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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 15/12/2011 02:32

Thanks. :)

lisaro · 15/12/2011 02:33

That'll teach me to refresh when I have 2 pages open. Blush

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 15/12/2011 02:35

There will be others... Grin

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 15/12/2011 02:49

Fabsi - big respect to you for coming back and taking everything on board the way you have. It takes a lot of courage to recognise the truth in the hurtful comments and to then acknowledge that you need to make a change in the light of what has been said. I am very pleased you have taken the decision you have and I really hope that it works out well for your DS and he has a fabulous Christmas with both of you, albeit in different places.

Bravo! Xmas Grin

Sloobreeus · 15/12/2011 05:20

For ten years my ex and I have both seen my daughter on Christmas Day. She either wakes up and spends until lunch time with me, then I take her to her father's or she begins the day with him, then is brought home for the Christmas meal and to spend the rest of the time with me. Some years it has been hard, but it means she sees all the people she wants to see on the day. It is about her. I have no other family within 400 miles. It isn't about me - and this is the most difficult time of the year for me as I have other children I don't see at all. I feel for you Fabsi, but you did say that you have a supportive family. Do you not see other family members at Christmas? Why do you not do turn about with you having your son on Christmas Day while he goes to his father on Boxing Day, then change round the following year?

exoticfruits · 15/12/2011 05:27

Well done Fabsi-I am so impressed-people very rarely come back with a change of heart. I think that you can still have a lovely Christmas and that you will be building up a great relationship with your DS in the long term. Best wishes. Xmas Smile

Akiram · 15/12/2011 05:44

Wow Fabsi Huge respect for not only coming back to this thread but also taking on board what has been said. It can't have been easy to read this thread.
I hope the phone call with your ExP goes well and he bites your hand off with your offer.
So many of us on this thread have been on one side of this coin or the other. But the most common thing shining through is that we want our DC to be happy and secure despite how much it hurts us sometimes (I know I've ranted on here plenty of names under various nicknames).
It never occurred to my Ex to see DS on Christmas Day, if I asked him he would reply "oh no it doesn't matter I'll see him the following week". But it did matter to DS. Don't get me wrong obviously I adore being with DS all Christmas but for his sake I wish his dad had wanted to see him too. Now Ex has died and DS has no memories of spending any birthdays, Easter or Christmas with him and it makes me so sad for him.
I truly hope you have a lovely Christmas and that 2012 will be full of good things for you. As the New Year strikes leave your bitterness behind and look only to the future.

All the best

Akiram · 15/12/2011 06:12
ViviPrudolf · 15/12/2011 07:48

Adding my thanks and respect to OP.

Brave, rare, admirable.

Peace & joy to all.

sausagesandmarmelade · 15/12/2011 07:51

I think it's great that your son has a good relationship with his Dad and his new family.

I think you should set aside your feelings and allow your Ex husband to have your son at his place for a couple of hours OR get him to do something special with your son before or after christmas.

Make the most of the time you have on your own to have some special pamper time.....or do some cooking or whatever. Look at it as a positive opportunity...

sausagesandmarmelade · 15/12/2011 07:53

Clearly I did not read the previous 18 pages....seems it's all worked out.

Happy Christmas!

FreudianSlipper · 15/12/2011 08:09

good luck op

please work on keeping yourself happy

queenrollo · 15/12/2011 08:13

fabsi i so glad you came back and read several pages of replies which must have been very difficult for you to take on board.

It's not easy to let hard feelings go, it really isn't. There have been so many times I've wanted to throw heavy objects rant at my ex...but then I remember how hard it was to get by every day and every drop off when there was so much animosity.
Working on letting that resentment and anger go freed me and made joint parenting a million times easier.
It's been 4 years for me, and emotionally Christmas is still difficult but as Hunty has said the joy that comes from a happy and emotionally secure child massively outweighs the negative aspects of dealing with Christmas across two parental households.

Stick with us and we'll support you through this if you need us.

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 15/12/2011 08:16

OP, I too have great respect for you coming back, especially as when you didn't post for a while we all got a little harsher Blush
But I think you are making the right decision and I think you will find that by letting you ex have this sort of thing it will help you move forwad hard with your hurt and potentially letting go. You may find that your life becomes ultimately much less stressful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying you can't still be seriously pissed off with your ex, my DF has been dv for 40 yrs and still has a bit of animosity towards ex w, but that is more to do with the amount of access he was allowed etc, and the fact that he desperately wanted the children to have a good life so gave her everything in the dv for the children then she spent it Hmm and now is on the breadline (it was a lot as my gp's had died so he basically gave her their house!!!)
Anyway, good luck, you are doing a good thing for your son and he is the most important thing.

BartletForAmerica · 15/12/2011 09:26

Well done for rethinking this! I hope the conversation with XP goes well today and that you can together come up with a solution that works you both and, most of all, DS.

Gonzo33 · 15/12/2011 09:38

Fabsi,

Glad to see your going to try for your son's sake. I hope everything goes well and you all have a fabby Christmas xx

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 15/12/2011 09:44

Again respect to you for coming back to the thread and rethinking things.
Do let us know how you get on with speaking to ex p

Merry Christmas Xmas Smile

TandB · 15/12/2011 09:45

Well done, OP. I hope your ex accepts your offer graciously.

ToniSoprano · 15/12/2011 09:45

Adding my best wishes and congratulations to you Fabsi for re-thinking things. Hope it goes well and Happy Christmas to you and your ds. Thinking of him before your own needs is being a really great mum!

knockneedandknackered · 15/12/2011 09:50

just gone back to the thread today well done op i hope it goes well for you and great massive respect.

AbbyAbsinthe · 15/12/2011 10:16

Wow - complete respect to you for coming back and taking all these replies on board. You should be proud of yourself for realising YABU and doing something about it Smile

Hope everything goes well and your ex doesn't prove himself to be an arse.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/12/2011 10:18

fabsi - your updates have made me cry Xmas Blush

I'm so impressed that you came back and read through this whole thread and have taken on board everyone's comments. It must have made really hard reading and it must have taken a huge amount of guts to post. Huge respect to you and I wish you and your DS a very happy Christmas. You rock Xmas Smile

annaklingon · 15/12/2011 10:22

Lurker de-lurking to say well done. That must have been a really hard thing to do you should be very proud of yourself

As Christine said, you ROCK Grin well done, onward and upward and all that and I wish you all the best for Christmas

Tallypet · 15/12/2011 10:29

Hmmm... sounds like you just want to ruin XP's day. It also sounds like not only do you want your son with you but you want XP too even for an hour so you can play happy families. You don't want to be alone, but you also want to be in charge of how ExP spends his time. You just want to control and manipulate the situation because you were hurt when he left you.

My DH's Ex is just like you, controlling, manipulative and emotionally black-mailing his kids - to a point where they don't even feel like they can come to our house any more and be with their father and step-brother. The saddest part is that you're still so bitter - let go of it, because it's not a nice thing to carry around with you.

Akiram · 15/12/2011 10:31

Tallypet read the OPs updates. She has the balls to come back, despite us flaming her,to admit that she was wrong and she will try and put it right.