful christmas - and if he does go to your ex this year, that means that you will have next Christmas to look forward to - and you can always have your own christmas on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day this year (though I appreciate that's not the same).

{{festive hugs for you}}

CardyMow · 15/12/2011 11:28

Fabsi. I hope your conversation with your Ex has gone OK, and I hope you are feeling OK. I wasn't being harsh for the sake of being harsh before - I just wanted to get you to see this issue from all sides. I'm so very glad you have, and it makes you an great person that you are willing and able to see when you need to change something.

I wish you a Merry Christmas (and a fun-packed Boxing day like me), and I hope you can move forwards from here and build a workable relationship with your Ex and his DW. Especially over discipline, it is important to be working from the same page so that there is consistency in both your DS's houses.

Good Luck with things as you move forward - and maybe in time you will find someone else who will treat you and your DS well.

rockinhippy · 15/12/2011 12:45

Cdos to you Fabsi - I echo Huntys comments above & I too am so glad you listened, for yours & your Sons sake -

of course it will be hard not to have DS with you on Xmas day if your ex accepts your offer, but try & see it as a break for you - I've seen friends go through this & be devastated, but a few years down the line it does get much easier & they now actually look forward to having a child free holiday at Xmas time & lazy on a beach somewhere - as hard as it seems right now - it CAN actually have its benefits :)

Wishing you the best of luck, you sound like you really deserve it :)

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 15/12/2011 16:23

Well done fabsi, I hope things go smoothly and that you and your DS have a great xmas Xmas Smile

RedHelenB · 15/12/2011 17:57

Sorry I didn't reply Figgy. I can't see it happening as the tradition is now that they see him boxing day ( but I suppose if they really really wanted to then they would.)

aurynne · 15/12/2011 18:55

fabsi, thank you so much for reading the messages and taking the best of them, instead of getting huffy and leaving. I believe the decision you have taken is the best one, not only for your DS, but also for YOU. It is a step in healing and becoming free.

You will get through this, and in the way you will become a better person. And very soon, you will be ready to love again.

Well done! A big, big hug to you.

MJinSparklyStockings · 15/12/2011 19:23

fabsi wow, i know there are people on the forum who think I am harsh, but I aimto save one child even an iota of the pain DSD has been through, Im so impressed with you. Christmas Hug x

MJinSparklyStockings · 15/12/2011 19:24

hunty, now I understand how you are so giving despite everything you have been through, what a dreadful way to lose a parent, another unmumsnetty Christmas Hug.

Original poster
fabsi · 15/12/2011 20:08

I have just had the conversation and we've now agreed ds will have his usual overnight stay and next year, xp can have him on boxing day all day. And i have also agreed to alternate birthdays too. I told ds he would be staying with his daddy christmas eve and opening presents there and the smile on his face made it all the more worthwhile. Again, i just want to thank you ALL, from the bottom of my heart, for being there, being stern and honest (because we all need that sometimes to realise just how unreasonable we are being) and i wish you all lots of christmas love and cheer!

OP posts:
Original poster
fabsi · 15/12/2011 20:10

And yes, i have planned a christmas eve with friends and a christmas morning relaxing!

OP posts:
herbietea · 15/12/2011 20:14

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dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2011 20:15

Oh my gosh, I could cry. What a wonderful thread ending. Fabsi, I'm so proud of you Smile I know this must have been so hard for you, you are such a good mum.

Be sure to plan yourself a nice Christmas, and a lovely boxing day with your son.

I guess the harsh treatment you got on here worked in the end, but I still think some people should come back and apologise for calling you such awful names. Clearly you are a good person and love your son very much.

smokinaces · 15/12/2011 20:17

fabsi good on you. It is hard, I am a single parent of 2 young boys. My ex husband has a new partner and baby on the way. Christmasses and Birthdays are tough - we both want as much time with them as possible. We have in the last couple of years had an arrangement where by I have the boys Christmas eve and day morning, and they go to his house after dinner and stay till Boxing Day night. It works for us, and this year I am looking forward to a night in with a friend and a few bottles of wine Christmas Day. Its really odd (this will be my 3rd Christmas as a single parent, my boys are 3 and 5) but it does get easier. And believe me when I say the kids are most happy when their parents get along enough to do things like this - and they get to see them both on special days.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 20:18

Oh fabsi, that made me cry! You have really been through the wringer on this thread and I am so happy for your and your ds that you have sorted out a lovely Xmas for everyone. He WILL thank you for it in the future but a little (((hug))) because I know it will be hard for you.

herbietea · 15/12/2011 20:20

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
fabsi · 15/12/2011 20:21

I'm not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things i have EVER had to do. But, as many of you said, it is the RIGHT thing to do. And if i could send each and everyone of you the smile on my boys face when i told him earlier, i would. :-)

OP posts:
RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 15/12/2011 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pantofino · 15/12/2011 20:25

That made me cry more!

ChristinedePizanne · 15/12/2011 20:28

Oh fabsi - I want to send you a bottle of champagne to drink in bed. Good on you, you fabulous, fabulous woman. xxx

Original poster
fabsi · 15/12/2011 20:28

Oh god, now i'm crying! Merry Christmas to you all x

OP posts:
CardyMow · 15/12/2011 20:30

Awww. It's worth it, just for their smiles, isn't it! Grin. Merry Christmas and a brilliant Boxing Day!!

mrsjay · 15/12/2011 20:32

Fabsi that is wonderful you have made your son a happy little boy you mustve melted when you saw him so happy , I hope you have a lovely christmas , you have done the right thing x