to ask... what do SAHMs do all day?

[PoppyAmex]

I'm pregnant with my first child and was recently speaking to a friend about SAHMs and I mentioned I've been reading so many threads here about how some feel their work at home isn't valued by husbands / partners / people in general.

Following up on this conversation, my friend (a mum of 3) sent me the text below and I thought I'd share as I found it amusing. Maybe a good strategy for women complaining about the same problem?

"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know how every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'"

I just dont see why it has to be a competition over who has it hardest Molly? People have different thresholds and different circumstances that inform how hard they find their lives. Post natal depression, a sickly baby and many other things can make their day-to-day lives feel much harder. It is incredibly unhelpful to lord it over other people based on how easy you perceive their world to be. And totally unnecessary!

Also wibblybibble I take offence at carers not talking to their children causing language problems. Unfortunately in my setting that is how they come to us but not how they leave. That is usually something that happens in the home and not with childcarers

I do work but have been mainly a SAHM. From 2.30 until 830 each day my day feels very demanding. Sometimes it leaves me shattered. I confess that sometimes I conserve energy during the day because I know I'm going to have to be on my game during the peak hours and I still don't feel like I get everything done. I think my conserving energy is still pretty active. I cook from scratch every day. Kids have clubs etc and toddler is unbelievably active and would just destroy the place if I let him. I hope when he's 3 I'll be finding it easy :)

I find ways to stimulate my brain. I've had to work hard to become a better parent and I think I take time to read things on mums net to offer me other points of view and it's been a very resourceful place for my development to.

Each to their own though.

callmemrs Wouldn't life be so much simpler if that were true. I know far too many people that seem to think that work would collapse in a heap if they weren't there.

Thankfully my husband isn't one of them.

I have volunteered in school and that has been a very rewarding experience thus far and I hope I can continue to do it.

I'm a SAHM, yet I still support the economy by providing free childcare for friends who work. And I don't expect other taxpayers to subsidise childcare for my children, or colleagues to cover for me when my children are ill,or for my children to be given breakfast at their school. Fortunately, my DC aren't packed off to structured activity after structured activity in their holidays. Consequently we can't afford holidays or lots of expensive gadgets or clothes and we don't eat out very often. But I know what the DC are up to and I have time to listen to them when they come home from school. I feel very lucky that I don't have to work full time.

I'm not sure what you're addressing me for almostfifty. My comment was that Children come first for ALL parents- that's got nothing to do with working or not

Having had a very pressurised job pre dd and having spent the last 20 months looking after her between 3-5 days a week (good, non stressful freelance work the rest of the time).

I know which one is harder but it is harder in a very rewarding way that is extremely hard to explain in words or concepts understandable to the initiated.

I am now pg with number 2 though so can't be that bad...

Takes 30 mins in the week to do housework, and an hour at weekends as you do more.

For me being a stay at home mum didnt work, I wanted to work and yes I do get brain food from work as I work with figures all day long.

I feel that it takes more to stay at home than it does to go to work.

I couldnt just be a mum, Im not knocking those who can, I wanted to be more than just someone who pushed a push chair.

Genuine question: if you're a SAHM, don't you worry about your pension and what you are going to live on when you are old?
Seriously not trying to be controversial but genuinely curious...

I never had a working partner, it was either benefits or work full time, I think it just depends on what suits you as a person.

There is no right or wrong.

Yes but fabby pushing a pram is only a small part of life and I know I am more than just mum. You are also more than just your job. Who wants to be defined by just their job title? A human is made up of many facets of life.

I am not saying that you or anyone should be a sahm, imo that is the individual's decision but that does not mean a sahm is less of an individual than anyone else.

callmemrs just that you said that children came first for all parents. They don't, unfortunately. For some people they're second to their jobs for some reason. Don't understand it myself, obviously.

DialMforMummy I will live on my husband's pension. If I went back to work when my youngest is 16 I'd have credits for those years for a state pension.

I didn;t say they were, I said it takes more to be a SAHM, more patience certainly, I don't have any patience, Im not maternal at all and never wanted children even though when I had them I loved them to bits,and they are what I have worked for since they were born.

I went without dinners to provide for my children, its what you do.

We all do things differently it doesnt make what we do either right or wrong its a choice thing.

I returned to work when my second was 5 weeks old, his dad looked after him.

I never done the baking thing with my kids, they weren't allowed playdoh or colouring pens until they were 6 or 7.

Doesn't make it wrong parenting just makes it different.

Personally I find being a working mum much harder than being at home. I don't have the option of giving up my job (mortgage, bills, DH on reduced pay due to struggling company etc) but it can be really stressful dragging DS2 out of bed and into the pushchair for 8:15, dropping him at nursery, going to work etc etc. I loved being on leave, free to plan my own time and didn't want to go back. He's ill now and I'm worried about how I will get time off to care for him. Anyone who can stay at home is truly privileged. I realise that everyone is different (and one option is not superior to another) but if I won the lottery my first purchase would be a stamp for my letter of resignation!

Yes Fabby I agree it isn't a right or wrong thing, its just different parenting.

And on that note I am going to bed.

