to ask... what do SAHMs do all day?

[PoppyAmex]

I'm pregnant with my first child and was recently speaking to a friend about SAHMs and I mentioned I've been reading so many threads here about how some feel their work at home isn't valued by husbands / partners / people in general.

Following up on this conversation, my friend (a mum of 3) sent me the text below and I thought I'd share as I found it amusing. Maybe a good strategy for women complaining about the same problem?

"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know how every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'"

If you are lucky enough to have the choice as to whether or not to work is it right to take a job that would make a huge financial difference to a struggling family?

I do not need to work for financial reasons, like SantaBurnt I have had a professional career, worked for many years, we have paid off the mortgage, DH earns enough for us to live comfortably - therefore (regardless of the argument about being self reliant) I am happy to use my skills and experience in voluntary and charity organisations, which also 'frees up' work for those who really need it - or is that a simplistic argument? - genuine question??

@ ragwort.

What did you do in your career?

DoesNotGiveAFig - nothing that exciting - rather not say as I would hate to give myself away but it wasn't anything fantastic like a lawyer or Banker ! The sort of middle management role that would probably earn around £40K today. I haven't worked (for money) for 12 years now.

Personally, I either do absolutely loads or very little. Depends on my mood. I go to the gym/swimming quite a lot. Why would I rather go to work? I get plenty of 'brain food' from reading interesting things; learning new skills and writing.

Well, you should be proud of yourself for working hard and being in such a position !

I'd LOVE to stay at home, I personally think I'd get more 'brain food' away from work, and I'd love to have time to offer my skills to charity and suchlike.

I've no idea Ragwort. It's a bit like the argument about older people taking up jobs that could be taken by younger people with families etc.

If I was being cynical then I would point to the figures which show at a fall in social mobility over the last 10 to 15 years and conclude that your speculative job may well be taken by someone else who is comfortably off rather than a struggling person.

But it's soo complicated and everyone's circumstances are different and could change at the drop of a hat.

Santa - yes, I agree, part of my voluntary work is helping people who are unemployed to get back into work - most of those will, by necessity, be low-level entry jobs and (because of the rural area we live in there are very few employment opportunities) - it would seem a bit stupid for me to take one of those jobs rather than someone who needs it.

Again, feel I have to keep repeating this, but I do know I am in a very, very fortunate position.

Actually I might not even be offered a low level job - my DM (ex-teacher) was mortified years ago to be turned down for a job on a check-out .

If I gave up my job on that basis I doubt I would actually be replaced, the firm would probably take the opportunity to save money without the cost of redundancy.

I've always wondered what exactly is this definition of SAHM on mumsnet... surely there are some sub-categories..

So am I one of a kind or are there others like me, (or other variations)

For example what is a person who would like to have some independence and go back to a job she loved but unfortunately that would barely cover childcare, so has to put it off until both children are school age and is looking for ways to earn money with an evening job?

I am a SAHM, but only for a few years. I'm lucky that we have a few savings to just about keep us going but we have to budget very very tightly.
I know for the next few years I will not be able to occasionaly by myself something new just because I like it, for example.

Although I miss the social aspect of work, the interaction and the job satisfaction I feel lucky to have been 'forced' to be a sahm. It took a very long time to get used to but now I now they won't be little for ever.

But I don't know if I could do it or justify it once both children are at school full time.

If this has been a never ending argument on mumsnet have the various shades of colour between sahm and wohm ever been discussed? Or is it just an excuse for a bun fight?
(Ok I haven't read through the other 300 posts so maybe should go back and check)..

buy myself typo..

This is an attempt at a serious answer to the question. It's completely different if your kids are school age from if they're pre-school.

My experience of being SAHM to a baby/toddler is that it's tremendously hard work with little reward. You're forever changing nappies, preparing meals that end up on the floor, cleaning up sick, thwarting child's attempts to wreck the place, attempting to do some housework while being continually interrupted, occasionally attempting to read the newspaper or make a phone call while also being continually interrupted, attempting to engage your DC in some worthwhile activity such as painting or doing a jigsaw, which lasts roughly five minutes until they get bored, taking child to playgroup/swimming/Tumble Tots/other worthy activity, and then having utterly mindnumbing conversations with other mothers about potty training, feeling guilty about the amount of tv your DC watches (but at least it allows you to wash the dishes/read the newspaper). And, unlike a proper job that people pay you for, it doesn't end at 5.30 or stop on a Friday. It starts at about 7am and then goes on and on all day until you finally get DC to bed at 8, having washed them, changed their nappy (again), wrestled them into their jimjams, read them six stories, left the room eight times before being called back each time for a trivial reason, before collapsing exhausted on the sofa, too tired to do anything else. And even then they'll usually wake you up during the night.

Well clearly you are lazy and living off dh. That seems to be the consensus on here.

FFS! So much spilt ink...look, the reason that SAHMs don't get much respect from men or women, is because it's something that mainly women do. And only stuff that men do gets real respect (as opposed to, say, patronising praise) in our society. That's why it's called a patriarchy.

All clear?

Justone is right - there is no one category of a SAHM - if you are a single parent, on a very low income with two or three pre-school age children life is going to be incredibly different to being a SAHM with school age children, a supportive DH/partner, a comfortable lifestyle and the ability to source interesting/inetellectually rewarding things to do with your time .

hackmum and charitygirl have it pretty much spot on imo.

Since having dd I have been amazed at how hard it is looking after her and my new found invisibility. The amount of people who have refered to my lifestyle as 'cushty' has amazed me when to me it feels like someone severed the connection to my brain and has left me trying to cope spinning various plates with merely static in my head.

..and I work 1-2 days a week freelance so am lucky jobwise in terms of continuation/prospects.

OOH, someone told me I was right on mumsnet! That's made my day.
and I know the difference between spelling know and now, every time I read my post I see a different typo...

Did you now that being pregnant/Breastfeeding/ having children (according to one study) uses 10percent of a woman's brain that you never get back? Not sure what the study was based on....!!!!
(Maybe nature's way to numb us in to submission?)

Being a sahm mum has definitely affected my intellectual abilities... maybe it's the tiredness and sleep deprivation....

Please someone reassure me that we get our brain back when children grow older!

erm nottingham what??

I have just noticed some posters who seem to believe that parenting end once dc are at school.
Not me.

i question it myself too - i don't get it when people say they just can't manage to keep the house tiday and play with kids and shop etc. 30 mins a day keeps a house clean and tidy. I was bored when off work and had nothing apart from childsplay to talk to my husband about.

imo SAHMs are more likely to have partners who stray than those who go out to work / volunteer / do something. All the guys I know lose some respect if their partners become carers / cleaners / cooks slocuhing about in jeans and trainers.

Flame me if you will just my point of view.

I work 3 to 4 days a week in a career I built up over 14 years after spending 4 years slogging my guts out at university same goes for DH - now we can afford to have a nanny and a cleaner who do the cooking, washing, cleaning, ironing and we get to do the fun stuff with kids as we both work part time in high paying jobs.

Well done us? no - bloody flaming for working and wanting brain food. Not sure why that phrase made one of you feel sick. One of the dads at school has just come out of retirement to be a non exec director 3 days a week so lacking in mental stiumulation was it at him for him. he is rich and not doing it for the money.

Some people don't want to be housebound. This 'i chose to bring up my children' nonsense - so do working parents, they just manage to work to