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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:

IneedAChristmasNickname · 14/12/2011 22:46

Well done for coming back OP! I hope it goes well and that you ALL have a fab Christmas

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 22:47

Well done Fabsi.

Respect to you.

With the flaming you got, I did not expect you back. You have proven that you are not what we thought. It must have been hard for you to come back to this thread and read all this, and to post. Total kudos to you.

I hope this is the beginning of a new and great co-operation with you and your ex, which will benefit you and your son immensely in years to come.

and

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 14/12/2011 22:47

Yes, well done, fabsi, that took guts. Hope everything goes well for you. Could you visit family while your ds is visiting his dad?

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 22:48

fabsi. agree, well done for coming back, when many a person would have run for the hills.

Original poster

fabsi · 14/12/2011 22:49

Thanks all, yes, if xp does want to have ds on xmas day, i will be doing as you say, and enjoying my spare time. I've asked my mum and dad over and my sister and her dh said i could go over there for dinner, and depending on what happens, xp can drop ds back to my sisters (we all live fairly local)

OP posts:

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 22:50

Please though, take the message that it is in YOUR hands to let your ds build a great relationship with his dad/siblings. Your ability do to this can only strengthen his relationship with you.

Original poster

fabsi · 14/12/2011 22:52

Like i say, some of what alot of you said, did hurt. But only because i know it is true. I came here, to genuinely see if IABU. I now know i am. I do need to let go, and hopefully with a bit of help and support (including you guys) i can. So thanks again for your honesty.

OP posts:

Original poster

fabsi · 14/12/2011 22:53

Yes, i now know that. Like i say, it is me with the barriers, xp sm and ss all have a great relationship with ds. And i am happy and grateful ds has that.

OP posts:

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 22:58

fabsi, and noone denies how hard this is to do. Not at all. Just that it is the RIGHT thing to do. hugs

Shakey1500 · 14/12/2011 23:05

Really appreciate you replying fabsi, that's guts and strength. Hope the conversation goes well and arrangements can be made that everyone is happy with. All the best to you.

Kayano · 14/12/2011 23:15

I spent the whole thread reading and looking like this ---->

Now I look like this ---->

Respect OP
You got guts. Hope you all have a merry christmas.

CardyMow · 14/12/2011 23:20

I'm very glad you have taken on board what people have been saying, and are considering talking to your Ex. I DO understand how hard it is to be a Lone Parent with a disability. I have uncontrolled epilepsy, and I have four dc to look after, two of whom ALSO have disabilities.

I DO understand how you feel, and it IS heartbreaking not to have your child or children with you at Christmas - but what ends up happening with my dc is that, in essence, they get TWO Christmasses EVERY year. Which, as far as a child is concerned, is the best thing ever. DS1 gets Christmas on Christmas day, then he gets Christmas on Boxing day too!

It won't seem like it now, not the first few times your dc is away for Christmas, but you do, in a way, get used to it. DS1 is lookng forward to spending Christmas day at his SM's parent's house, and he is also looking forward to spending Boxing Day opening presents at my house. He gets a traditional Xmas dinner on Christmas day, and a huge buffet on Boxing day. Then next year, it will be reversed.

He gets to experience the Christmas traditions I hold and want to pass on, but ALSO those of his dad's family. Like having disgusting bread sauce all over your dinner.

When DS1 comes home from his dad's with his face all lit up, with stories of what he got, and how his brother pulled the Christmas tree onto the table and they had to pick pine needles off the turkey, and then he is bouncing up and down hugging me and bouncing around the front room waiting to open his presents here, I know it has been worth it, because HE is happy.

Men can be utter shits as partners, and still be a good father. It just needs the pair of you to put aside your differences. As my Ex-H's MIL has to work on DS1's SM's DD - I may well be the one picking her dc up from pre-school and school when she has Ex-H's new baby. I REALLY didn't envisage THAT one 7 years ago...But, when all is said and done - they are just as much DS1's siblings as my own DS2 and DS3 are.

Doesn't mean that DS1's SM isn't a total cow, mind you. I'm still human, after all.

You can internally seethe loads at your Ex and his DW - just as long as it doesn't affect the way you TREAT them or act around them - be as two faced as you can, because ultimately, it is to ensure your DS's long-term happiness and well-being. Just come on here and moan when they make you want to stick pins in their eyeballs.

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 23:29

I think Hunty is very wise - though I LOVE bread sauce - and no bugger does it any more.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 23:35

Hunty is wise. And I have never even tasted bread sauce.

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 14/12/2011 23:36

you can buy bread sauce ready-made in many supermarkets. Yum.

CardyMow · 14/12/2011 23:37

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 23:38

Can you?

Pantofino · 14/12/2011 23:39

I am going to bed before bread sauce discussions dilute from OPs plan to DO THE RIGHT THING!

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2011 01:07

Fabsi -- I have so much respect for you, not only for coping with everything you've had to cope with, but for coming back on this thread after so many people were so harsh!

I hope you manage to work things out and have a nice christmas

If things get hard, post over in Relationships, you won't get such a flaming.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 15/12/2011 01:31

If you're close enough there's no reason you can't have your DS at both of your houses on Christmas day. I'm sure you'll work something out.

You're obviously a very strong person - you came back onto this thread! You've overcome your feelings enough to establish regular agreed contact with your DS sleeping over at his father's. I'm sure you'll sort this out too.

BlissfulMistletoe · 15/12/2011 02:07

i hope you get something sorted out, i am not a SP so really can not comment on how to handle christmas and birthday contacts.

lisaro · 15/12/2011 02:19

When your child is older he will see you for the evil, manipulative person you are. You won't see him for dust. And do you know what? It'll all be your own fault.

fatcaaah · 15/12/2011 02:20

Fabsi, you've made a good decision.

I have huge respect for the fact you've taken on board what people have said and are going to communicate with your ex about what is best for your ds and everyone involved.

I really hope it goes well for you, now and in the future and that you continue to have the strength to do the right thing.

I say this as a mum and step mum who has been through the mill at Christmas and throughout the years with my mixed bunch of 5 dc's. (1 step living with us, 1 step living with exw, 1 mine and exh living with me and 2 mine and dh! It's been fun getting it right!!)

Have a lovely Christmas

OldLadyKnowsSantaClaus · 15/12/2011 02:29

Lisaro, read the thread. Or at least the OP's posts.

lisaro · 15/12/2011 02:30

Srry - had this open ages ago - well done OP.

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