Sorry Fab, but I am amazed by how little time it takes for you to finish your housework. It takes my cleaner 10-11 hours to clean my house and do ironing, and I do at least an hour every day she is not here!

Back to topic - done both and neither perfect. I just adjusted and got on with life. I don't get the brain dead thing as my early(forced) retirement has allowed me time to pursue hobbies I did not have time to do when I was working 60+ hours a week. If being a sahm is boring and intellectually stultifying, what are you people going to do when you are retired?

In terms of pension- no worries as it is sorted.

It's a piece of piss. Perhaps you just weren't doing it right?

Or perhaps you were just a crap mother who didn't care whether your children had played enough that day and only worried about how clean your house was. A lot of people seem to be talking about how clean their house was before they got bored and went back to work and seem to be missing the point that actually being at home means you have to bring your children up, and this includes doing activities with them and is not just about how much housework you get done. I defy anyone to stay at home with two pre-school toddlers and say it is a piece of piss. IMO when I worked that was a piece of piss.

Almostfifty- that's a very cynical and judgemental view that some parents put their work before their Children.

Fine if you don't like working- but don't assume that those who do, aren't prioritising their children first.

I'd also check the proportion of your dh's pension you're entitled to in the event he dies before you. Not being morbid, but I know several otherwise quite intelligent women who have big gaps in their pensionable service and erroneously assume that all of their husbands pension would automatically pass to them....

Fabby, you are always saying you can get a whole house spotless in half an hour or an hour. I'm interested to know what sort of space you live in and how much other stuff you have to do.

Everywhere in this house there is a pile of someone's detritus. Looking around me now: dd's rucksack, beer glass left by dh, pile of papers on small table, pile of papers on side table, DS's school bag with pile of books on top, two Blackberry chargers, two laptops, mantelpiece full of cards and invites looking very untitdy, empy lemonade bottle, dog eared mini xmas tree that dd found earlier and has brought out, looking into kitchen bit, two pots in sink, some paints on the table that ds was using earlier, newspapers that dh has left out, dishwasher needs unloading. Into the utility there are two loads of dark laundry that need hanging on the lazy susan when today's washing is dry and dealt with, probably an hour's ironing. The hall is cluttered with half a dozen pairs of shoes that should be in the utility room.

I can guess that the children's living room is littered with empty yoghurt pots and lucozade bottles. The main rooms should be OK but there are two floors above this lot and I can't vouch they are much better. I reckon I spend at least 90 minutes a day tidying and doing jobs and have five hours of paid help and yet I never seem to make inroads into it.

We don't live in filth either, it just seems to be reality of a large house, two teenagers and a full time job.

callmemrs I'm not being cynical honestly, I know some people think that their work can't survive without them, (though obviously it can!) and having read through some threads on here it seems a true comment. Obviously most people don't think like that, but there is always someone that bucks the trend.

As to my husband's pension, I know exactly what I'm entitled to. We get a yearly statement and I know I'd be fine. Not that I'd be happy, obviously, but I'd get plenty to live on.

I couldnt just be a mum, Im not knocking those who can, I wanted to be more than just someone who pushed a push chair.

And neither could most mothers. Oddly enough, I have always been more than a mother but I don't need to have a paid job to prove it.

Fish, the cleaner cleans. And I have five children, not two pre schoolers.

Well let's see

Up at 7am ish, Give DD(2) her breakfast, Feed DS (7mths) a bottle then some porridge
Wash,change and dress them both.
Feed, wash and dress myself.

It's probably 10.30 maybe 11am now so I empty the dishwasher, Tidy the kitchen, Put dinner in the slowcooker whilst dealing with the two children, This will take over an hour factoring in at least one nappy change, kissing something better which DD has hurt.

Make and serve lunch to DD and me, Feed DS a bottle, There is another hour gone.

Make beds, put away laundry, tidy living room, quick hoover throw a load of laundry in the washing machine and give the bathroom a wipe down, It's now about 2.30pm

Walk the dog and then take children to swing park/to feed ducks/throw stones in the river (don't take dog with us as can't manage all three on my own)

Back home for 4pm feed for DS, then dish out dinner, tidy kitchen and put on the dishwasher and tumble drier.

6-7 pm play with children
7pm start bath and bed routine, If this goes well I could be finished it at 8pm but have seen me finish it as late as 10pm.

Once both children settled, I have a cup of tea whilst watching a programme or two I have recorded, whilst MN'ing or replying to emails/online grocery shopping.

It's a very long day being busy with boring things.

I don't know about you lot, but someone's got to look after the children...you can pay someone else or you can do it yourself. End of.

Almostfifty - I have to disagree- I know NO ONE who puts their work before their children! It seems a very judgemental and negative view to hold that people would. If you and your husband are happy with you not working , that's fine- but you don't need to put other peoples choices down.

I do know a few people who tend to think the world might fall apart if they have a day off work- but ironically they are usually the high pressure sole earner husbands of stay at home wives! IME among the friends I know, the couples who both work tend to have much better balanced lives - they don't think the world will fall apart if they don't work late- probably because they are sharing the responsibilities